From: Siobhan Gormley Subject: Healing Souls (1/3) 4th and 5th season SPOILERS Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 10:34:33 This story is a continuation of my previous story "A Little Piece of My Soul", which I posted a few months back, but it could possibly stand on its own. This one, like the other, has *mucho* angst, so if you're not in to reading angst, you might as well go elsewhere. My thanks go out to my wonderful beta reader Kat. And don't worry, the next one's in the planning stages... DISTRIBUTION: The B5 Creative Archive and my own page. All others ASK FIRST. SPOILERS: The final four of season 4, and on in to season 5. DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but this angst-ridden story. JMS, WB, and TNT own the rest. Don't sue me 'cause I'm not making any money off of this, I'm just playing with my fav characters for a while and putting them back probably better than they've been in a while. Healing Souls (1/3) by Siobhan Gormley (aq806@freenet.carleton.ca) The darkness enveloped her as she walked forward, unsure where she was going, but not feeling in the least bit afraid. "So, you're back again, are you?" came a familiar British-accented voice from right behind her. "I wasn't sure, especially after last night..." Susan Ivanova spun around, barely concealing her annoyance. She didn't like being sneaked up on, and Marcus Cole was an expert at that, which bugged her even further. "Well, I figured that I had given you enough time to think things over," she replied, a grin on her face now. He knew what she wanted, but he had yet to agree. Another thing that irked her about him. He was just as stubborn as she was. Marcus walked away, towards a previously unseen sofa. He sat down, crossing his legs, before he replied. "Susan, if you can't figure it out for yourself, why should I tell you? I don't find any point..." "...to wasting your breath on trying to explain it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know the drill, but it's frustrating all the same," Susan finished, joining him on the couch. Marcus reached out to her, touching her left hand gently. She didn't shrink away, unlike previous times, and this brought a smile to his face. "Susan, I know, and I understand, truly I do. I just...I admit that I don't know everything about this, about why we're here, but what I do know, I can't explain in words. I wish you could accept what I say." Ivanova looked at him intently, almost a look of uncertainty and fear at his words. "And you should know that I don't like not knowing things. I'm always assuming that something bad is going to happen if I don't know what's going on everywhere. You know, 'BOOM!'" she replied, gesticulating with her arms to emphasize the last part of the statement. Marcus let out a chuckle. "That's my Susan, always the pessimistic Russian," he teased, his hand moving to caress her cheek. Susan found herself biting her lower lip in an attempt not to cry at the feeling of his touch. The last time he had touched her so had been before he had given up his lifeforce for her. She couldn't help but remember how mad she was with him for doing that, how much it made her feel like she had been an idiot not to have opened her heart to him when they had both been alive. She had cried so much after she had woken up that she had been sure she'd never have any tears left, but she had. Susan wiped away the few tears that had trickled down and tried to look away from Marcus, but he was having none of it. He turned her face to look at him, and the expression on his face made it evident that he was feeling her pain. This only made her feel worse. "Oh Susan, what have I done?" he wondered aloud as he carefully enveloped her in his arms. She leaned against him, feeling the comfort and warmth of his body flow in to her. She closed her eyes, enjoying the moment of closeness she knew wouldn't last long. Mere seconds after she had that thought, the sound of a chime from the comm system intruded on her dream. She slowly opened her eyes and found herself hugging one of the many pillows she had brought with her to Minbar. "Knew it was too good to be true," she said to no one in particular. The chime sounded again, causing Ivanova to groan. She felt as if she had gotten barely any sleep, but as she rolled over in the direction of the windows, she saw the sun shining hotly against the pulled-over curtains. "That's what you get for putting yourself through an emotional wringer," she pointed out to herself. Once again the chime rang out, almost insistent. Susan sighed and told the computer to take the call, but audio only. Last thing she needed was to give one of the Minbari religious caste a 'cheap thrill' of seeing her in her pajamas. "Captain Ivanova," Ranger Derann began, "I was wondering if you were still coming for our session?" Ivanova sighed again. She had forgotten about her workout with Derann. "Yes, I was intending too, but I must have forgotten to set the alarm. I'll be down in about half an hour." "That will be fine, Captain. I will see you then." The end of transmission chime sounded, spurring Ivanova to get out of bed and head for the shower. *** As Susan made her way to meet Derann, she thought back to their first meetings. He was one of the religious caste that had been assigned to be an aide of sorts while she was on Minbar. He had begun as simply a gopher, but he had soon discovered Ivanova's interest in the Dennbok, as well as other Minbari fighting techniques and weaponry. He was more than happy to show her, even though he continuously claimed he was no expert and that he could introduce her to someone more qualified than he. Ivanova was amused by his self-deprecation, but she soon saw that he was more than a match for her, and definitely a fine teacher. She had admittedly begun these workouts as a way to keep her mind off of what was truly bothering her, but soon enough she found them to be a release, a way to help her deal with her hurt and anger, without the worry of getting seriously injured. Also, Derann had begun to become a friend of sorts, even though he still insisted on referring to her by her 'title'. "Ah, Captain. You look ready for battle," he commented, bringing her out of her thoughts. Susan grinned. "Always, Derann. So, what are we up to today?" Derann gave her a quizzical look. "'Up to'?" Ivanova suppressed a chuckle. Chock up yet another Human expression that confused her Minbari aide. "Let me rephrase that. What are we doing today?" He nodded in comprehension. "We will be practicing one of the newer techniques. It has an interesting twist..." Ivanova held up her hand before he went to go into detail. "Sounds good. Let's get to it, shall we?" Derann nodded in reply, producing his Dennbok mere seconds after Susan had taken hers out. The Minbari and Human fought in what seemed to be slow motion, each one countering the others move carefully. They had both decided that their workout sessions would go better without discussion or talk of the moves. Ivanova had always found herself to be more of a visual type and Derann had been happy to comply with her wishes. As Susan began to pick up on the moves, the pace of their 'battle' picked up, until finally Derann disarmed her, holding his pike under her chin. She held up her arms in mock surrender. "Okay, you win," she stated, a grin making its way across her face. "You won that battle admirably, Derann," came an all-too-familiar voice from behind Ivanova. Derann lowered his pike and bowed respectfully at the speaker. "Thank you, Lennier. You honour me with your words." Susan turned to face the Minbari ambassador's aide, a slightly queasy feeling in her stomach. She wasn't sure if it was from lack of food or the fact that someone from the station was here. Or maybe a combination of both. "Hello, Lennier. How are things?" Lennier smiled, but Ivanova noticed that it did not reach all the way to his eyes. "'Things' are fine, Comm...Captain," he replied, correcting himself. "And you?" "As fine as they can be," she answered cryptically. There seemed to be a moment of awkward silence before anyone said anything else. Derann was the first to speak. "I think we can continue our workout at another time, Captain. Lennier," he said, giving a slight bow again before leaving the others alone. Once he had gone, Lennier motioned for Ivanova to take a seat, which she did. He sat next to her, carefully arranging his robes. "How long have you been here?" Susan asked, beginning her attempts at polite conversation. "I arrived a couple of days ago. There was much to take care of before I had the chance to come and see you." Ivanova nodded in understanding. "So, how long are you staying?" "Well, training is about..." "Whoa! 'Training'? I thought you were finished all you needed to train for." Ivanova looked a bit puzzled, and Lennier genuinely smiled this time at her confusion. "If you are referring to my accolyte training, you are correct. I finished that before I joined Ambassador Delenn on Babylon 5," he replied, and Susan noticed what looked like a shadow briefly cross his face at the mention of Delenn. She shook her head, clearing it of the image. She had to stop having those 'psychic moments', as she termed them. They seemed to be happening a lot more since she had left the station. Yet another one of those 'out of her control' things that irked her. She returned her attention to Lennier as he went to continue. "I have decided that my work is finished on the station itself, and that I will commence my Ranger training." His statement didn't entirely surprise Susan. She had a feeling that Lennier's reasons for becoming a Ranger had less to do with his work being finished on the station, and more to do with his discomfort at John and Delenn's union. Even though she had never said anything, she had always known that Lennier had harboured deep feelings for Delenn. It had always seemed so clearly written on his face whenever he looked at her. Susan just hoped that he didn't go to extremes, much like Marcus had for her. Marcus. [Damn,] she thought as she felt the pain well up again inside her. "Are you alright, Captain?" Lennier queried, concern evident on his features. She looked at him, attempting to look composed. "Sure. Just the same-old-same-old," she stated, giving him a knowing look. He simply nodded with understanding. [Scary thing is, he probably does understand,] she thought. "So, what was happening last time you were on the station. I haven't been paying much attention to the vids sent this way." "Not much change, I'm afraid. Various races looking to war with someone, the station council attempting to keep the peace..." "Same-old-same-old," they said in unison, a chuckle escaping from Ivanova. They sat in a companionable silence for a minute. "Was there...?" Susan began. "Nothing yet," Lennier quickly replied, seeming to know what she was about to ask. He noticed her disappointed look and attempted to cheer her. "But that does not mean that we should give up hope, although some may have." Again a shadow passed over his features. She was beginning to worry about him even more. Twice in one conversation did not bode well, at least not in her books. She found herself reaching out to him, surprising them both. "Lennier, don't give up hope yourself. Everything will work out for the best. It always seems to." He gave her a grateful smile. "I'm sure it will." End of part one -- So many things to do and always too little time! From: Siobhan Gormley Subject: Healing Souls (2/3) 4th and 5th season SPOILERS Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 10:34:46 DISTRIBUTION: The B5 Creative Archive and my own page. All others ASK FIRST. SPOILERS: The final four of season 4, and on in to season 5. DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but this angst-ridden story. JMS, WB, and TNT own the rest. Don't sue me 'cause I'm not making any money off of this, I'm just playing with my fav characters for a while and putting them back probably better than they've been in a while. Healing Souls (2/3) by Siobhan Gormley (aq806@freenet.carleton.ca) "So, back for more, are you?" Marcus teased. Susan shook her head. "Do I really have a choice?" He shrugged. "It's your dream, not mine." Susan felt a sly smile begin to work its way on to her face as she joined him on the now familiar sofa. "And how exactly would your dream go?" she taunted breathily, leaning towards him. He now had his own sly grin. "Oh, now that would be telling, wouldn't it." "Why is it that I feel like I already know," she replied, leaning back against the sofa now. "Well, this being your dream, and you conjuring up your version of me, I suppose that may explain it. Or maybe we have some sort of psychic connection and I'm feeding my thoughts to you in this dream state. Or..." he trailed off as she put her hand in front of his mouth. "Okay, I get the idea. It could be anything. I just wish I could shake this feeling that I know things that I wouldn't normally." "Could be your psi abilities coming through. But I'm just speculating," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "Yeah, yeah, Mr. Smartass, I've thought of that, but I've never had happen the kind of things that have been happening to me lately. My conversations with you that seem so real, like...like you're really here," she paused, regaining her composure. Marcus touched her gently, rubbing her shoulder in comfort. She smiled at his touch. It never failed to amuse her that she allowed him to touch her here when she rarely ever let him near her back when they were working together. "And talking with people, I seem to see their truer selves at times, without even trying. It's beginning to creep me out." Again he reached out in comfort as she tensed. Once she seemed relaxed, he replied. "I may be some mental conjuration, but please take my advice. I think you may want to talk with the telepaths on Minbar. They may be able to help." Susan scrunched her face. "I know, you don't like telepaths as a general rule, but these are not Humans, Susan. I'd have thought you realized by now that the Minbari are not an intrusive lot like us Humans. Sometimes they are almost reluctant to go in to an alien mind, even with permission. But I do believe that they could help, if you truly want it." Ivanova sighed. "I hate it when you're right," she said, looking mildly annoyed. "That's my Susan," he retorted. She swatted him in the arm and he faked being mortally injured by it, clutching his arm to him as he lay back on the sofa. "Oh, you have wounded me beyond repair. Whatever shall I do?" Ivanova felt a wicked smile appear on her face, and she crawled over him to be practically lying on top of him. Only her arms kept her above him. "I suppose I'll just have to give you a goodbye kiss then." She leaned her head down, touching his lips softly with her own. She felt a tingle run through her as she continued the gentle pressure on his lips. It was funny, she thought, she had never felt so...alive as she did right now. And she was just making out with a dream-Marcus. Imagine if it were the real one. At this last thought, she pulled away, eliciting a disappointed moan from him. He opened his previously closed eyes to see what was the matter. She had returned to sitting on the other side of him, no longer leaning over him. He sat up, worried at her pensive look. "Did I do something wrong? Call out someone else's name?" he quipped, attempting to lighten her mood. She gave him a half-smile. "I just realized that I'm fooling myself." "In what way?" "I've started thinking that you're real, that I'm really talking with you, touching you...but I'm not. It all *has* to be a dream. You're back on the station in a cryo-tube. And no one knows if they'll be able to bring you back. Lennier even said that most of them have given up hope." Susan attempted to hold back her tears, but at the look of compassion from Marcus, and then his touch on her face, the floodgates opened once again. He gently held her, rubbing her back and whispering comforting words. He laid soft kisses on top of her head, then moved down to her forehead, making his way down so that he could see her face fully again. The tears had slowed, but he kissed what was left of them away. Ivanova attempted a smile through her sniffles and tears. "I must look like hell now," she joked. She wiped away some of the remaining liquid in an attempt to look less bedraggled. Marcus brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "You still look like the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he replied softly. Susan felt her heart jump at the words, reminding her of their times on the White Stars. Marcus moved his hand behind her neck, pulling her towards him. She moved without resistance, and soon their lips met again, but this time with a hint of passion. Susan felt herself giving up control, something she hadn't done in *many* years. But she actually liked it, and that was because she willing giving it rather than feeling forced to. Even if it was just a dream. Marcus leaned her back, leaving him now on top. She almost protested as his lips left hers, but then held it back as she felt them touch her neck. She closed her eyes, drinking in the sensations as he continued to touch her body, with both his lips and hands. She never wanted it to stop... But the sound of a comm abruptly stopped it. Ivanova groaned in angry protest. "God, you don't even want me to get any in my dreams, do you?" she yelled, rolling over in bed. The comm beeped again and Susan glared at the unit. "Receive, audio only." "Captain Ivanova, I was wondering if you would like to workout with me this morning." It was Lennier. "Is Derann not around?" she queried, her curiousity piqued. "He is...busy today. If you would prefer..." "No, no, that's fine. Actually, it might be nice to workout with someone else. A new challenge." "Yes, I'm sure," he replied. Ivanova felt like she could feel a smile appear on his face. "I'll see you in the training room in a bit." "'In a bit', then," Lennier repeated. The comm beeped a last time as the connection was cut. Susan lay in bed a moment longer, tempted just to drift off again, hoping that she would return to where she left off. But, she wasn't that lucky since the light from outside began to stream through the window. She groaned, knowing that she would never get back to sleep now. "Why couldn't I have remembered to close the curtains?" she asked herself. "Or else maybe stayed in space? It was always nice and dark there." She sighed, resigned now to having to get up. "Of course, then I would be complaining about finding it hard to get up," she continued as she headed for the bathroom to try to make herself look viewable for the general population. *** The sounds of pikes clashing emanated from the Ranger training room. Captain Susan Ivanova and Ranger trainee Lennier were locked in what looked like fierce battle, but the spectators knew better. Ivanova tried not to be distracted by the other Rangers and 'civilian' Minbari watching their mock battle, but at times it was difficult, and she almost gave way to Lennier's seemingly superior fighting technique. But soon enough, they both became tired, and they decided to call it a draw. They bowed respectfully to each other, and then, with Lennier leading her, they both bowed again to the spectators, who were politely clapping. Most of the crowd dispersed, but a couple of Rangers came over to join the pair. Lennier gave a slight bow to the other Rangers, but they simply joined their hands in the Minbari triangular fashion without a noticeable bow. "You performed well, Lennier," one of the older Minbari stated. "Thank you, Sech Durhan," he said respectfully. Ivanova recognized the name immediately. This was the 'master' of the Minbari pike that Marcus had mentioned once. He was not an easy person to get along with, but he knew his stuff. Durhan turned his attention to her. "And you, Captain. For someone who has not trained with the Anla'shok, you show a great deal of skill with the Dennbok." Susan wasn't sure if she should take that as a compliment or an insult. She decided she'd assume it was the former, albeit in a roundabout way. "Thanks. I've had a good teacher," she stated, nodding at the silent Derann who had recently joined them. Durhan glanced at Derann. "Perhaps we should begin private lessons, if you are teaching others," Durhan commented. Derann looked down in a gesture of submission before speaking. "If you feel that is wise, Sech Durhan." "Yes, I think you would benefit from Durhan's lessons. You have achieved a great deal already in meditation that you could miss a few sessions," the other older Minbari stated. "Thank you, Sech Turval," Derann bowed, a grateful look on his face. Turval gave him a polite smile, something that surprised Ivanova. She had always thought that the instructors were real taskmasters, with rigid attitudes and features, but Turval did not seem to be that way at all. He actually reminded her of Delenn. "Have you ever considered joining the Anla'shok, Captain?" Turval asked, turning his attention to Susan. She found herself chuckling at his question, which brought about a perplexed look on the faces of all present. She then realized that he was serious. "Uh, well, actually no." "Any particular reason why? You've shown great promise in your fighting," Durhan questioned, seeming to stare right in to her. "I, uh, just never thought about it. I guess I never had a clear reason to join, so I don't think I would join without one. I don't think it's a good idea to do something for possibly the wrong reason." Turval and Durhan both nodded in satisfaction at her response. "A very good answer. If you ever do decide to join, I'm sure you'd make an excellent addition," Turval stated. Ivanova found herself flushing with pleasure at his compliment. "Well, I believe we need to take care of some matters yet with you, Derann, so we will take leave of you, Captain, Lennier," Turval said, giving a slight bow to them both. Durhan and Derann followed suit and Lennier and Susan each bowed in response. Once the others were gone, Ivanova looked at Lennier. He seemed pensive. "Penny for your thoughts?" Lennier looked at her, a curious smile on his face now. "Something you'd like to talk about?" Ivanova restated, making it clearer for her Minbari friend. He shook his head. "Not here. Perhaps we could go out to the agricultural lands. It should be still quite beautiful at this time of the year." "Sure. I'll just grab a few things and we'll be on our way," Ivanova agreed. Lennier nodded. "I will meet you at landing pad 7 in one half-hour." With that final statement, the two went their separate ways in order to prepare for their upcoming trip. End of part two -- So many things to do and always too little time! From: Siobhan Gormley Subject: Healing Souls (3/3) 4th and 5th season SPOILERS Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 10:35:03 DISTRIBUTION: The B5 Creative Archive and my own page. All others ASK FIRST. SPOILERS: The final four of season 4, and on in to season 5. DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but this angst-ridden story. JMS, WB, and TNT own the rest. Don't sue me 'cause I'm not making any money off of this, I'm just playing with my fav characters for a while and putting them back probably better than they've been in a while. Healing Souls (3/3) by Siobhan Gormley (aq806@freenet.carleton.ca) The shuttle floated over the rolling lands. Susan felt like she was back on Earth as she looked out the window, and this shot a pang of longing through her. She hadn't been home for so long, and now that things had been settled with Earth, she could have gone, but she hadn't. Now, looking at the land below, she had the sudden urge to go. But deep down she knew that would have to wait, she wasn't entirely ready to go back and face all that was there for her, especially not alone. Ivanova looked at her travelling companion. Lennier was pensive once again, but whenever he caught her looking, he would make as if he was fine, even providing a smile for her. "We're almost there, Captain. It shouldn't be more than a few minutes before we land." "Good," she replied, pausing briefly, "and Lennier?" He looked at her. "Would you mind calling me Susan? Others call me Captain, and, well, it just seems a little too formal for us. It's not like we're strangers, right?" "If that is what you wish," he replied. Ivanova rolled her eyes. "I want it to be something *you* wish to do also. There are so many people here that want to do what I wish, and I can't seem to convince them to do things for themselves." Lennier found himself smiling at her irritation. "Cap..Susan," he corrected himself, "the Minbari people can be...well, at times we do wish to make others more comfortable than ourselves. But of course, that depends on which caste you are dealing with. The Warrior caste may be less inclined than the Worker caste, for instance." "Yeah, I noticed that. Durhan was the first Warrior caste member that I had any sort of conversation with. It was as if the others were purposefully avoiding me. And Derann never really explained why." "Warrior caste members are suspicious by nature, and most of all of 'outsiders'. Now that Sech Durhan has met with you, perhaps you may see a lessening in their...hostility," Lennier replied, seeming to search for the appropriate word near the end. He then turned his attention back to the lay of the land, getting ready for landing. Once they had landed, they walked in silence as Lennier guided Susan to the spot he was thinking of. Susan looked at her surroundings as she went, marvelling at the variety and beauty of all that was around. It amazed her that this area looked as if it had never changed in thousands of years. Perhaps the civil war had not touched this region. Ivanova thought to ask Lennier about this, but somehow she had a feeling that he, like others she had talked to, would be uncomfortable speaking of 'internal matters', so she decided to hold off asking. "Here we are," Lennier stated, pointing to a beautiful crystalline canyon formation. Susan barely hid her awe at the beauty before her. At one end, there was a huge waterfall, that, when it hit the crystal formations, produced musical notes. Put together, they created a unique tune that seemed to soothe the soul. The water pooled into a lake, which was surrounded by seemingly well-kept grass and flowers. "Wow," she said, finding little else to express how she felt. Susan looked at Lennier, who was smiling peacefully, and soon found herself doing the same. The feeling of peace began to spread through her as Lennier led her closer to the lake, which they sat beside. After a few more moments of silence, Susan finally found her voice again. "What is this place?" "It is known as a place of healing, either physical or mental. It is mainly used by the Religious caste as a retreat area, as you can see by the caves," he stated, pointing to the outcroppings along the canyon wall. "We do sometimes bring others here, when in need of healing..." he trailed off, noticing that Ivanova was now realizing one of his reasons for bringing her here. "Thank you, Lennier," she stated simply, giving him a grateful smile. "But I have a feeling this wasn't meant solely for me." He looked down before replying. "Yes, well, after hearing your explanation for why you had never considered joining the Rangers, it gave me pause to think about my reasons. But I found that with so many others around, I could not think clearly. I had always known this place to be one that allowed me to think properly, away from others. And I knew I could trust you to keep this location to yourself, as well as knowing you needed some help in healing your soul." He finally looked up at her as he finished speaking, gauging her reaction to what he had said. Lennier was happy to see that she was still smiling, but she was also a touch concerned. It lightened his heart a bit that she was even concerned enough to stay by him and listen. This was not the old Susan Ivanova. The old one would have been immensely uncomfortable about having a conversation of a private nature, but this new one seemed more at ease. Admittedly, she had been through a lot, but obviously no one had realized how much it had affected her. Maybe it *was* a good thing that Delenn had sent her to Minbar. Delenn. His reason for being back here. It hurt him beyond measure... Lennier's thoughts trailed off as he felt a presence in his mind. Not obviously intrusive, but curious. He looked around, then back at Ivanova. She seemed to have a far away look in her eyes, as if she wasn't in her own mind. "Susan?" Lennier prodded, bringing her out of wherever she had been. "I'm sorry, did you ask me something?" "Susan, do you have something on your mind? Something that is burdening you, beyond what happened with Marcus?" "Nothing that I can't take care of myself," she replied, seeming to close herself off from him. It was now Lennier's turn to look concerned, which Susan immediately picked up on. "Don't worry, everything will take care of itself in its own time. Trust me." She gave him a smile of reassurance, and Lennier just had to accept it, for now. He didn't want to alienate her, especially when she seemed to be opening up a bit more. She needed to let go of her pain, and he felt that bringing her here could be a beginning. She still had a long road to go before her soul was entirely healed. As did he. The End -- So many things to do and always too little time!