Name: wesley dean whitaker
E-Mail: wesw@HiWAAY.net
Story: BEVIS DOES B5

	This is a parody that I thought up over the course of a week a couple 
	of months ago. The people over at the Zocalo said it could be considered 
	a story idea, so they wouldn't print it. I'm just a fan, and I don't 
	care about getting paid for this, so if you could tell me what to do so 
	that I won't cause anyone any trouble, please let me know. Maybe if you 
	print it here, that will do it. I also don't know what acknowledgements 
	need to be made, so if you could put those in or tell me what to do I 
	would greatly appreciate it.
 
    Wes Whitaker
	
	This is a B5 parody sketch which first came to me one while lying 
	in bed one night. It started with the realizing how Bevis' "Cornholio" 
	expression sounded like Kosh-olio, and then I came up with the framework 
	for the Sheridan and Lockley segments. Then I saw Thirdspace, and came 
	up with the Lyta and Londo segments. T3 isn't in reference to anything 
	in particular, is just sounded like tee-tee. Kosh's blowhole refers to 
	the apeture (sp.?) in the front of his headpiece which opened and 
	closed when he spoke.

                               BEVIS DOES B5


	Lennier and Vir were sitting at the Zocalo's bar one night (in 
season 5), lamenting their current situation, when Vir offered Lennier a 
drink.
	"It doesn't contain alcohol, does it?"
	"Oh, no." said Vir,"I know how alcohol affects Minbari."
	"Alright, I'll give it a try then." Lennier cautiously sips the 
brew, then smiles, and downs the rest of it. "This tastes great, give me
another one."
	Lennier enjoys a second glass, and comments that he'll have to start
ordering this regularly. "By the way, what is this made from?"
	"It's an old Centauri recipe made from fermented spoo."
	"Humm, I'm not sure if anyone has ever investigated to see if Minbari
can handle fermented spoo."
	"Oh, I'm sure nothing will happen."
	They both smile and continue their conversation.
	A few minutes later Lennier says that his head has started spinning.
	"Just sit still here, and I'll go get Dr. Franklin." Vir then leaves.
	Suddenly, Lennier pulls his robe up over his head, so that only his
face is sticking out. In Bevis' voice, he announces "I am Kosh-olio! I must have T3 for my blow-hole!" With this he gets up and walks out of the bar.
Lennier makes his way to a restaurant where Garibaldi is enjoying a cup of his "special coffee". Lennier confronts the waiter, and bellows, "I am Kosh-olio, and I demand that you take me to your leader!" 
	Upon hearing the commotion, Garibaldi gets up and goes over to the two of them. "Is that you, Lennier?"
	"I am Kosh-olio, and I demand that you take me your leader!"
	"OK, OK, Len-, uh, Kosh-o-li-o, or whatever you said you were calling yourself. I'll take you to see our leader." With that he leads Lennier to President Sheridan's office.
	"Hey, John, there's someone here to see you." At that moment Lennier barges in the door.
	"I am Kosh-olio, and I must have T3 for my blowhole."
	"What the hell are you talking about, Lennier?"
	"Are you threatening me?!" Lennier shouts.
	Rising from his chair, Sheridan shouts back, "Michael, I don't know what's wrong with him, just get him the hell out of my gal- uh, my office. Get him the hell out of my office! Don't look at me like that, Michael. I said my office, that's all."
	Bowing, Michael says, "Of course, your Imperial Majesty, your humble servant will do your bidding at once."
	"Don't you start in on me again about that Messiah theory of yours. It was just a slip of the tongue, that's all. It's been a long day."
	"Shall I have the serving girls come in and bring you wine, and perhaps rub your shoulders, O Magnificent Ruler?" 
	"Look, I don't have to stand here and take this from you, you Judas."
	"Oh, really ? Let's invite Bester in here and let him have at you, and see how well you can resist his programming."
	"I bet I could have done better than you did."
	"Of course you could, All Powerful One."
	Meanwhile, Lennier turns around and slips out the door, leaving the argument behind. He then makes his way to the diplomatic section, where he comes upon Londo and G'kar walking down the hallway.
	"I am Kosh-olio, and I must have T3 for my blowhole!"
	"Who are you?" asks Londo.
	"What do you want?" asks G'kar.
	"Do you have anything worth living for?" says a third voice from behind them.
	Startled, Londo and G'kar turn around and are astonished to see Lorien standing there.
	"Great Maker, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be wandering around outside the galaxy somewhere?"
	"I started out to go there with the rest of the First Ones, plus the Vorlons and Shadows, but it's a long trip, and before long the Vorlons and Shadows started pestering me with 'Are we there yet?' and 'I have to go to the bathroom'. It's amazing how impatient and childish they can be. Or, maybe it isn't. Anyway, I threatened to turn around and come back if they didn't shut up. Obviously, they didn't. I left them out on the Rim looking at a "pretty" nebula. By the way, Londo, I ran into the Technomages on my way back, and they asked me to give this gift to you." Lorien reaches into the folds of his robe and pulls out a rectangular box.
	"Thank you, Lorien!" exclaims Londo. "This must be a gift bestowing their recognition of my right to rule! Thank you!"  
	Londo and G'kar walk off with Lorien, leaving Lennier to continue wandering the hallways.

                            Part Two of Bevis Does B5

	When we last left Lennier, he was suffering from a bad case of spoo poisoning, and was wandering the hallways of Babylon 5, having just left Londo, G'kar and Lorien in the diplomatic wing. After a few minutes, he comes across Zack, who stops him and asks what he's doing with his robe pulled up over his head.
	"I am Kosh-olio, and I must have T3 for my blowhole!"
	"Whoa, hold on there a minute, Lennier."
	"Are you threatening me?!"
	"No, no, nobody's threatening you, Lennier. Just you wait here, and I'll go get Lyta, and we'll see if she can help you."
	Zack starts making his way to Lyta's quarters. While enroute, he suddenly encounters Londo, who is running the other way, yelling and waving his hands. Looking up, Zack sees three small demon-like creatures swirling around Londo's head. "This is one weird day, even for this place," he says to himself. Upon arriving at Lyta's quarters, Zack buzzes her room and is let in, where he sees that the walls are covered with the same hand-written message. "All work and no play makes Lyta a dull telepath." (Remember Stphen King's "The Shining"?)
	"Been, uh, redecorating, I see," observes Zack.
	Lyta stops her writing and turns to face Zack. "What did you want to see me about?" she says.
	"New contacts too, I see- black. Very, uh, trendy, uh, I guess. Anyway, Lennier is wandering around down the hall with his robe pulled up over his head, saying he's Kosh-something-or-other. I thought that maybe you could help him out."
	"No, Kosh is gone. Whatever problem he's having, I can't help him with it. I'm glad you came to see me, though, because I have been thinking about what you said to me in the turbolift that time, back when that artifact was making everyone crazy. You remember, don't you? About us, uh, getting together some time?" With this she moves closer to Zack.
	"Oh, sure, I remember. I just thought that you weren't interested, what with Byron and all."
	"Well, I'm interested now, if you are."
	"Yeah, sure, I'm still interested, it just seems odd that-." At this moment Lyta reaches up and passionately kisses him.
	"The Vorlons gave me the ability to make love to mundanes with the same intensity that occurs between two telepaths. Would you like for me to share this experience with you?"
	"Yeah, you bet," says a very excited Zack. With this, Lyta takes his head in her hands and kisses him again, and an intensely bright white light pulses from her mouth into his.
	They found Zack's body the next day when he didn't report in for work. When Dr. Franklin asked Lyta, who was still busy writing (now on the ceiling) what killed him, she only replied that she must have crossed his pleasure threshhold. Judging from the huge smile still on Zack's face, Dr. Franklin notes that if you have to go, this would be about as good of a way as he's ever come across.
        Lennier, not waiting around for Zack to return, continues on down the hall, where he sees Commander Lockley reprimanding Lt. Corwin for another incomplete report.
	"If this lack of efficiency continues, Lieutenant, I'll have to find someone else to fill your position."
	Lt. Corwin, meanwhile, is wondering if that creature in Grey 17 may have had a sibling, and if the commander would maybe like go down there alone sometime and check it out, just to help her to continue to familiarize herself with the station. Instead, he just says that he'll try harder in the future, and leaves to go back to his post.
	Lennier comes up to Lockley and demands, "I am Kosh-olio, and you must give me T3 for my blowhole."
	Lockley, misunderstanding him, says "You want me to show you my whats  and give you a WHAT? Who do you think I am, Monica Lewinsky?!"
	"Are you threatening me?!"
	"I'll do more than threaten you." Then, in Miss Piggy's voice, she lets out a big "Hiiii-yaaa!" The next thing we see is Lennier sailing through the air, and crashing head first into a wall monitor. 
	Seconds later, Dr. Franklin, Vir and Deleen rush up where Lennier is sitting on the floor, barely conscious. "I'm so sorry," says Vir, "I didn't know. Here, let me help you."
	"I m-m-must have T3 for my blow-." Lennier drifts off, mumbling.
	"Yes, yes, Lennier, whatever you want," says Dr. Franklin, "As long as it isn't fermented spoo."

                             THE END

	By Wes Whitaker (a.k.a. Zathras 2)
	WesW@hiwaay.net