From orsino@apple.comFri Mar 31 15:45:17 1995 Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 21:20:45 PST From: ERSZEBET BATHORY To: Babylon Five mailing list Subject: A Dark and Cautionary Tale of Violence and Doom Being sick and twisted malarkey inspired by "Aftermath," which was posted to the B5 creative mailing list on 3/30/95. This contains lots of heavy adult themes, is purely the product of my own grand guignol take on things (due to reading too much Edward Gorey before bed), and is in no way intended to reflect on the abilities or intentions of the author of "Aftermath." (Note: Fanfic involving same-sex relationships--almost always between *male* characters--is known in certain circles as "slash." (Write to me privately if you want to know more about this.) Do not read this if you are offended by the idea.) Anybody who wants the rights is welcome to them. ALAS, POOR YORICK... >Dr. Stephen Franklin examined the medical scanner he had just >used on his patient. The readings indicated a broken bone and >some bruises, but he had already known that. That's why he had to examine the scanner. These things are supposed to tell you stuff you *don't* already know. >If that was the extent of the injuries, he would be happy, However, since the both legs had been severed and there was also evidence of bubonic plague, he was absolutely *ecstatic*! >What he wasn't sure about was the skull and its contents. And you wouldn't be either, if you had to look at a disgusting thing like that. Durned thing had obviously been sitting in a damp cupboard for weeks. >Damage to a brain still wasn't able to be determined easily. In fact, it avoided decision-making whenever possible, preferring to affect complete indifference until it was able to sneak out of the room. *** >Michael Garibaldi sat on his bed holding his head in his hands. "I'll be damned if I'll leave *this* one in a damp cupboard!" he muttered to himself. >He fell backwards onto the mattress, running his hands back up through >his hair. >The sound of the door chime brought Garibaldi back to alertness. >He sat up on his bed and tried to straighten out his hair. ...(quickly re-attaching his head to his neck first) >The door opened and Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova walked in. "Mr. >Garibaldi..." She noticed his appearance. "Is this a bad time? >I could come back... "...I mean, I know *I* don't like to receive visitors with my head on backwards." >"Oh no, come on in. What's up?" > >She walked over to the chair nearest the bed and settled into it. >"I know you must be feeling badly about what happened." "Well, you know, it just sort of fell off. Keeps happening. No wonder ACME Heads Inc. discontinued this model. By the way, are you aware that this sitting-near-the-bed routine is usually considered extremely suggestive in slash fiction?" "But Garibaldi, I'm a woman, so this isn't slash." "Damn." >Garibaldi rolled his head around his shoulders. ...and then tapped it firmly into place, facing forward this time. "Ahhhh...that's better." "Garibaldi, that's disgusting. You really should spend the extra three hundred credits for the Velcro attachment." >"What, is it that obvious," he asked, sarcasm dripping from his words. "So it's *you* who's been dripping that green stuff all over the station!" She shook her head (which remained securely in place), then said, >"I just wanted you to know. I was with the Commander, and we >both saw the...prelude, if you will. Neither of us gave it a >second thought... "...because we figured this was a slash story. You know--the motorcycle as a symbol of sexual prowess, male bonding, all that." >Jumping to his feet, Garibaldi exclaimed, "Yeah, but I almost >killed him. For all I know he could be dead right now. I mean I >know that if it was in a less crowded area then things might have >turned out differently..." "That's why we thought it was a slash story," she said. "Though we did think you were being the *tiniest* bit indiscreet." >Ivanova stood up and put her hands on Garibaldi's shoulders >reassuringly, ...causing his head to wobble alarmingly. She stepped back quickly, then pulled herself together and said, >"Hey, hey, hey. Aren't you the one always saying >that you can't go on wondering what life would have been like if >you had only done this instead of that?" She went on, "If your head hadn't fallen off at the *exact same time* that Lennier's did, nobody would have gotten the wrong impression about you two. But you shouldn't rake yourself over the coals about it. There's enough guilt in the world to go around without grabbing for more." >"Yeah, yeah. Except sometimes there are still...some things that >I wonder that about." "Well...once you and Lennier get your heads on straight again, you can talk things over. Maybe this could be a slash story after all. You never know." *** >Dr. Franklin studied the readout in front of him. Everything >looked to be the way it should. That was a very good sign. If >everything else went this well he would almost be out of a job. So he quickly injected the patient with a strong dose of hyperpsychotic virtual-reality induction drugs. Completely undetectible. *** >Sinclair moved forward and put a hand on Delenn and Garibaldi's >shoulder. "Why don't we discuss this whole affair in my office?" Garibaldi turned to Delenn. "Everything's different since we got this ACME Velcro Shoulder Joining Module, isn't it?" "Yes," Delenn said. "I thought the Commander might appreciate it." Ivanova laughed. "Yep--now it's *definitely* going to be a slash story!" She watched the Commander usher the other two out of the room. *** >Delenn and Garibaldi were seated in front of Commander Sinclair's >desk. He looked at both of them. "Who would like to start," he >asked, smiling. Garibaldi said, "We thought we'd both sort of start at the same time. Otherwise we'd have to undo the Velcro and my head might fall off again. Say, what's that screaming sound coming from Medlab?" "I don't hear anything," said Sinclair. "Just one thing before we move on to something more interesting. I've seen the reports from the people who witnessed the accident, but I'd like to hear your side of the story, Michael." >"Lennier had just finished >helping me build my motorcycle, so I took him for a ride. It was >fantastic. We were riding down through the station when suddenly >this Carrion Eater appeared out of nowhere. I braked, and when I >was almost stopped, he just fell off." Garibaldi shuddered, then continued. "...Then his head fell off, and my head fell off at *exactly the same time*. Susan says it's a fault in the attachment, but there was something really strange--Oh my God, there goes Lennier with his head in his hand!" "Good," said Sinclair. "That must mean he's feeling better." "But Commander, he's running down the passage with an axe in his other hand!" "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. Now if the two of you would like to come with me...You know, I still have the frictionless sheets Caroline brought aboard. I think you'll find the effect almost as interesting as that Shoulder Module." >Sinclair stood up... "But Commander, Lennier is coming *this way*--" "That's enough, Garibaldi. You talk too much for a man who keeps losing his head." He looked sternly at Garibaldi and said, >"I think we've learned our lesson. Haven't we?" Garibaldi shrugged his free shoulder and grinned. "Yeah. Velcro is always better. Come on, Delenn, let's put an end to this nonsense about not having female characters in slash stories. Lennier will never know--GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" *** This time, even the ACME Velcro Super Deluxe Patch&Plaster Kit would be of no use. THE END ----------------------------------------------------------- He'd never realized that, Erszebet Bathory deep down inside, what he really wanted to do orsino@apple.com was make things go splat. --Terry Pratchett, "Reaper Man"