From julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu Tue Dec 24 22:12:21 1996 Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 02:23:28 -0500 (CDT) From: watkins julia k To: b5-creative@lists.best.com Subject: "Doubts" 1/2 Hello all! This part one of the third story; I began writing it last October, and finished it in February of this year. I've cut out about two screens from the first scene which are Sheridan thinking and Sheridan leaving his quarters. Please contact me if you wish the full version (the cut paragraphs are rather tame, only barely over the line). This story is basically romance with some adult talk. Many thanks to Alison, Felicia, Deborah, Soren and Miki who sent useful comments and encouragement. Julie hopeless romantic julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu ======================== Standard disclaimers ========================= "Doubts" by Julie Watkins Time: during the "epilog" section of "Fall of Night" The room was still, muted. Lights dimmed. It was the Captain's quarters, mid afternoon. Sheridan lay on his bed, Delenn beside him. She was snuggled against his chest, his arm holding her close. His clothes were across the back of the chair at his work table, her's on a chair by the bed. Bedclothes, except for the white sheet that covered them, were tumbled off the bottom of the bed. The door and comm were on privacy lock; the time was their's alone. Breathing together--air in, air out--in unison. Slowly settling, still a few feet off the ground, they paused, as if hovering, still aglow. Breathe in, breathe out. Peace. Sheridan's skin still tingled where her flesh touched his. He was drifting off to sleep. "Are you ready?" he had asked. "No," she laughed in his memory, "but you may proceed anyway." He almost chuckled, breaking the rhythm of breath. His face must have been comical in his sudden concern for her to have laughed so. She had pulled him forward, off balance. It had not been the most graceful descent onto a bed. It had been wonderful. It was still wonderful, feeling her warm against him. Love again. Gods, it had been too long since Anna, so many years. Too long dead inside before he could let himself feel again. Anna was dead, but love remained, and new love grew: Delenn. He reached to caress her cheek, she snuggled closer. Your face, he said to himself. I want to see your face again. He lifted her chin. "Thank you," he smiled at her, broad, laughing smile. "I love you." "I love you," she answered, sad smile. "Delenn?" His brow furrowed. She didn't answer, and he turned on his side to hold her closer. She made a soft moan of appreciation, but the thin veil of melancholy remained. Sheridan was still trying to form a question when the comm buzzed. "Dammit!" He swung over and up sending the sheet flying. "Lights!" His link was on the bed-side table. He instinctively did not reach for it since he would not be able to answer quickly enough. Delay and audio only would make Ivanova wonder. It had to be Ivanova. Only she or Lennier could have overridden the lock. Delenn and he were supposed to be working on Ranger planning scenarios that were already finished, though it was supposed to take all uninterrupted afternoon to get done. Cursing, he left the bed and grabbed for his shirt, hastily slipping it on and fastening the second and third button, and stepped close to the screen. The buzzer sounded a second time just as he was hitting the unlock button. "Captain," Ivanova said. "Sorry," Sheridan answered. "You interrupted a thought. We weren't expecting any calls." "Sorry to bother you, but we've got a situation ready to escalate in Customs. The asshole problem-maker is a Centauri. Garibaldi could really use your help." It took a few moments to get the location and then he signed off. The way the punch started, the monitor screen should have been badly bent, but he managed to haul it back in so the knuckles merely touched the screen. So much for cloak and dagger. It seemed that Delenn was having fun with it, the "not quite lying", all the elaborate planning seemed to satisfy the ritual in her ... for all the good it did. Should have done this last night. There had been no interruption then. He turned back to Delenn with a sigh. "Bad timing." He tried to keep the disappointment from his voice. Delenn giggled. "It 'could have been worse'," she said. She sat up, holding the retrieved sheet in front of her, to watch him dress. He returned to stand by the bed when he was finished, putting his had on her back. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know," she answered. The sad smile had returned. "It was ... to be expected." He didn't want to leave. "I was so looking forward to helping you dress." She nodded. Time to go, dammit. "Love you," he said and lightly kissed her lips. "I love you," she answered softly, and her eyes followed him as he went through the door. Two more hours, he pleaded to the heavens. There was no one in the hall and he swung his fisted hands forward and back again trying to unleash his frustration. Was that too much to ask? A long, lazy hour or two to bast in the glow? there was no way we could spend a whole night, actually sleep together, but don't we deserve a full afternoon? It wasn't fair! That sad smile haunted him, as the transport took him to customs. It was a "I can't have what I want" sad smile. It was a "this isn't going to work" smile. No, Delenn, he pleaded. Don't give up. You can't give up. +++ Captain Liddan Junni, of the Centauri merchant ship _Krynicki_, had arrived on station to find his profits unacceptably reduced from unexpected competition. Bettie Hyland had obtained her cargo illegally (so Junni said) and he wanted her ship and remaining cargo confiscated. With one look Sheridan could see how the dice had landed, and it didn't look good. "Well, captain," he said to Hyland, "I'm sure you've heard the saw about 'ignorance of the law'." Work with me on this, he thought at her as he turned his back. We've maybe got one chance for salvage. Not waiting for her answer turned his attention to Junni. Sheridan politicly let the Centauri merchant rant on while he tried to gage what he had to work with. He risked a look at Hyland and silently swore as he judged from the set of her jaw that _The Lady's Mine_ was the sum of Hyland's assets. Junni was rich enough to be talking about lawyers and letting the court decide. Hyland was outer colony and not a stupid woman, but politics had run rough-shod and she hadn't had room enough to jump free. A line changed on the map and something once encouraged was now illegal. Agreements made between governments no longer were in force and it was Centauri rules that governed. There was no way to prove to Junni's satisfaction that the liquors had been purchased before the new treaties had been signed. ("Imposed" would have been a more accurate description.) Sheridan sweetly asked if Junni could not entertain the possibility, but Junni puffed that the purchase date was irrelevant. This was now, not last month, and he--Junni --had sole right of distribution in this sector. "Then, by the regs--" Sheridan made his voice sound unsure, "someone who has blue Tumny to sell must needs use Liddan Junni as her broker?" Junni stood suddenly quiet. The profit being offered was less than he might make in the long run, but it would be immediate and without legal fees. Seeing agreement, Sheridan waved Hyland into the conversation. She was properly apologetic. It was declared that Hyland had sold Junni's Tumny, and her Tumny had been carried by Junni. In short order, Junni's cargo changed hands twice while sitting still in his hold, and Hyland therefore had to pay the import duties as well as absorb Junni's lose. Sheridan waited until Junni swaggered out of the room before he let emotion back onto his face. He turned to Hyland with an apology but she met his worry with a brave smile. "It's more than I can afford, but I'll make do. I've got friends that can help." "I'm glad to hear that." He held her back as she started to leave, wanting to know if she had any ideas, from her perspective, about what other loopholes the new "treaties" might open up for abuse so he could have Ivanova issue warnings. Hyland thought of a few and he made notes and asked a few further questions when she was done. As the conversation was winding down Hyland, having her sea-legs back, found the nerve to ask, "You really don't--" Sheridan's eye's rolled, though he was glad that she was in high enough spirits to be curious. Angels again. "For the four hundredth time," he interrupted, "'No, I don't remember.'" He was getting quite glib at rattling off the lie. Lennier would be aghast at such cheerful perjury. What was worse was having to dodge the questions from Ivanova and the rest. Maybe they were so distracted waiting for him to finally decide to fess up that they would miss what was happening between him and Delenn. "I saw the bomb," Sheridan told Hyland dryly, "and thought 'I'm-going- to-die' and the next thing I know," he gestured broadly, "I was sitting on the grass surrounded by a crowd of people talking about angels. I don't even remember calling out the override, though that was recorded. I thought I had died and gone to heaven." "Instead you 'had to answer to reporters'," she quoted back to him. "And everyone else in creation," he answered pointedly, causing her to blush. Then he grinned, waving off her apology. "If I wasn't so happy to be alive it would be a trial." I wonder if Delenn is jealous of the bearhug Susan gave me. "Don't remember" was a convenient dodge. But I was careful to 'remember' the would-be assassins. Nailed them on the line-up, for all the good it did. They had been shipped back to Centauri Prime "to prevent further incident". He forced himself to stop grousing. Too many questions would have been dangerous. Much better to accept the good PR and hope that would keep Earth Central off his back a while longer. Any ace against Clark was a plus. "Thank you for your time," he told her. "Good luck. Be good to your friends and help them back as you can. That's the best protection you've got." "Good luck to you, Captain," she countered. "The sooner you can get politics settled the happier I'll be." Sheridan wished he could be as optimistic as Hyland seemed to be. He started back toward his quarters but got caught into a general Customs brain-storming session. Junni wasn't the only Centauri causing problems, and staff had a lot of scared people to deal with. Eventually Sheridan was able to break away to try to call Delenn. He was answered by Lennier. He explained he was helping Delenn finish make the Ranger assignments. Delenn must have put the room back in order and made the bed before requesting Lennier's help. And Lennier, being Lennier, kept any thoughts he had to himself. +++ ===end part one=== From julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu Tue Dec 24 22:12:29 1996 Date: Sun, 20 Oct 1996 02:39:57 -0500 (CDT) From: watkins julia k To: b5-creative@lists.best.com Subject: "Doubts" 2/2 "Doubts" by Julie Watkins, julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu part 2 ========= Standard disclaimers ========= Solve this, Sheridan told himself as he walked. Solve this or you've lost her and you won't get her back. He and Delenn had walked deep into the parklands, the station's manicured safety valve. They were half a mile from the nearest public entrance and were beginning to make their return swing. The distance in time made it easy to forget they were walking on people's ceilings. The grid of emergency/service entrances were discreetly disguised to help the illusion. As long as a person didn't lift his eyes too high he could pretend he was back on Earth. There was grass, bushes, and fast-growing trees; meandering paths and secluded benches. Green for the soul, plants to clean the air. The parks were popular places these days. Sheridan carefully held back his stride and kept his bearing relaxed though his mind was in turmoil. He hoped the peaceful surroundings could help plead his case. Delenn walked beside him, wrapped in silence and isolation. She had indulged him this, but she did not walk with him, she was walking away. All the words he could think of would only drive her further from him. The conversation had begun well. It had started as an early evening walk. After the day was done he appeared at her door, with a casual invitation and she had seemed quite willing. But when they were alone enough to talk freely still she struggled to keep the conversation casual. She seemed to want him to accept her melancholy. When he pressed for understanding it seemed he had crumpled something that was a defense and she now was grieving because she had done wrong to him and could not make it right. She didn't think it could work--he had seen her thoughts plainly. She had been wrong to encourage his desire: she felt he needed a human lover. A scientist, another officer he didn't directly command. Someone he didn't have to hide, someone that would cause friendly jokes and not an incident if they were found in bed together. It was if she believed the age-old plea of the teenage kid trying to score, that he had to get laid or go crazy. It took all his will not to snap back in his frustration. If he had said "Damn it, Delenn, I said 'love', not 'I lust you'" she would have calmly insisted otherwise. It seemed that she considered his actions "lust", that she thought the same of herself, and that she was wrong and had resolved to end their relationship. He could not let her leave, but he could not see how to hold her. Why?, he begged her silently. Why is "love" such a noble thing in others but you won't allow it for yourself? How can I convince someone born and trained to serve that it's all right to be selfish? How can I convince a member of the Minbari religious caste that it is her duty to take the love I offer? That the universe demands it? It was as if small pleasures were acceptable, and she was willing to "have fun". They could sit on the couch and "explore". Yet she could not allow him to think this was anything but temporary. He had been so wrapped up in his own happiness that he had not seen the warning signs. Too horny to think straight? Cursing his hormones only added to his frustration. He had to solve this. It had been absolutely perfect for him, but somehow he missed something important. She had enjoyed herself, and now she was feeling guilty. It had to be religion, had to be culture. It should have been a warning to him that she would ask questions about sex, human style, but kept dodging his questions about Minbari sex. He had made the mistake that it was because she was inexperienced. But that should have been a warning as well. If she was so much older than him-- Well, no. Minbari live much longer. If she's his equivalent age and was still a virgin did that mean "no sex until marriage"? "sex is marriage?" Was it the culture of the religious caste, or her former position of Satai? The had walked through these parklands many times, talking, while the bond that united them grew unawares. One day, long before Sebastian or Morden, she had asked him. "Do you regret that you and Anna chose not to have children?" He had answered "No". It would have been some part of her left; it would have made her death harder to bear. Their work had kept them so often apart. A child would only have been left to someone else to raise. It wouldn't have been fair. That had been difficult for Delenn to accept, and the conversation went on for miles, it seemed. By the end he had realized that she mourned for the effects of her choices. She was no longer Minbari, fully. There was a purpose for her change, but it was also a loss, and at her death the Minbari whole would be diminished. She believed the change meant she could never have children, and from what Sheridan remembered of Franklin's post-change report he had had to agree. And now, walking beside her some few hours after she had given her virginity to him, he thought he understood the reason for her sad smile: She loved him, but her culture had convinced her what she felt wasn't real, only half measures accepted for full. Love meant marriage. Marriage meant the future--children--and she could have none. Marriage meant children, and he wanted none. The ground became unsteady under his feet. He tried to put himself into the mind set of a culture where underpopulation was the habitual problem instead of the reverse. Answer honestly now, he told himself. What are your thoughts about children? It's important to Delenn, he answered. That's not a good reason, he replied. That's a dodge. He took a deep breath, looking at the park around them. Only a few other people were visible. Coming on to dark and closing no one wanted to be caught so from the entrance. It was a large fine. He saw that they were close to the rose garden. Good. Roses were appropriate. He steered Delenn to the left-hand path, and continued his cross- examination. I would like to live long enough, he answered himself. I would like there to be peace enough that I could watch the rebuilding, watch children and community grow. That's a hundred-eighty degree turn, sir, he observed. Why? Anna and I had thought we were immortal, he answered. We didn't think much about the future. Somehow with death staring me in the face the future is more dear. The "Rose Garden closed until January 9th" sign was still posted at the last path branching but when they reached the entrance the "Closed for Renovation" barricade was gone. With the shuffle of changing schedules due to the need to repair the core rail work here had been concluded two weeks earlier than planned, since no heavy machinery was required. Normally there would have been people here almost until closing. But not tonight. Good. It was a pleasant space, surrounded by young pine trees. Phlox and other flowers lay in beds closest to the walk. The roses were further in and out, and climbed the low lattices that enclosed the space just inside the row of pines. All the blooms were small to discourage cutting. A circle of benches surrounded a small pool at the center and rose arbors were placed at the four corners. Bright new pieces of synthwood could be seen at the tops of the wall and arbors. The climbing roses had almost reached head-high on the arbors though the vines were still distinct. It would be a few more years before the gaps were filled in and the support structures fully obscured. The pace of their walking slowed as Delenn paused to visit the flowers. Sheridan firmed his resolve. He had stalled this long enough. He hoped he could make Delenn listen. "It seems to me you are doubting yourself," he said softly. Delenn stopped though she did not turn to look at him. "Doubting me," he continued. "Doubting 'us'." She stood still, drawing her arms in tight. The distress she was trying to pretend had left was showing again. He stood as close as he could without touching. "I love," he said close to her ear. "We love. I don't want you thinking otherwise." "But we can not--," she started to object. "It is too dangerous." "There's more to love than sex, Delenn. You know that. I admit the circumstances could be better. Yes, I would like to sleep with you. Yes, I wish I could have dressed you this afternoon and that you could have dressed me. There are difficulties, we will work them out. That is not accepting 'half measures for full'. Some day we'll be brave enough to tell the universe and hell take governments." She started walking again, following the path but not looking at the flowers. "'Some day'," she repeated. "Why do you speak as if this could have a future?" "It's only lust?" He walked beside her, letting a touch of anger into his voice. "I won't let you think of me that way. I won't let you think of yourself that way." He stepped quickly to overtake her then turned to block her pacing. When she stopped before him he lifted her chin to make her look at him. "You're letting tradition make your judgements for you. You've gone your own way in everything else you do. Why let them tell you who to love?" "Because this is how I believe." Her voice had a brittle edge to it, as if she felt he was belittling her. "I'm not trying to tell you how to think--" The hell I'm not, he told himself. He knew he was treading very dangerous territory. "--I just want you to consider that what you have learned may be over-powering what you feel. I know our relationship isn't politically convenient. But does that negate our obligation?" "Our obligations are more than to ourselves, than to each other. Our obligation is even more to the community, to the future." "To our posterity?" She said in pain, "Yes." Her face had a fragile look to it, as if she were thinking "now, he begins to understand". Her voice caught as she breathed in. "All must be enclosed in all. A thing that must be hidden from the whole is a fleeting thing. If it struggles to remain, it means to destroy the whole, as you hide from your government, as we all hide from the shadows." "It is secrecy that is fleeting, Delenn, not love. We will not hide forever." "No." She tried to back away. "It is not possible." "Love can conquer anything. You've taught me that. Love has no season, no borders, no boundaries." Finally he touched her, took her hand. She trembled. "Why do you not think this real?" "John--" Oh, yes, my love--Delenn admitted it was love--this is real. And what more do I lose now in the taking? How much I have lost. How much more you ask of me. You have spent your life doing as you will, as you want, and have been rewarded. You see the same for me. Ever as you take, you have more. Ever as I do I lose myself. You do not understand the sacrifices I have made. You humans thrive in your differences. That is not the way for Minbari, and I have been cut off from all I knew. You do not understand the pain. I have done always not what I wish but what I must, and always to my hurt. But is it true: what you want is what I want. "I love you," he said. Such a simple statement, ignoring all difficulty. "You love me." Religious caste should marry religious caste. "Some humans have Minbari souls. Doesn't that mean we're compatible?" "You are a warrior, John." He humpfed. "And you are not?" "It is not as I wish." "You've changed, I can change--" He stopped, clamping his mouth tight. Carefully he put his hands on her upper arms. His pause made her look up to try to read his face. "We keep drifting," he said, "putting up barricades. Can't we just--" He moved his hands up to her shoulders. "Look, I'm sorry we can't have children--" Her mouth opened in surprise. He means that! Her eyes misted. "--but there's a war on anyway," he continued. "There'll be plenty of children in need by the end." How he had changed in these last several months that he would say that. Or what he would do for her sake-- "You propose marriage." "Yes." She was starting to believe, Sheridan thought. He saw it in her eyes. His pulse quickened. She pulled away and he let her. "We can not," she said. "The hell we can't." "John," she whirled. The voice was angry. "Look who you are. Look who I am. This is madness." Good, we're back to 'doubt', he said to himself. That's progress. He searched for the right Minbari-type assurances. For Minbari it was everything or nothing at all, just as it had been with Anna. "I'm not 'proposing', I'm 'declaring': We are one, 'married'. All that's missing is the paperwork." She could only smile at his brashness. "And I have said: marriage is a commitment to the community as well as to each other. A marriage in secret is no more than a lie." He waved a lecturing finger, refusing to get angry. "You're letting tradition tell you how to think again." "We are not married," she said as if she could not believe she had to tell him that. "We do not live together." "So we have separate rooms. We're in the same building." Humor was good. He had to push. Yes, she had resisted speed, but he had to pursue now or he would lose again to doubt what he had gained. "We are not a household--" "We have intimate relations. We're going to have sex on a regular basis. I certainly hope we are going to have sex on a regular basis." His voice got low and husky, and his eyes twinkled. "I enjoyed myself, so did you--" He reached toward her and laughed as she backed away. "--Don't tell me otherwise. We help each other in our work." He crossed his arms and his voice turned mischievous. "I could start interfering with your day, if you'd like. Come over and help you pick out what gown to wear each day. Maybe help with the decoration--" She laughed in spite of herself. "I am not your wife." "The hell--" he started, but stopped when he saw her eyes had closed. She breathed deep then opened her eyes to him and smiled a knowing smile. "I would like to be." For a moment--just one moment--his heart stopped and he couldn't breathe. It was done. Delenn was his now, and his heart was now in her keeping. In his mind, Anna laughed happily. He felt the lightest touch of her hands skipping down his back, just as he did when he read her letters. "I taught you well, Johnny," his wife of the past told him. "Make me proud." The ghost of a kiss touched his lips, and then she faded into to her grave. Goodbye Anna, he said to her memory, and wrapped the pain and longing for her into a soft blanket of fond remembrance, tucked away into the past. Blinking back sudden tears he whispered, "Delenn--" Her smile was triumphant. "We are ... 'engaged'." His smile was the same. "What's the Minbari ritual?" "It, too, requires a promise to the community." "Is Lennier 'community' enough?" he persisted. He didn't want to give her the possible pretense that this commitment was only "human" and not "real". Delenn's breath caught as she realized how conjugal life would be not just an intertwining of flesh but also of lives, of purpose, of action. "John!" she protested. "We have promised ourselves to each other, as humans may do, and be bound though no one else knows. It is a human promise and it is enough." She began to walk again purposefully. They had almost finished their circuit of the garden. Sheridan fell into step beside her. "And we will make the Minbari promise as soon as it is possible?" She glanced at him sideways. "You are a child." "You are a cradle-robbing ex-virgin," he said in an agreeing tone. "You didn't answer my question." "You _will_ have what you _will_ have." "Abso-fragging-lutely, dammit." The sternness of the statement was undermined by uncontainable laughter. "You haven't answered my question." "You are--" "The word is 'incorrigible'. Stubborn. A pain in the ass." He pulled her the last three steps into the final arbor, then took both hands in his, and put one knee to the ground. Small rose blooms arched around them. He held her right hand tightly as he let go of her left to broadly gesture and then place his other hand on his heart. He continued happily as she vainly tried to pull away, afraid at the loudness of his voice and gestures. "Hopelessly, gloriously--" She placed her free hand over her heart. She looked quickly around the garden confirming they were still alone. That was no assurance of privacy. He continued unabashed, totally oblivious or perhaps enjoying her consternation. "--Absolutely, positively, unmistakenly a fool in love again." The broad grin and his awkward pose did look foolish. She laughed. He joined her, adding emphatically. "And I won't take 'No' for an answer!" She tried to pull him up and but she was not strong enough. He held her hand tight and his face went serious. "We've made our human promise. As soon as we can without hurting our cause, we will make our Minbari promise." She stared at him silently, thinking how curious a people they were to make humor an oath and oath into humor. What she saw was utter sincerity, personal commitment. It was strength of emotion without the benefit of ritual. It seemed a human specialty. "Are we in agreement?" he begged desperately. "Please, Delenn." How could there be a doubt? "Yes," She said, making her own simple ritual, and found herself more at peace that after a day at temple. She smiled. That smile is not a sad smile, Sheridan thought as he stood, taking her into his arms. Again, without seeming to, he scanned to see there were no witnesses and held her close in great relief. Mine. And I am yours. There could be no turning back now. "We'll make it work," he said into her hair, then pulled back to look at her. "This is what I want," he told her. Her face was framed by the roses behind her. "I want you walking on air. I want to walk there with you. I want you happy and no doubts, no guilt." She smiled back at him. "No doubts." He closed his eyes and kissed her, long and romantic, and she responded without hesitation. Then they parted, and he stepped back into 'captain', and she to 'ambassador' and he walked her back to her part of their shared home. ===end===