From arensb@cfar.umd.eduMon Jan 2 12:40:43 1995 Date: Mon, 02 Jan 1995 08:53:04 -0500 From: Threadkiller To: babylon5-creative@netcom.com Subject: Babylaniacs This is original. I claim full responsibility. The original Babylaniacs Theme Song was written by Benjamin Schultz, but I think this version scans a bit better. I'm not on this mailing list, so if you have any comments, please cc me (or is that "C&C me"?) at arensb@cfar.umd.edu . Thanks. Hope you like it. BABYLANIACS It's time for Babylaniacs And we're spacey to the max So sit down but don't relax You'll stop dead in your tracks We're Babylaniacs! John Sheridan's the captain At the hierarchy's top Ivanova's his second Just don't ask her 'bout her tots Michael Garibaldi The station's local cop The writer "eep"s Production creeps And now we've lost the plot We're Babylaniacs Londo's cute and Lennier yaks Franklin sends away the quacks Zeta wing repels attacks We're Babylaniacs! See Morden and Mollari Try to rule the universe Garibaldi will arrest you If you try to snatch a purse Psi Corps's crazy antics Make Talia scream and curse The Shadows came Things aren't the same It can't get any worse! We're Babylaniacs We have five-year-long contracts We make sure to get the clasp Before we zip up our slacks We're Babylaney... G'Kar likes the ladies... Coming through the gate-y... Babylaniacs! What are the facts? * * * It's time for another Good Idea / Bad Idea. Good idea: Getting a Centauri drunk so as to pump him for information. Bad idea: Getting a Minbari drunk so as to pump him for information. The end. * * * Chorus (singing): The crankiest of Russians since the world begun, It's Susan Ivanova and Tech #1! Ivanova: Would you pipe down? I'm trying to work here! Chorus (singing): Thaaaaat's Susan! Tech #1: Commander, something's coming through the jumpgate. It's a Drazi Sunhawk. Ivanova: Open a communication channel. Drazi vessel, Deathwalker isn't here. I think she went... (points offscreen) thataway. Drazi officer, on screen: We know that, Babylon control, we've been watching the re-runs. We are here because we have heard that you are harboring green Drazi. Surrender them immediately or be destroyed! Tech #1: They're opening their gun ports. Ivanova (innocently): Oh, so that's why they all left the station. Drazi: They've left? Where are they now? Ivanova: Apparently the green Drazi got news of your arrival and hid somewhere on the planet beneath us. Drazi (disappointed): Oh. Any idea where they went? Ivanova: Well, there's this one cave that looks nice and safe because it's five miles deep, but I happen to know that you can reach it through a fissure that goes all the way up to the surface. Drazi (happy again): Thank you, Earthling! We appreciate your help. Um... You're not going to warn them of our arrival, are you? We hope this to be a... (consults a Drazi-English dictionary) surprise party (winks). Ivanova: I wouldn't dream of it. [The Drazi ship heads down toward the planet and is blasted to smithereens by the planetary defense system. Loudly and messily.] Ivanova: Now that's what I call a capacity for self-sacrifice. * * * Londo (holding drink): So, my good fellow, what are we going to do tonight? Morden: The same thing we do every night, ambassador: try to take over the universe! Londo: So, Meester Morden. What is tonight's plan for taking over the universe? Morden: It's quite simple, really: we're going to interrupt the alcohol supply to Babylon 5. In a few hours, all the ambassadors will sober up, realize where they are, and run screaming back to their respective planets. Meanwhile, we'll be left alone here to take over the universe. Londo: Aah, quite a daring scheme. There is only one fault with it that I can see: we too would be left with nothing to drink. Morden: Not quite: we'll keep an ample supply for ourselves. Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Londo: I think so, my good fellow, but I don't have a Minbari soul. Morden: *Sigh* Sometimes, I really wish I HAD chosen that G'Kar fellow. Come! We have work to do. [Morden and Londo use forged documents to divert all alcohol-bearing ships into the sun. After a while, the various ambassadors realize where they are, and book passage on the first available transport off-station.] Morden: Excellent! And now, we must call a press conference to inform the galaxy that we are now their masters! [A conference room. Morden and Londo are standing at a podium. As the camera pulls back, it becomes obvious that they are the only ones there.] Morden: I don't understand! What happened? Where is everyone? Londo: It seems that you omitted to take into account the fact that no reporter would willingly stay in a place that did not serve alcohol. Chorus (singing): They're sneaky, they're Londo and Morden, den, den, den, den. * * * [Talia Winters and a man in a business suit walk into the conference room.] Man: ...Now these negociations are still at a very early stage, so you'll be required to keep anything you hear confidential. The man we're meeting is... Ah, there he is. [They sit down at a table opposite a six-legged creature. It is not so much a being as a hole in space. It is wearing a bowler hat.] Man (to creature): Mr. Boo, this is Talia Winters, our resident commercial telepath. She'll be monitoring this conversation. Talia (to man): Um, sir. Actually, he's a shadow. Man: I will not have you insulting my guest in this manner! Apologize to him at once! Talia: He's a shadow, I tell you. A freaking shadow! Man: Enough of this! Let's get on to business, shall we? (To creature) What would you say to seven million credits? Boo: (stares at man and says nothing) Man: All right, how about ten million credits and six percent of the profits? Boo: (keeps staring) Man (exasperated): Oh, all right! Fifty percent of the profits, all of our martian holdings, and the next seven planets we discover! That's my final offer! Boo: (stares) Man: Well, then, I think we're agreed. (Shakes Boo's... um... appendage. Boo's hat falls off.) Man: *Gasp!* He IS a shadow! [An enraged mob of businessmen grab Boo and shove him out the nearest airlock.] Chorus (singing): You wear a disguise to look like human guys, But you're not a man, you're a Shadow, Boo. * * * Sheridan: It's that time again! Ivanova: To foment unrest on Mars? Garibaldi: To watch Warner Brothers cartoons? Sheridan: No, it's time to get some enigmatic clue as to what's really going on behind the scenes in the universe. And for that, we turn to... the Vorlon of Puzzlement! [Kosh glides in] Sheridan: Vorlon of Puzzlement, Blink, blink, blink. Give a pronouncement And make us think. Kosh: A gift of time needs no wrapping paper. Ivanova: Sounds like the Vorlon of Puzzlement is having a bad hair day. Garibaldi: I'm still completely confused. ------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright (C) 1995 by Andrew Arensburger.