From: david@grelb.src.gla.ac.uk
Subject: Glasgow 5 Episode 1 The Voice of the Wildebeest Spoilers Season 1 & 2
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 15:22:09 +0100 (BST)

This is the first episode of a parody of Babylon 5 I'm writing. I have the outline of a parody of B5's arc and I'm planning to tell it via a series of stories, some as direct parodies of B5 episodes, some as original episodes. For more information on what I'm planning to do and some background have a look at the official Glasgow 5 web page found at http://grelb.src.gla.ac.uk:8000/~david/glasgow5/

Please let me know what you think of this story and my idea, I don't want to keep sending 45k+ posts that no one wants to read. 

Just a quick note about my writing style. I have used footnotes throughout this story in a similar manner to Terry Prachett. This however causes complications in an electronic form. On the web pages I have included links to the footnotes and then back to the text but I can't do that in an email. Therefore the footnotes are at the bottom of the file. Because of this you might want to read the web version but it's up to you. BTW you can read the story without referencing the foornotes (apart from the English translations of the Millibar) they're mostly just comic asides. I've also used alternative names for the characters, races and such, it should be obvious who's who though. Again for more info see the web page.

I suppose you could say this contains spoilers for The Gathering, a Voice in the Wilderness and the first couple of episodes of season 2 and you'd probably be right.
 
Anyway here's some spoiler space just in case.












				  Glasgow 5

				  Episode 1

			 The Voice of the Wildebeest

				     by

			     David E. Petticrew

'It was the dawn of the third age of mankind, ten years after the Earth
Millibar War. The Glasgow project was a dream given form, in other words a
nightmare. I mean come on guys, you give me a two million five hundred
thousand and two ton lump of spinning metal, locate us in a backyard in
space that no-one wants. Then fill it with hustlers, entrepreneurs,
wanderers and pirates and even worse diplomats. They make it a dangerous
place to live but it's our last best hope for ... for ... something. This is
the story of the last of the Glasgow stations, well until they build another
one at least. The year is 2258. The name of the place is ... of yeah,
Glasgow 5.'
						     Commander Deaf Spectrum


Commander Deaf Spectrum yawned. Not a slow long drawn out yawn like if he
had just woken after a long lie on a hot summer day back on earth or Mars in
his case. Neither was it quick stifled yawn as if he had been sitting all
day in long negotiations with the Barn Regime and the United Planets of
Centroid, trying to look as if he was interested. Listening to Ambassador
G'RegCar tell Ambassador Ludo Moley that Mozart's magic flute was best when
played on a flute made out of a Centroid thigh bone wasn't his idea of fun.
Never the less he yawned. It had been a long day and this wasn't making it
any easier.
'What can you tell me about Clyde then, I thought it was supposed to be
geologically dead?' he said barely stifling another yawn.
'We thought it was. Where else would they put this heap of junk other than
orbiting the most boring planet in the galaxy[1]. Until today even Pluto held
more mystery. Now we're picking up seismic distortions in planet's upper
sedimentation gradients,' replied Lieutenant Command Salsa Supernova.
'You mean we're picking up earthquakes?'
'Yes, that's what I said isn't it?'
'Right. Okay who are we sending down to investigate?'
'We're sending down Dr Yousankher and a crew of geologists in a shuttle to
do a low orbital scan.'
'Is there any danger to the team?'
'We don't think so, if it wasn't happen to Clyde it would be fairly
routine.'
'Good if there was any danger I'd want to be on that shuttle. Keep me
informed Lieutenant Commander.' Spectrum left C'n'C feeling drained and
looking forward to a nice relaxing bath. Supernova stayed at her post
wondering exactly what Spectrum had meant by his last comment. Of course
this was rather surprising, since any fool could tell that he meant that if
there was any significant risk of danger, he wanted to be on the shuttle
doing the survey. However Salsa wasn't any fool.

Meanwhile down at docking bay 3, a mysterious stranger whose fate would be
somehow intertwined with that of Glasgow 5 from this day forth, was making
his way through customs completely unaware of the future in store for him.
He was of average height, with an average looking bone adorning his average
bald head, siting just above his average small ears[2] and only his rare beard
was of note in what was an otherwise average Millibar. His name was Drawl
and he was here on a mission to see Ambassador Saywhen. What that mission
was, no-one could say except Drawl himself, or if they could they weren't.
Anyway whatever his mission, immediately after he cleared customs he asked
for directions to Ambassador Saywhen's quarters. This might have been
considered unusual but it wasn't, so a security guard was only to happy to
guide him to the Ambassadorial wing.

Ambassador Saywhen was actually having rather a good day. She had finished a
trade negotiation with Ambassador Moley and her numbers had come up in the
Glasgow 5 lottery. Unfortunately she had forgotten to renew here yearly
ticket which had run out last week but she wasn't aware of this yet, so she
was still feeling rather good. She was just approaching her quarters when
she noticed a Millibar coming toward her with a determined look in his eyes.
It only took a second for the recognition to flow across here face as she
recognised her old mentor Drawl.
'Well how's yall doing then Saywhen,' he said in his unmistakable southern
voice that left no doubt as to why he had earned the name Drawl.
'Drawl, it's good to see you. It's been far too long since last we were
together,' Saywhen thought her day was just about perfect, she still hadn't
learned about her lottery ticket expiring but there was plenty of time for
that.

Dr Yousankher also thought he was having a good day, again like Saywhen he
was about to find out differently. He however never entered the lottery. A
few days ago he probably been the most miserable geologist in the entire
Earth Commonwealth, well apart from James Carry whose entire life savings
had been forfeit when he accidentally mistook a perfectly harmless asteroid
for a comet on a collision course with earth. He was sentenced to Glasgow 5,
orbiting the most geologically dead planet in the galaxy while others were
out earning names for themselves. Now he had a chance to prove himself, a
completely unexplained phenomena, and he was the only geologist here to
study it. He was just about to ask his assistant Choco if he had finished
the preliminary scan when the shuttle shook like the old empire state
building in a meteor shower.
'What was that?' he exclaimed. Despite the fact no-one else in the shuttle
had any more a clue as to what as happening than he did. They said so, much
to the annoyance of Yousankher.
'Well find out, we don't want to be caught again,' he said, trying to keep
the annoyance out of his voice at the responses to his own rather stupid
question. He was just about to get his bearings again when a missile struck
the rear of the shuttle and sent him tumbling into the forward control
panel.
'I knew we shouldn't have taken Challenger, next time I'm taking Discovery,'
he mumbled, but all he said out loud was, 'find out where that missile came
from, and patch me through to C'n'C.'

Spectrum was about to get into the bath when he noticed a strange figure
flicking in and out of existence, like the dodgy TV picture he usually got
when trying to watch the interstellar football[3]. It looked humanoid[4], but
instead of clothes it had a short dark brown fur, with a long mane of black
hair from it's head down over it's shoulders, there were also two enormous
horns spreading outwards from the top of his head. It was also obviously
female. She was calling out, 'Help me, please help me'. Then the vision
faded, Spectrum rubbed his eyes, looked at his inviting bath, forgot all
about the upright talking wildebeest and jumped in, making a rather large
splash and wasting a lot of water. It was rarely he actually got the
opportunity to play with his pet duck, Freddy, and he was glad of the
chance.
Then his link bleeped, 'Commander,' typical he thought always when I'm in
the bath.
'Yes Supernova this better be urgent, if this is someone else you want me to
assure that you are God there's going to be ?'
'No Dr Yousankher was willing to take my word for it. You'd better get up
here quick, it appears Dr Yousankher's shuttle has been fired upon by
something from inside the planet.'
'Sounds dangerous I'd better go down there and take a look.'
'I'll see you in a few minutes. Oh by the way Ambassador Couch would like to
speak to you.'
'Fine patch him through, hello Ambassador this is a bit unusual to here from
you. I can be with you in a few minutes but first I have to go to the
toilet, then to C'n'C and afterwards I'm going to the planet so it'll have
to be quick.'
'Don't go,' well at least Ambassador Couch was normal, a typical Vorkon
answer, short, blunt and totally useless.
'Don't go where Ambassador, to the toilet, C'n'C or Clyde?'
'Yes.'
'Not again, come on Couch what sort of answer is that, yes. You sound like
the Microsoft help line.'
'Sorry commander he's gone.'
'Great, I'll be there in a few minutes.' Spectrum was starting to wonder
what else could go wrong today. He grabbed his uniform and headed towards
the toilet, then he paused just outside the door wondering which of the
options it was Couch had warned him not to do.

By the time he had convinced himself that it probably wasn't the toilet or
C'n'C that Couch was talking about, it was about forty minutes later that he
found himself in C'n'C. He was slightly surprised to see Security Chief
Muddle Jammydodger there but then he would be surprised to see Muddle
anywhere at eight in the morning. Not that it was eight in the morning but
he would have been surprised to see Muddle if it were. It was only when he
noticed that Muddle had drawn his PDG[5] and then a couple of seconds later
when he worked out who it was pointed at that it truly dawned on him that
something was wrong.
'You'd better come with me Deaf.'
'Why Muddle, what's this all about.'
'Ambassador Couch is in sickbay dying and we have at least one witness that
says he saw you do it.'
It was probably at this point that Spectrum thought the day couldn't get any
worse but like the proverbial Barn at Centroid music festival[6] he was dead
wrong.

Supernova was left with a big problem. Not only had missiles been fired at a
shuttle from a supposedly dead world, her CO taken into custody for the
attempted assassination of the Vorkon ambassador but her hair was untidy
again.
'Get Dr Yousankher up here immediately,' she demanded of nobody in
particular. This immediately sent twelve junior officers off attempting to
call Yousankher at the same time in a vain effort to avoid any lightening
strikes likely to emerge from the growing cloud above Supernova.
'How many of you does it take to call one doctor,' she snarled at this
nearest target, which was unfortunate as Lt Van Clamp was the only person in
C'n'C who had kept his head and hadn't tried to reach Yousankher.
Fortunately for everyone else in C'n'C Dr Yousankher walked in at that
moment.
'You wanted to see me Commander?'
'Yes, what happened out there?'
'Well I was walking along the corridor going back to my room when I got a
call to come and see you. So I turned around headed back here, and walked in
the door.'
Supernova was having a hard time keeping it down to a hurricane by this
time. Dr Younsankher was mildly distracted by trying to work out exactly why
everyone else seemed to be bracing themselves behind consoles.
'I wasn't talking about outside C'n'C I was talking about outside the
station in orbit around the planet!'
Something about Supernova's tone should have warned Yousankher that he
should be treading carefully, never mind the cowering command staff, but
like a Barn diplomat we has totally absorbed in his own thoughts and totally
unaware of anything going on around him.
'Well I didn't know that. Anyway we seemed to lose power for a couple of
seconds and then this missiles hit our gun port.'
'Do you know where the missile came from?'
'Know, no, you have to understand that working out the origin of the missile
from it's point of impact and damage caused is tricky calculation. I can't
place it within more than 1 meter with a probability of more than 99.8%.'
By this time most people had completely fled from C'n'C, leaving only
Supernova, Yousankher and Lt Van Clamp who was still quivering in his seat
and was no longer even sure what day it was.
'Dr Yousankher unless you wish to continue your survey of the planet without
a shuttle or a space suit will you kindly just tell me where the missile
came from.'
'Will I be getting a furrystar then?'
Supernova screamed.

Meanwhile down in Security Jammydodger wasn't having a much better time.
'Why did it take you 40 minutes to respond to a urgent call Deaf?'
'Have you ever had an ambiguous warning from a Vorkon before?'
'Do Vorkon's give any unambiguous warnings?'
'What if you told Ambassador Couch you were going to go to the toilet, C'n'C
then the planet and he told you not to go?'
'Where, the toilet, C'n'C or the planet?'
'Exactly what I said, to which he replied yes, how do you respond to that?'
'How did you?'
'You asked why I was late?'
'Look we're not on Whose line is it anyway, do you have to keep answering
with questions?'
'I don't know, what do you think?'
Jammydodger screamed.

Ambassador Saywhen was explaining to Drawl about here lottery win, and
proudly flourishing the ticket when Drawl noticed the expiary date. Saywhen
screamed.
Indeed she was still screaming when the strange brown furry millibaroid
appeared again. Phasing in and out of existence like a bird of prey with a
dodgy cloaking device she called 'Help me please'. Abruptly she vanished
again.
'That was rather interesting', said Drawl, in much the same way he would
have said 'that was sad,' on hearing of the complete destruction of
Millibard.
'Were did she come from?', Saywhen asked, 'and that hair was quite nice, I
wonder if I could get some?'
'I'm not sure and I don't think hair would suit a Millibar.'
'I think we should go and see Commander Spectrum.'
'Wouldn't a wig manufacturer be more appropriate?'

Commander Spectrum would have liked to see Saywhen, he would have liked to
see anyone right now. He had just about managed to convince Muddle that he
was innocent but he was a friend, how was he going to convince everyone
else. Meanwhile he languished in a cell. Instead Saywhen was talking to
Supernova.
'We have to investigate the planet Clyde, I'm convinced the Wildebeest comes
from there.'
'Wildebeest, Ambassador?'
'Well almost, I have been studying your planet and I this being that keeps
appearing does bear a remarkable resemblance to the earth creature,
Wildebeest.'
'How do you know it comes from Clyde?'
'Well you have been getting anomalous readings from Clyde in the past few
days and where else would it come from?'
'I'll need to talk to Commander Spectrum about this Ambassador but I'll get
back to you.'
Supernova was relieved to see Saywhen leave, she wasn't really sure what to
make of claims of strange creatures appearing and disappearing over the
station. Not for the last time she wished Spectrum was here to handle this.
Of course, knowing Spectrum, she realised he would have probably delegated
it to her anyway but it was somehow more comforting to know he was there to
veto any stupid ideas. Well not any stupid ideas, just the ones that didn't
work. In fact now she thought about it she didn't have stupid ideas which
wouldn't work, who needs Spectrum anyway. When she was sure she had really
gone she turned to Lt. Van Clamp who was still shaking and asked what
exactly a wildebeest was. Then before giving the unfortunate lieutenant a
chance to give any kind of coherent answer she marched out and headed for
security.

Fifteen minutes and several junior officers and innocent passers by who
happened to get in Supernova's way later, she was sitting in security around
a table with Jammydodger and Spectrum.
'Now that you mention it I do remember seeing something that sounds like
what Ambassador Saywhen was describing before I came to C'n'C. I have to go
down there.'
'I'm sorry I can't let you do that sir, what with the attempted murder
charge over your head. You will have to remain on the station until we can
verify your whereabouts at the time of the crime.'
'Very well, you'll have to go Muddle, and you'd better take Dr Sealion with
you, the wildebeest said he needed help.'
'What about Ambassador Couch, Even can't leave him?'
'I suppose your right, very well Lieutenant Commander you and Mr Jammydodger
had better take a shuttle down there and see if you can find out what's
going on. Meanwhile I have a murderer to find.'

Supernova's day wasn't getting much better. It wasn't dodging missiles fired
from a supposedly dead world, travelling down a canyon that only hours ago
wasn't there, it wasn't even having Muddle as a pilot, no it was thought
that she had forgotten to set her computer to tape Home and Abroad: The
Intergalactic soap. Never the less Supernova and Jammydodger plunged beneath
the surface of Clyde.
'There appears to be an opening up ahead Commander, shall I enter?'
'Why else did we come down here?'
Jammydodger was beginning to suspect that perhaps Supernova hadn't quite
calmed down from her incident with Dr. Yousankher. He brought the shuttle
through the narrow gap in a spectacular smooth curving manoeuvre that almost
defied the laws of physics. However if he expected any show of admiration
from Supernova he hid it well. Too well in fact, such that he was forced to
ask her what she thought of his landing. When she replied 'Okay I guess,'
Muddle decided it just wasn't his day and he might as well give up.

They appeared to be in some sort of landing pad. There appeared to be a
breathable atmosphere outside but neither Jammydodger or Supernova had got
where they were in life by taking chances[7] so they both wore breathing
apparatus. After looking around for a few minutes they decided that the
small wheeled boxes that looked suspiciously like buggies for moving around
the place where in fact buggies for moving around the place. Jammydoger
climber into the front and took the controls.
'Why do you have to drive?' said Supernova in a sweet delicate voice that
Muddle knew had to be the calm before the storm. Still he always liked to
provoke things.
'Well you know what they say about women drivers?'
'What exactly do they say?' Muddle thought he could actually feel the ice in
the air and decided that maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
'Well they say they're so good they don't need practice but if you'd like I
guess I could forgo my much needed practice and let you drive?', he replied
without even a hint of the sarcasm he was feeling showing through.
'Well that's just typical . sorry did you say I could drive?'
'Yes.'
'Well, thank you,' Supernova said rather surprised as she swapped seats with
Jammydodger. She put into gear and took off in a manner which very much
reminded Muddle of the answer he had wanted to give to Supernova's earlier
question.

As they travelled along they couldn't help but be impressed by their
surroundings. Indeed the door wouldn't let them through with out having
their hands stamped with a funny symbol. They passed through great caverns
towering high with what looked like rows and rows of data crystals. They
seemed to be lots and lots of stories but almost always in pairs. There were
two copies of some rather old and dusty crystals of just about every book
Muddle had ever heard off and many he hadn't, in many alien languages only a
few of which he recognised. They then passed into anther chamber where there
were seven copies of what appeared to be very new crystals. Neither Muddle
or Salsa could read the titles on any of these. Soon they came to a vast
chamber where suspended on one wall about 2 meters in the air was the
wildebeest embedded in some kind of organic machine. She looked at them and
then apparently relaxed and feel from the machine and landed in the back of
there vehicle.
'You must leave now, quickly before this place destroys you without me,' she
said before lapsing into unconsciousness.
'I wonder what that means?' said Supernova, again despite the perfectly
oblivious to the fact that it meant get out quick.
'I think I know,' said Muddle as a laser beam sliced through the air inches
from his head, 'step on  it.'
'Step on what?'
This time it was Muddle's turn to blow a fuse as he wrestled the controls
from Supernova and headed back to the shuttle at top speed.

Meanwhile back on board the station things still weren't going Spectrum's
way. He was in the Medlab talking to Dr. Even Sealion.
'Is he going to make it doctor?'
'I don't know. No one even knows what a Vorkon looks like never mind how to
treat one. I might as well be standing over him and proclaiming incantations
while moving rhythmically and applying lacerations to my carpus and upper
torso.'
'You what?'
'Oh sorry, I mean shouting magic words while dancing and wounding myself.'
'Why would you want to do that?'
'Oh never mind, suffice it to say that I don't know what to do, I don't even
know what's wrong with him.'
Suddenly Spectrum's com link bleeped.
'Commander you'd better get up here a large alien vessel of unknown
designation has just come through the jump gate and it doesn't look
friendly.'
'How can you tell where a ship looks friendly or not, it can't exactly
smile.'
'It has all it's gun ports open and they've locked weapons on us as well.'
'Oh right, I'll be there as soon as possible. Are Jammydodger and Supernova
back from Clyde yet?'
'Yes, they just docked, they're bringing the Wildebeest to Medlab now'.
'Looks like you've got another alien to deal with doctor,' he said as he
dashed out the door and headed for the lift.

Deaf strode into C'n'C with a renewed purpose. It was often said, by those
who knew the commander best, that he operated best under pressure. Well
there was plenty of that, not only was he accused of attempting to murder
the ambassador of the most powerful race known to man, but he also had to
deal with a mysterious alien from a supposedly dead world and now an armed
battle ship of unknown configuration was sitting outside with it's weapons
turned on the station.'Has there been any communication from that ship yet?'
he asked.
'Yes but there systems seemed to be incompatible with ours. I can't make
anything of this message,' said Lt Van Clamp who was not only enjoying the
chance to tackle a problem in his area of expertise but thought that Lt
Commander Supernova was still investigating Clyde. 'We could try sending an
old fashioned radio signal, it would be fairly crude with no visual but it
might be worth a try.'
'Okay set it up.'
'What signal should we send, sir?'
'Nothing too complicated. How about, please stand down your weapons.'
Lt Van Clamp was only to happy to oblige. He encoded and sent the signal,
unfortunately it was then that he noticed someone coming through the door.
Lt Command Supernova apparently unperturbed by the wide space she seemed to
be getting, marched in and took her usual place at the main control centre.
'Signal sent, they appear to have broken off sending there signals, sir. I
think my shift ended a few minutes sir, I think I better leave now.'
'Not at all, you're obviously the expert here, I'm sure you could do with
some overtime.' Supernova wasn't the only one who wasn't paying enough
attention to certain signals coming from their command staff.
'How's our guest Salsa?', Spectrum enquired.
'There's big trouble, commander. She had regained consciousness when we
arrived back here. We were on our way to Medlab and she was telling us that
we were in great danger unless we could find something.'
'What, ordinarily I don't mind guessing games but I'm a bit busy at the
moment?'
'We don't know, she was in the middle of explaining it when she was attacked
by one of the security guards, she's in Medlab now. Dr Sealion says she
should recover but she'll be out of it for at least 24 hours.'
'She was attacked by a security guard? Who?'
'Tom Dole, Muddle tried to get him at the time but he got away. He then took
our Wildebeest to Medlab. In fact Muddle appears to get on well with her,
when she was conscious. I think we should get Muddle to stay around her, it
seems to calm her.'
'What about Tom Dole?'
'Jammydodger said he'd get right on it, it appears he's taking this
personally.'
'Keep me informed, Lieutenant has there been any reply from the alien ship?'

'Yes sir, I'm just decoding it now.'
'Put it on audio, please.'
'We have come to claim our property you will vacate this system
immediately.'

Jammydodger was having a puzzling time, which wasn't unusual but
unfortunately he wasn't watching Countdown. He'd asked the computer for the
location of Tom Dole, only to have it tell him he was in his quarters. He
taken a team of ten security staff and blown in the door to find a rather
embarrassed Tom in his quarters with Lt Shifter. At the time of the assault
he'd been welcoming Lt Shifter into his quarters, seen by at least ten
people. After a couple of questions Muddle had established that Lt Shifter
was supposed to be working but due to placing an extra shift on repairing
Challenger and been given the night off at the last minute. She had gone
straight to Dole's quarters. It caused Jammydodger to think. Two assaults in
one day. Both supposedly done by people I know didn't do it, one I can prove
one I can't. Something was straying at the edge of Jammydodger's mind to
make the connection and set his mind racing to the solution but like a Lada
on a cold morning it was having a bit of trouble starting[8]. His link
bleeped.
'Dr Sealion here. I thought you'd like to know Ambassador Couch appears to
be recovering?'
'That's great doc, what you do?'
'Nothing, he just appears to be getting better, if he keeps this up he
should be conscious in a couple of hours.'
'That's impossible, he took a PDG shot in the chest, well what we think is
chest and now he's just getting better'
'That's right, I wish I could claim the credit, actually maybe it was
something I did, who knows.'
'Yeah, if you want doc. Thanks for the info, you'd better tell Spectrum.'

Back in C'n'C Spectrum wasn't having much luck with the alien vessel.
'They just keep repeating their ultimatum, sir. If we don't vacate the
system within thirty of their hours we're toast.'
'How long is thirty of their hours, Lieutenant,' asked Spectrum, only mildly
annoyed that Lt Van Clamp didn't trust him to get them out of this seemingly
insurmountable situation. After all he had done it countless times before,
like the time when he charged the Millibar battle cruisers in the battle of
the arc. He'd blacked out and somehow missed but when he came round about
twenty hours later the Millibar had surrendered. Although they gave no
reason, Spectrum privately thought it was his suicide run that had turned
the tide.
'I don't know, Commander, we're trying to establish that now, but it's quite
difficult when they just keep sending the same message over and over again.'

'Very well keep trying.'
'Commander,' just the sound of Supernova's voice sent Lt Van Clamp fleeing
back to his console and indecipherable messages, 'Dr Sealion wants to talk
to you, it's about Ambassador Couch.'
'Go ahead, Even what's up, not bad news I hope.'
'No, great news in fact, it appears that I've been able to get some response
from Ambassador Couch, he'll be awake in a couple of hours.'
'Great work doctor, your skills never cease to amaze me.'
'Thanks, I must admit I did a great job with the ambassador.'
'How's our talking wildebeest coming?'
'It'll still be another twenty hours before she wakes up, I could wake her
in ten but I wouldn't risk it.'
'Thanks doc, keep me informed.'

Ambassador Saywhen and Drawl were standing outside medlab. Well perhaps
standing is the wrong word, arguing vehemently might be a better
description. After careful consideration they decided that the wildebeest
had appeared to them as well, and they had a right to see her. Unfortunately
the security staff outside Medlab didn't seem to agree.
'Look just let me talk to Dr Sealion or Commander Spectrum, I'm sure they'll
let me see her.'
'That may be ambassador but we've got orders that no-one is to be allowed to
see either Ambassador Couch or the Wildebeest in case of another attack.'
'Do I look like a killer?'
'Well you are a Millibar, and you lot killed enough humans in your time.'
Saywhen turned away sad.
'Come on Drawl let's see if we can talk to Commander Spectrum.'
However as they left Medlab it was another subject that Drawl spoke of,
'Even after all these years they still hate and fear us.'
'Not all of them, Commander Spectrum, has been nothing but kind toward us.'
'Yes, but you know he's different, we proved that at the Battle of the Arc.'

'He is more typical than you know.'

'Commander Spectrum, we've been able to work out the time limit we've been
given,' said Lt Van Clamp, who seemed to have had a sudden burst of energy,
which even Spectrum was beginning to associate with the proximity of
Supernova.
'Well how long have we got then?'
'We were able to convince them to send us data for the orbit of Clyde, from
this were able to work out what the orbital period was in their hours ...'
'Lieutenant, all I asked for was the time.'
'Oh right, okay, well we have 12 hours left sir.'
'Thank you, now I believe you are due to go off shift, Supernova will be
back in about half an hour so that gives you twenty minutes to come with
anything else that might be useful from their transmissions.'
Lieutenant Van Clamp smiled, and hurried away.

Twenty five minutes later he had nothing more so he headed back to his
quarters fortunately just missing Supernova on the way up. Supernova strode
into C'n'C with her usual tact and delicacy.
'Commander, Dr Sealion said to tell you Ambassador Couch is awake and wants
to talk to you.'
'Okay I'll head down to Medlab, let me know what our friend out there is up
to.'
Spectrum headed out and made his way quickly to Medlab, trying to work out
what exactly to do with a situation that was becoming worse by the hour.
Unfortunately it was at this precise time that Saywhen and Drawl were
heading to see him. The chances of them actually meeting on the way was
probably about a thousand to one and the chances of them colliding head on
about a million to one, however by Prachett's theory of probabilities[9] this
is exactly what happened. Spectrum quickly offered to help Saywhen to her
feet.
'Commander, are you aware that we cannot get into to Medlab to see the
wildebeest.'
'We thought it best to restrict access in case anyone else tries to kill
her.'
'I understand Commander, but she did appear to us as well and we would like
to see her.'
'Come with me Ambassador, Drawl, I'm on my way to Medlab to see Ambassador
Couch who has just recovered and asked to see me.'

Even was waiting for them when they arrived.
'The ambassador is still quite weak, don't stay with him for too long. In
fact, I wouldn't be letting you see him if he hadn't insisted.'
'Thanks Even, oh one other thing could you let Saywhen and Drawl see the
Wildebeest?'
'Okay, but I'll want a guard to supervise at all times. Is that acceptable
to you Ambassador?'
'Yes, thank you doctor.'
Spectrum made his way to where Couch was lying on a Couch. Well he presumed
Couch was lying, his encounter suit was lying on the Couch and that might
not be the same thing.
'Hello Ambassador, you wanted to see me,' Spectrum began, he thought he
would keep things nice and simple, after all he had been accused of trying
to murder Couch.
'Yes.'
Spectrum was beginning to remember why he didn't normally look forward to
conversations with Couch.
'Why did you want to see me Ambassador?'
'I didn't warn you. It was an impostor. I tried to stop him. He ran away
changed form and then shot me.'
'Are you sure you're feeling better Ambassador, are you sure you don't want
to rephrase that as a riddle?' Spectrum was having a little difficulty
accepting that a Vorkon could actually give a straight answer.
'Yes.'
'What yes you are feeling better or yes you want to set a riddle?'
Couch just lay there, well his encounter suit just lay there, for all he
knew Vorkon's might be tiny thirty centimetre beings and Couch was actually
engaged in gymnastics inside his suit. Oh well back to normal I suppose.
Even approached.
'I think that's all the Ambassador can take at the moment you'd better leave
him alone.'
'Thanks doctor, I think Couch has just solved two mysteries for us. I'm off
to see Jammydodger.'

Saywhen looked through the glass window to the isolation booth. The
wildebeest was lying on a bed with multiple tubes running to various parts
of her body. As she and Drawl watched, she seemed to stir. She quickly
called over Dr Sealion.
'Yes your right ambassador, she does seem to be moving. I'm going in to have
a look.'
Even hurried through the airlock, he could have hurried more but he had to
reply to the ambassador. He bent over her and went to check the monitors he
had hooked up to her. He was startled when she opened her mouth and
whispered,
'I need to see the baldies  with the bones please.'
Even called out to Saywhen and Drawl,
'Ambassador, Drawl, the she seems to be asking for you. You'd better come in
and see what she wants.'
They were only too happy to comply. They made their way through the airlock
and stood beside Even over the wildebeest.
'We're here now, tell us what you need,' said Saywhen in a quiet gently
soothing tone, for a Millibar which unfortunately grated like fingernails on
a blackboard to Even, who was having great difficulty trying not to appear
distressed.
'You,' she said looking directly at Drawl, 'must replace me before the
planet destroys itself and you.'
Saywhen appeared quite stunned, which was nothing compared to Even who was
still recovering from Saywhen's soothing tone. Drawl however looked
thoughtful and said,
'I knew I was to come here for a reason, I think I understand why now.'
The wildebeest was struggling to say something else,
'could ... I please see ... Mr Jammydodger again ... please.'

Jammydodger was feeling a bit deflated. He had just figured out that someone
was obviously using an illegal changeling net to change there appearance and
committing the crimes, when Spectrum had come in and told him Ambassador
Couch had just told him as much. Couch had also apparently given Spectrum
enough to work out the motive as well. This assassin obviously didn't want
anyone going to the planet below, although for what reasons he couldn't be
clear. Typical he thought, the first person who ever gets a straight answer
out of a Vorkon and to be something he'd just worked out. However on the
other hand, the wildebeest was recovering and asking to see him. The
wildebeest was kind of cute and he did enjoy her company, so he might as
well go to medlab and see what she wanted.

'Come in Muddle, the wildebeest, Saywhen and Drawl are waiting for you,'
said Even as he made his way into Medlab.
'What's the Ambassador doing here, and who's Drawl?', Muddle was a bit
surprised, rather like when you get a call from a nice girl for dinner only
to find that when you turn up, she's invited the whole street.
'Drawl is the Ambassador's friend, apparently they're just waiting for you
before heading down to Clyde.' By this stage Muddle was beginning to think
more along the lines of being invited to dinner for the first time then
being introduced to your best man, the matron of honour, your future parents
in law and then being asked if the ring was okay. Muddle always seemed to
see everything in terms of relationships, or blowing things up. A bit shaken
he went over to see the wildebeest.
'Ah Muddle, good of you to come. I need you to take us down to Clyde so that
Drawl can take my place and stop Clyde from destroying the whole system.'
'What about the ship outside?'
'What ship outside?' finally thought Muddle, I know something she doesn't.
'The ship that everyone assumes came through the jump gate a few hours ago,
although no one actually saw it, and then demanded that we evacuate the
system,' Muddle was so busy concentrating on the wildebeest that he didn't
notice Saywhen and Drawl whispering to each other in Millibar.
'Sok vok neigh pah pah no nork bar.'[10]
'Nog turn took mech kjut gefds forf hugid.'[11]
'Higes hujit klostop juttupot josg huftpit sadfut yippiedoda.'[12]
Meanwhile Muddle and the wildebeest had decided on a plan to go down to
Clyde. Muddle went away to make preparations while Saywhen and Drawl took
care of the wildebeest. They arranged to meet at docking bay two hours.

Muddle went to discuss the details with Spectrum.
'Yes, I agree, I think you'll have to take them down to Clyde.'
'Thanks sir, what about that ship and the deadline.'
'What with me on the job we'll sort it out somehow but we're preparing to
evacuate the station just in case.'
'Don't you think you should tell people.'
'Why would we want to do that they'll all panic?'
'Yes, they might but we might need to evacuate in a hurry, it'll be easier
if they're prepared.'
'Possibly but I know I can handle it, I always have with everything else.
You know we just can't loose, we've got a whole five seasons ahead of us.'
'Yes, but this isn't Star Trek, things have consequences we might kill all
the people on the station and become Glasgow 6.'
'You might have a point there, I'll think about it.'

Saywhen, Drawl and the Wildebeest were waiting for Muddle outside docking
bay two. He was late but they weren't to worried this was after all Muddle
Jammydodger they were talking about. They didn't have to wait to much longer
before Muddle came along.
'Come on lets get going.'
They were about half way to the shuttle when they heard a cry from behind
them.
'He's not Muddle Jammydodger, I'm Muddle Jammydodger.'
Saywhen turned to see Muddle standing behind her but he was also in front of
her. This was very confusing for Saywhen who hadn't heard about the
changeling net. Muddle on the other hand knew exactly what was happening,
the assassin was using him to get to Clyde, but how could he convince
Saywhen that he was the really Jammydodger?
'Saywhen, remember when you first came on board. Do you remember the
incident with the bucket of water, the rubber chicken and the super glue.'
'Yes, quick Drawl grab him,' she said pointing to the Jammydodger nearest
her. Unfortunately Drawl wasn't quite as quick as he used to be and the
impostor ducked Drawl's grabbing hands and set off at a furious pace round
the corner. The real Jammydodger paused to tell the wildebeest not to worry
that he'd be back soon, and then headed down the corridor after the
impostor. He rounded the corner and he couldn't see anyone that looked like
him. He did however see someone unusual going round the corner. It took him
a couple of seconds to realise what was unusual about the Markab with the
swept back hair, Markab's didn't have hair. It must take the changeling net
several seconds to change from one form to another, he thought, and I caught
him changing. Muddle charged round the corner only to discover a corridor
full of Markabs. Great, he thought, he could be anywhere by now. He made his
way back to Saywhen and the wildebeest.

Spectrum wasn't too happy about the prospect of someone with a changeling
net being loose on the station. There was not telling how much damage they
might do. Jammydodger's shuttle had just entered Clyde's atmosphere, when
the pressure alarms started clanging in his ears.
'We've got a hull breach, Commander', yelled Supernova.
'Yes, Lieutenant Commander, thanks to your excellent deductive reasoning,
now we all know what the pressure alarm sounding means. Would it be possible
for you to find out why we have a hull breach,' said Spectrum.
'Thanks and I'll try Commander,' Spectrum sighed, subtlety and sarcasm
weren't exactly Supernova's strong points.
'Commander, I believe we have the cause of the hull breach, a small pod
burned it's way through the hull and is now heading towards the alien
vessel.'
'Can we hit it before it reaches it.'
'No, it will take us at least thirty seconds to get the defence grid
active.'
'We've got an unknown alien vessel out there, which threatened us and you
don't already have the defence grid active.'
'No, it all adds to the tension in the final scene.' Spectrum was beginning
to understand how Lt Van Clamp felt.
'Message coming in from the alien vessel,' called Supernova.
'Let's here it then and get that defence grid activated,' said Spectrum
hoping that was explicate enough for even Supernova to follow.
'Here's the message, and the defence grid is going active, sir.'
'How dare you send a ship to our planet, you and that wildebeest are going
to pay for this, we will blow you out of the sky.'
'Send back, you'll have difficulty, we're not in the sky, this is space you
moron's but you're welcome to try,' Supernova clearly looked like she was
relishing the challenge. Spectrum on the other hand was remembering his
earlier conversation with Muddle.
'Eh Supernova, I don't know that we really want to provoke them any more,'
he said, 'launch all furrystar and stand by to attack.'
'Commander, the alien vessel has split into two pieces and one has got me
very worried. Remember all those alien sightings back in the twentieth
century, well one part of this ship looks exactly like those so called
flying saucers.'
'You think these aliens visited earth three centuries ago? Where have they
been for the past three hundred years?'
'Commander, they opened fire.'
'Send in the furrystars and open fire.'
Several minutes passed as a continual flow of damage reports came through to
Spectrum.
'Furrystar wings, two through seven attack again.'
'It's no good, sir, no matter how much we throw at them it doesn't seem to
stop them, but we're going in again,' came back the response.
'Supernova do we have anything left to throw at them,' by this time his
earlier conversation with Muddle was coming back to haunt him.
'No, and we've already lost ten furrystars.'
Suddenly the station shook.
'Supernova, what was that?' said Spectrum trying to stay upright while
junior officers sprawled about C'n'C like frogs on a hot plate.
'It appears that the enemy vessel has been destroyed, sir'
'But how, we were loosing?'
'I don't know but I'm reading a residual ionisation coming from the upper
ionosphere of the planet we're currently orbiting. It's possible the
wildebeest might have something to ?'
Supernova stopped in mid-speech not that anyone actually noticed as they
were all watching the large Millibar which had just appeared hovering above
the centre of C'n'C.
'Hello, Commander, you don't recognise me.'
'Hello, ? Drawl. Sorry about that but when I suddenly see an alien, twice
the normal size, floating above my command centre, my first thought isn't,
oh isn't it nice to see the friend of Ambassador Saywhen who I was only
briefly introduced to. By the way, how are you appearing twice your normal
size, hovering above my command centre?'
'It's this machine on Clyde, I'm hooked up to now, it's projecting the
hologram, it also helped me destroy that nasty alien vessel attacking you.'
'Thanks, Drawl, we owe you one. Would it be possible to come down and see
this machine, it sounds like we could learn a lot from it?'
'Your welcome Commander, and no I'm afraid your not ready for this yet, but
I will be standing by watching over you and the many adventures your going
to face, you and your successor.'
'My successor, I thought I had a five year contract?'
'Yes well, nothings written in stone. Saywhen and Muddle will be returning
to you shortly, the wildebeest is going to spend her few remaining days
helping me. Until next time Commander, good bye.'

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1] This wasn't actually true. The fact of Clyde's total lack of interest made
it interesting. However this then meant that it isn't uninteresting, thus
loosing it's interesting property. Hence it was uninteresting again and
therefore interesting etc. In the interests of any artificial intelligences
reading this document, who are incapable of resolving logic paradoxes, we
will in future refrain from using the adjective interesting or any of it's
derivatives when talking about Clyde and, shall henceforth refer to it as
unusually geologically quiet.
[2] That is they were average for a Millibar, he would make a most unusual
Barn.
[3] Soccer for those silly enough to call a game were they spend ninety five
percent of the time holding or throwing the ball, football.
[4] Or millibaroid, barnoid or even centroidoid depending on your race. He
couldn't be sure if it was vorkonoid as no-one seemed to know what a Vorkon
looked like.
[5] Pretty Dangerous Gun
[6] The Barn version of the magic flute wasn't generally popular with Centroid
audiences.
[7] Supernova got where she was by shouting a lot and intimidation while
Jammydodger had to rely on the kindness of his old friend Spectrum.
[8] Actually this goes for most Ladas on most morning but to avoid a law suit
from the 2 or 3 Lada owners whose cars actually do start on a normal morning
in under 10 minutes we supply the extra details.
[9] T. Prachett notices that since million to one chances happen all the time,
if the probablity of an event is exactly one million to one then that event
will happen. T. Prachett. Gards Gards !
[10] So the Shaddups return after 20,000 years
[11] But they usually start in secret
[12] They must really want what's on Clyde

-- 
David Petticrew                                   david@grelb.src.gla.ac.uk
My Home Page               http://www.elec.gla.ac.uk/~dpetti/
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