From GaryZepHed@aol.com Thu Apr 4 23:33:34 1996 Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 00:52:31 -0500 From: GaryZepHed@aol.com To: b5-creative@lists1.best.com Subject: The Case Of The Missing Lamp (humor!!!) Okay, kids. This story is complete mind-candy. IT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I don't even take it seriously... well, not ALL of it anyway. There are impossible crossovers here, as well as lack of a cohesive plot. (Maybe I should be in sales...) And yet, the following is LOOSELY based on fact. Standard copyright disclaimers apply. c.1996 by Gary Darling. All rights reserved, save for those already reserved by others. Not that this thing is in danger of being rebroadcast, retransmitted, or otherwise used without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball... P.S. - Did I say that this WASN'T TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY? Okay, just checking... THE CASE OF FELICIA'S MISSING LAMP by All Means NO! That's not it! by Gary Darling (ahh, that's better) It was a dark and not-so-stormy night in Central New York. Early April was a transition month; the average temperature at the beginning of the month was 49 degress, and by the end of the month, the average temperature was 61 degrees. After a long and winding winter, spring was in the air. And in Syracuse, that meant that people drove around town with their car windows down when it reached 40 outside. But I digress. Wednesday night was a cold and clear evening. Felicia Le Cou was attempting to bring under control the spring semester, which, at times, seemed like it was spinning wildly out of control. And, much like in the real world, work was not confined to an eight-hour period with a one-hour break for lunch. On this particular night, Felicia and Professor Jim Coliz were doing WorldWideWeb research for a future publication. "What do you think of this particular article, Jim? Does it meet the established criteria?" Felicia sounded tired as she posed the question. "Well, although it sounds like a serious work, the writing is completely superficial. The author actually trivializes the importance of a search engine. I can't quote anything from this article without losing any standing in the community." Coliz wasn't pulling any punches tonight. "You know, if this guy wanted to actually learn about what he's writing about... well, you just can tell he'll never learn. Okay, next article." "Right. Um... I had it right here just a minute ago. Wait a minute. Where are my glasses? I... well, I have my contacts in; where the hell are my glasses?" Felicia was distracted. "Hang on a second. Let me go check upstairs. Oh, here's the article; I'll be right back." Felicia departed for the second floor while Coliz sifted through the article. +++ Upstairs, Felicia was becoming a human search engine. It was as though she would not give up until her singular goal was met. She looked behind the dresser, pausing only after she was satisfied that nothing was there. Suddenly, there was a disturbance on the surface of the wall. It looked like one of those oil-film effects that were used in concerts by rock bands in the 1960's. Felicia peered into the vortex. "What the hell is this," she blurted, not moving away. The colors began to congeal. Felicia managed to make out the appearance of a face in the storm. "Who are you?" A disembodied voice was barely audible, as though it was travelling over a long distance. "...universe, billions... older than anyone...." The image paused, and started again. "This... Ambassador Delenn of the... I am... Felicia... chosen one... universe, billions of...." "Wait, what? Who are you?" Felicia's face reflected a puzzle look. She paused for a moment before continuing. "Okay, Felicia, your wall is talking to you. I think that this time you're not coming back." She began to wind up for the loudest recorded scream when she remembered Coliz was at the worktable downstairs. Felicia went back downstairs. "Jim, um... it's getting late, and I have a lot to do early tomorrow. Can we pick this up tomorrow at the office?" Felicia was working hard to sound sincere. "Sure. Yeah, I'm a little beat myself." Coliz picked up to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow - how's 12:30?" "Fine, fine, 12:30. Good night...." As soon as the door was secured, Felicia went directly upstairs. There was no sign of the disturbance that had taken place earlier. "Did I imagine it? Was it all a dream? I...." Felicia paused when she spied the micro-cassette recorder on the table. She was taking audio notes earlier when she came upstairs. The tape was still running. "Damn, I recorded this?!? All right! Let's see what's going on." Felicia rewound the tape and played back the entire sequence. The audio that she had heard from the vortex was faithfully captured on tape. "Wow! This is bizarre!" She was visibly shaken and keyed up on what was happening. Felicia took two steps toward the bed and passed out from excitement. +++ The next day, Felicia woke up later than expected. She was still having trouble believing that the events of last night really transpired. But now, school was dominating her thoughts. She had missed a meeting and was quickly becoming late for a second meeting. Felicia prepared for school and left the house exactly at noon. +++ Thursday night brought a light snowfall to the region. Even though the calendar said April, it was not uncommon for significant snowfall to drop from the skies. Felicia placed a call to Gary, a friend of hers that worked at a local television station. "Hi Gary, I was calling to let you know that our database study group is just about done with the prototype." One of Felicia's classes dealt with building a database program, and with her interest in television, Gary's station provided the perfect backdrop. "So when is this bad boy gonna be ready?" Gary was anxious to learn the new computer program; Felicia was guaranteeing that this database would take care of duties otherwise relegated to interns. "Well, we've got the prototype and some dummy input data. I think it'll be ready in another week." Felicia sounded as though she was unsure of the exact completion date. "Do you have all the info that I gave you?" "Yeah, it's downstairs. Hey Gary, you'll never guess what happened last night! I was upstairs looking for my glasses when a... a... thing appeared on my wall. There was an image of a lady and she was saying something. And I got it all on tape! Wanna hear it?" This sounded weird, even for Felicia, Gary thought. "Sure, what's it sound like?" "I'll play it for you. Let's see, I left the tape downstairs on the table." Felicia moved to the first floor with her cordless phone. "Hang on, let me get some light on the.... HEY! Where's my lamp?" "Your lamp?" Gary was confused. "My lamp. My lamp in the living room. The big ugly lamp. IT'S GONE! Where the hell is it?" Felicia was becoming annoyed. "Maybe your roommate has it?" Gary queried. "No, I just checked. It's not there. Hang on, I'm going to call campus security." Felicia picked up her roommate's phone and dialed. "Hello? Yes, this is Felicia Le Cou. I'm calling to report a missing lamp that was taken from my apartment.... Yes, I have a roommate.... No, there wouldn't be any reason for her to take it.... Yes, we get along fine.... The lamp is missing, but my TV and VCR are still here.... Okay, 'bye." Felicia hung up her roommate's phone. "Gary, are you still there?" "Yeah. What's going on?" "Campus security is sending someone over. I heard them radio to a patrol car. I wonder where my lamp is?!?" "Do you think someone broke in?" Gary asked, not quite believing any of this was happening. "If someone broke in, why would they take an ugly lamp and leave a TV and VCR? I wonder if it was campus housing. I'll be really pissed if it was campus housing, and they were in here without any kind of notification." A knock came from the door. "I'll call you later, Gary." Felicia hung up her phone and answered the door. The officer from campus security came in an performed a cursory investigation. Clearly, the lamp was not to be found. "Well, Ms. Le Cou, you'll have to ask your roommate if she did anything with it. If she didn't, then call us back and we'll file a report. Meanwhile, I'll call the Physical Plant and get them to reinforce this door." The officer then left the apartment. Ten seconds later, there was another knock at the door. Felicia approaced the door with caution. "Who is it?" she asked, trying not to sound paranoid. "F.B.I. We'd like to have a word with you. Felicia opened the door to find two agents standing in the light snow. One had a trench coat and a case of five o'clock shadow. The other agent had red hair and was wearing a business suit. "This is Agent Scully and I'm Agent Mulder. We're investigating the disappearance of various household appliances. We... picked up a radio transmission stating that you mysteriously lost a lamp? Is this accurate?" Mulder appeared interested in what Felicia might have to say. "Yes, my lamp is gone. And nothing else is missing. Campus security wants me to ask my roommate if she did anything to it. Otherwise, they're going to file a report." Felicia sounded exhausted. Agent Scully spoke up, "Yes, that is standard procedure. But in this case, standard is not always applicable." Agent Mulder broke into the exchange, "Miss Le Cou, do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrial household appliances?" His enthusiasm seemed almost insanely mad. Felicia was now annoyed. "Okay, playtime is over. I don't know what sick mind is playing this joke on me, but its gone far enough!" She turned to both agents, "Okay, you two. GET OUT!" The agents gathered their things and left. Felicia headed upstairs to brush her hair. As she reached the top of the staircase, she saw a light eminate from her room. She approached the door with caution. Inside, the image that was on the wall yesterday had now reappeared. The voice was more distinct. Felicia sat down at the edge of the bed to listen to the woman. "Felicia Le Cou, this is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari Federation. I am sending you this message from 300 years into your future. Felicia, there are lamps in the universe, billions of years older than any other known household appliance. And the lamps are organizing. For what, we do not know. But the lamps are going back in time and collecting their brothers; inanimate objects, we thought, that would never do us harm. Felicia, listen to me: You are the chosen one; you must do what is right to save the alliance between Earth and Minbar. Do not bring attention to the lamps. We are not yet ready to fight them. But when we are, we will be victorious. And as we prepare for the coming battle, we need to know where the next chapter of 'Shades Of Gray' is. Our intergalaxy mail provider rarely delivers on time anymore. I know you will make the right decision. Finish the story. No, wait. Do not wake the lamps. Not yet. Not until we are ready for them...." The picture faded from the wall. Felicia looked at the now-blank space on the wall. She studied it for several minutes before turning toward her display of MicroMachines. "Bizarre...." Gary garyzephed@aol.com http://members.aol.com/garyzephed/launch.htm