From fn62@dial.pipex.comFri Mar 8 21:44:42 1996 Date: Sat, 02 Mar 96 20:37:43 GMT From: Alison Hopkins Reply to: b5-creative@blob.best.net To: B5 Creative Subject: Way of the warrior- Follow up Well, this is where it all started. I wrote this before anything else, and the fuller version (this is basically a trimmed version of parts 1 and 2) is on the other list. However, I think it does stand alone reasonably. I wasn't sure if anyone was interested in reading it, but what the heck! Originally, it started as my version of the last ever B5 ep.....but I've changed my mind about what happens......Oh, and I should have said thank you to Kymberlee last time, who keeps editing. Slush factor: high! *************************************** Consequences *************************************** *"If you go to Z'Ha'Dum you will die"* ********************************************** There are many kinds of death. The physical, that of the body is the easy one. But, what of the other kinds? Death of soul, heart, mind. The death that results in rebirth, renewal, hope. But worst of all.....the death of love. Delenn wasn't afraid of dying. Oh, no, that fear had gone with Sebastian. If, indeed, it had ever existed. She had never believed that she could be afraid of living though. Alone. Without him. Not through his death, no.....something far worse. His hatred for her. She *wanted* to die. Z'Ha'Dum. A death knell for hope. For her. *************************************************************** Susan Ivanova was finding it very difficult to believe that she was alive. It just didn't fit with the way things were supposed to turn out. Dammit, none of them were supposed to survive. But, the Shadow War was over. Done. Finished. Won. She was interrogating the universe again, but it would not respond. "So what the hell do I do with the rest of my life?" "Live?" said a quiet voice from behind her. "Wha...? Oh, Lennier, I wondered where you'd all got to. Have you seen the Captain anywhere?" Lennier quirked his head at her, amused at the persistence of a title which was hardly appropriate any longer. "I believe he's with Marcus and Ambassador Sinclair. " He hesitated, his expression troubled now. "What's the problem?" "Something I believe that only you can help with. " Lennier drew a deep breath and continued "I'm really concerned about Delenn." "Delenn? Why don't you ask the Cap..." She shook her head and smiled. "John. He's closest to her" "I think that *he* is the problem. But I do not know why. And, I have never seen her like this." Ivanova was, by now, totally bewildered. "Well, if you think I can help, I'll do my best. Where is she?" ************************************************************ Ivanova leant on the door lock. At this rate, she'd have to get Garibaldi out with an override card. After what seemed eons, the door slid back. The room was in near darkness, but she could make out the small, slim figure of the erstwhile Minbari Ambassador, standing with her back to her. Rigid. Controlled. "Delenn?" She turned slowly. Her face was more expressionless than Ivanova would have thought possible. she thought "Delenn, what's wrong? Let me help. Please?" "You cannot." Her voice was dull, flat, lifeless. "No-one can. " A long silence, then a whisper. "He hates me, Susan." "Delenn, if you mean the Captain - " The other woman flinched. Susan decided that she never wanted to see that much pain in anyone's eyes ever again. Delenn sat down, heavily, on the edge of the couch. "Have you seen him, spoken with him, since we returned from....that place?" Ivanova shook her head. "Not really. He was too tied up with Sinclair and Hedronn. I think they're trying to sort out the future of the galaxy all on their own - or at least our chunk of it. Delenn, is this something to do with what happened at Z'Ha'Dum?" "How much do you know?" Delenn was standing again, moving restlessly around the room. Susan had never actually seen anyone wring their hands before. "Only what we saw. You and he got out, the planet....warped out of existence. And, with it every other Shadow ship across known space at the same time, as far as we can make out." Delenn nodded. "Yes. The War is over for our generation and perhaps for millennia to come. Now it is left to us to rebuild where we can. " She stared directly into Ivanova's eyes. "I told him he had to destroy her." "Destroy who?" By now, Susan was completely confused. "Anna. His wife. He killed her because I told him to. And now, he hates me. Forever. " Ivanova wanted to find a brick wall and bang her brain back in to shape. Delenn's voice was remote and very quiet. "One of us had to, you see. She was Shadow, consumed by them. Nothing left of anything she had ever been. Except the image. Enough to lure and tempt. Enough that if she were not destroyed, the War was lost. " With a sudden shock, Ivanova realised that Delenn's face was wet with tears. She moved over and reached out a tentative hand to touch her shoulder. At that moment, the commlink sounded. She swore horribly. "Go away, whoever you are." The crisp tones of President Hague sounded. "Sorry, Susan, we need you now. " Ivanova was, not for the first time, torn between friendship and duty. "Delenn, I have to go. I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise." Delenn nodded and took a deep breath. "I know. I'll be fine." Neither of them believed that. ************************************************** Sheridan was deep in discussion with Hague and Garibaldi when Ivanova hurtled through the door. Ta'Lon, as always, hovered close by. She took a long, hard look at him, truly seeing him for the first time since he, Delenn and Lennier had returned. This did not look like a man haunted by killing his own wife. If she had to judge, he looked exhausted, but more at peace than she had seen him in a long time. She waited as long as she could before interrupting. "Captain, I need to talk to you *now*, in private." "Susan, I'm kinda busy and the President did have a reason to call you....." She would not let him finish. "NOW." She hissed furiously at him. Sheridan had learned the hard way that it was not wise to argue with Ivanova when she was in this frame of mind. He allowed himself to be dragged into a quiet corner. "This had better be good...." he began. "Just what the *hell* have you been saying to Delenn?" Ivanova was angrier than Sheridan had ever seen her. He had forgotten just how protective she could be of those she regarded as friends - and there weren't many she gave that honoured status to. He looked at her in total astonishment. "Delenn? I've hardly seen her in the last three days. She's been with the Grey Council most of the time, and we got so tied up with all this EarthGov and Psi Corps crap......" Ivanova would not let him finish. "She thinks you hate her." His face was a picture of incomprehension. "Susan, dammit.....you of *all* people know what she means to me." He started to speak, but she interrupted again. "She thinks....oh, hell, this doesn't make sense. It was something about Anna, and you killing her, and...." Ivanova watched his face change through puzzlement to something between horror and guilt. He turned away from her for a long moment, one hand clasped to the back of his head, then swung back. There was a long silence, before he started to swear quietly. "Of all the fraggin' stupid, blind fools I am it." He looked Ivanova directly in the eyes. "Susan, am I particularly insensitive or just plain dumb?" She shrugged. "You're a man, it goes with the territory." He glared at her, then relaxed. "She's got it wrong. All of it. " "Yeah, well. I wouldn't know. You haven't exactly been forthcoming about the whole thing. All I know is I was out in space in a Thunderbolt, with two Shadow ships breathing death up my ass, when they disappeared. Then, the three of you turn up, large as life, saying nothing, and all hell breaks loose, and we gotta new President, and Psi Corps are gone, and Jeff's some sorta Minbari god, and...." Ivanova ran out of breath and anger. "Captain, I have never seen her like this - not even after the plague." Sheridan seemed to come to a decision. "Where is she?" Susan shrugged. "Her quarters when I left her, and I don't think she was planning on going anywhere." He straightened his shoulders and took a deep breath. "OK. You're in charge. You don't disturb either of us whatever happens, got it?" Ivanova nodded. "Hell will freeze over and I'll join Psi Corps first." Sheridan grinned without humour, then looked round. "Michael?" Garibaldi turned enquiringly. "Gimme your lock override, I think I might need it. " Garibaldi came to join Ivanova as she stared after Sheridan's rapidly retreating back view. "What the hell was that all about? Hague's going to go ape shit that he just took off like that." Ivanova sighed. "Something a heck of a lot more important than EarthGov. I just hope he can make it right - for both of them." **************************************************************** There were visions, images in his head. Z'Ha' Dum. The only way to destroy the Shadow, to ensure all they valued was preserved. Delenn, crumpled against a rock wall. He wasn't sure if she was alive or dead. Lennier, bending over her in pain, as Morden stood there, triumphant, gloating at the prospect of final victory. And then his worst nightmare. Anna, alive. ****************************************************************** He blinked, trying to force reality back in to view. And stood, outside her door. "Delenn?" She wasn't answering nor was she going to. He fished out the lock override, thankful for the inspiration that had prompted him to bring it. The door moved open slowly and he walked through. She was huddled in a tight ball, crouched in on herself, at one end of the couch. He spoke her name again, and saw her flinch away. He walked over, and sat carefully beside her, so that she would have to move past him to escape. "Leave me, please." Her voice was so faint that he had to lean forward to catch the words. "Never. I will never leave you. I told you that on Z'Ha'Dum " - she winced again - "I meant it then, and I mean it now. " He leaned forward again, and gently pulled her arms away so that he could see her face. He'd thought, when the Markab had died, when she'd seen them die, that she was in pain. That was nothing compared to this. "Delenn." "*Delenn*" He was almost shouting. "_Look_ at me dammit." She opened great dark eyes at him, so full of agony that he wanted to scream with frustration. "Delenn, I have nothing without you, I am nothing without you." He took a deep breath, trying to calm his voice. This should have been said long ago. "I love you. " It was like opening a flood gate. He'd always imagined that she would cry silently, as elegantly as she did everything else. But her hand was over her mouth, and her breath came in great, racking sobs as she wept. He bent forward and gathered her into his arms, holding her as tight as he dared. She felt as fragile as a small bird, her whole body shaking. He let her cry for a long time, smoothing her hair, gentling her like a frightened child. Eventually, she quietened, curled tightly into him. He felt a surge of fierce protectiveness, a wanting to keep her from all the harm in the universe. He couldn't, he knew that. But, maybe, he could put this right. "You gonna listen to me now? Without telling me to go away - not that I'd listen. " He felt her nod. "Delenn........" He paused, not sure how to go on. She moved slightly and spoke at last. "You killed her. You killed her because I told you to. I had to, I had to, they would all have died....." The grief was building again. He put a gentle hand over her mouth for an instant to still her. "No." He sighed. "Yes, you told me she was Shadow. I believed you then and I still do. Yes, I would have killed her. Yes, it would have been the worst thing I ever had to do in my life, and .....yes, I would still have done it. But I didn't have to." She looked up at him. "You were out of it, Delenn. I thought you were dead. You, and Lennier, both. " He cursed his lack of telepathy, remembering. So much easier if he could simply place the images of the truth in her mind. "She killed herself. And she killed Morden. " ********Images, visions. Morden, raising his hand for the final stroke, the final act of victory that would seal the fate of the galaxy for all time. And Anna, her eyes suddenly sane, knowing, looking straight into his. She dragged Morden into the fire with her. And the Shadows were defeated.******* His voice broke. "You were right, Delenn. It would have been better if she'd died on *Icarus*. Then I wouldn't have had to wonder how the hell I could have loved someone who could make that choice, take what they had to offer." She turned round so suddenly that he nearly fell off the couch. "_No_" Her voice was low, fierce. "She is still who you loved, and what you loved." Delenn paused, trying to make sense of what had to be said. "The true danger is not those like Morden, or even Londo, fool that he was. Theirs was the easy choice. The one which was obvious to us all. One was weak, the other greedy. But, Anna...." She took a deep breath and went on. "Think, John. If you had been offered, after you first thought her dead, a chance to bring her back to life, would you not have been tempted? If Garibaldi had been offered the chance to win Lise back? Or Susan to get back her brother? Or Franklin to save the Markab? _That_ is the real danger. The offer of what seems fair but is truly foul. The chance to set things right for the wrong reason. " He looked into her face, and saw nothing but honesty. Saw nothing but what he had seen on Z'Ha'Dum. What had made him choose. "You're doing it again, Delenn." She looked up at him, puzzled, as he smiled into her eyes. "Why do you have this idea that your sole purpose in this universe is to make me feel better?" She relaxed and leaned back into him, as his arms tightened around her. "Because it is." He yawned, suddenly more bone weary than he had ever been in his life. " Delenn, when did you last get a decent night's sleep?" "I can't remember." He stood up abruptly, drawing her to her feet. "In that case, my very dear ex-Ambassador, *you* are going to bed." He saw her face change, felt her withdraw. "What's wrong?" She hesitated. "I don't want to be without you." He laughed softly and pulled her back against him. "Bad phrasing. We are going to bed. I am going to hold you in my arms till you fall asleep, then I am going to hold you while you sleep. OK?" She nodded, suddenly shy. With a start, he realised that he had never seen her this subdued, this vulnerable. It was as though a light had gone out. He wondered just how much of all of this was the aftermath of Z'Ha'Dum, and how much down to everything she had held back for far too many years. All the rejection by her own world, the uncaring prejudice of others, the loneliness, all conspiring at once. He looked down at her, touching his lips lightly to her forehead. "Go do.....whatever it is you do before you go to bed, but quickly, huh?" She nodded and vanished in the direction of the bathroom. He stared after her for a long moment, then sighed again. < Anna. I'm sorry. I have to let you go now. I have to go on with our lives. Thank you for giving me my soul back. Goodbye. > He walked across to the bed and sat down, heavily, kicking off his shoes, slumping back against the pillows. He was almost asleep when she returned. He felt, rather than saw, her get into the bed beside him, felt her cuddle in next to him, warm and soft. His arms closed around her, as he fell into a sleep of utter exhaustion. ********************************************************