From: DrkSkyz@aol.com Subject: Story Submission Date: Sun, 30 Aug 1998 22:42:11 EDT I have attached my submission, "Just This Side of Oblivion" as a file in .txt format. Please let me know if there is any problem with the format. Thanks! Amy M. Green I hope you all enjoy this "what if" scenario. Comments? Please send them to DrkSkyz@aol.com. This story contains spoilers for the end of season 4. Disclaimer: All characters and the Babylon 5 universe at large are the property of JMS, the TNT network, Warner Brothers and probably a whole host of others I haven't mentioned. I am not intending any copyright infringement... I'm just having a little fun. Just This Side of Oblivion by Amy M. Green The journey back to life was harsh. He was not making his arrival on the soft flutter of butterfly wings but rather with the scream of a thousand Starfuries. His nerves were on fire, buckling beneath the strain of his returning life-force. As much as he had been willing to die for her, to sacrifice all that he would ever be without a hint of regret, he was now channeling every ounce of his will to come back from the brink. The sound of his voice on her lips, her sob strained voice pleading for him to return compelled him to fight for his survival. He strained against the throes of death, clawing his way back into his body. It seemed as though ages had passed since Doctor Franklin had torn the machine off the two of them, but his body had been almost irreparably weakened in the process. He was acutely aware of the maze of medical equipment hooked up to his body, regulating his breathing, brain activity, metabolic function. Marcus found it strange that there was no pain, only a slight discomfort from all the tubes running into him and a mind-numbing exhaustion clouding his ability to think clearly. He heard her cry out his name again through the haze, more desperate this time. The shrillness and urgency of her voice emblazoned itself on his memory. "I'm trying, Susan," he thought as he became more aware, more grounded. Concern for her burned in his veins as he sought to make his mind and body cooperate with one another. Slowly he became aware that all around him was chaos. He forced his eyes open so he could put images to the cacophony of motion and hurried voices around him. Doctor Franklin was bent over him, concern and shock carved on his face. "Marcus, can you hear me?" the doctor queried. Marcus ignored the question completely, using all of his strength to turn in the direction of Susan's voice. All else was of little consequence, including his friend's concern. As he forced his body upright, Stephen moved out of his way, deciding better than to try and force the Ranger to remain still. Susan Ivanova was sitting bolt upright in the bed next to his, her face a stark contrast of dark rimmed eyes and ghostly pale skin. There were several nurses gathered around her in a desperate attempt to calm her down, but to no avail. She was frantically muttering for help, incoherent and seemingly unaware that he was still alive. By the time he had made it back to Babylon 5 to save her life, she had already been all but gone. The first image to meet her eyes as consciousness returned to her was Marcus Cole's still body crumpled protectively over her own. Through the haze, she tried to comprehend what happened. It was then that she had noticed the machine to which they were both connected. A desperate battle was waged as Susan tried to force her battered body to move, to disconnect them from the device. Before she finally blacked about again, unable to tear the wiring apart, she was left with one horrifying thought. Somehow, Marcus had found a way to save her life at the expense of his own, leaving her truly alone again. Her soul wept as the darkness consumed her. When she revived again in Medlab, the panic had possessed her as she cried for help. The nurses trying to pacify her only served to enrage her further as she tried to make them understand what had happened. To make them understand that Marcus was dead. "Susan." There almost hadn't been enough strength in him to force the word past his lips. Almost lost within the bedlam around them, his voice snapped Susan from her delirium. As if in a trance she traced the faint sound slowly, craning her head to look directly at him. For a moment, life and death were utterly irrelevant as her eyes locked onto his. Why? The question lingered heavily between them, potent in its silence as a single tear traced a path down Susan's face. The memory of the last few moments of her life crystallized as she held his gaze. As her weary body and spirit began tearing free of their mortal binds and into the startling peace of death she had heard his final words to her, "I love you." Susan had first interpreted the voice as that of the biblical God welcoming her home. Now she knew that it had been Marcus confessing his feelings for her on the strength of his final breaths. In no where near the mental state to deal with that revelation she shoved the memory aside and settle back onto the bed. Looking over at Marcus one final time, to confirm that he was alive and not a grief-born delusion she relaxed into the softness of the blankets and surrendered to sleep. ****** "Susan. Are you awake?" "What," the commander muttered irritably at being roused from her dreamless slumber. As she opened her eyes to the sight of Medlab and Doctor Franklin, she turned in concern towards Marcus's bed as the memories returned. To her horror, the bed was now devoid of the Ranger. Confused and terrified that he had died after all, she looked expectantly at Stephen. "It's okay Susan. Marcus is fine," the doctor said soothingly before she had a chance to speak. He took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It had been a hell of a night and the strain and weariness was grabbing hold of his mind and body. "I let him out of here a couple of hours ago. Believe me, I tried to tell him it was bad idea but he was quite apprehensive about staying here. I decided it would do more harm than good to fight him, so I walked him back to his quarters myself." "A couple of hours ago," Susan repeated back. "How long have I been out?" "Just about eighteen hours. Your system had taken quite a beating." Quite a beating. That had to be the understatement of the year. Nothing that had happened within the last week made any sense, from her mortal injury to her rebirth. Bowing to the enormous weight bestowed upon her shoulders by the universe at large, the tears welled in her eyes and she wept. Stephen watched Susan fall apart with a slight hint of suprise. He had expected she would need time to cope with the myriad of images at play in her mind but the last thing he thought he'd witness was the commander falling apart in front of him. He shifted his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other, debating whether to leave or to try and offer some words of comfort. "I am sorry all this has happened to you, Susan." The words seemed woefully inadequate. Susan studied Stephen before replying, the tears streaming unbidden down her face. More than she needed privacy, more than she hated to show weakness, she needed someone to listen. To help her understand. "Why couldn't he have just let me die?" Why indeed. Stephen exhaled audibly and moved to sit beside the bed. It took him several moments to compose his thoughts. "Marcus would never have been able to forgive himself if he hadn't tried to save you. There's already an ocean's worth of guilt inside of him. I'm not sure he could have carried any more. But I don't think that's completely the reason. More importantly than that, he loved you too much to let you go. Come on, Susan. Can you really tell me you didn't know how he felt?" he replied to the look of disbelief on her face. "You may not have wanted to admit it necessarily but down inside you've known for some time." "Maybe," Susan conceded softly. " But dammit, that just doesn't seem good enough Stephen, 'Marcus loved me to much to let me die'!. I keep wondering if I deserve to be alive. I mean, now many corpses have you tagged in these last few years. Hundreds? Thousands? I see in my mind all the dead, all those who fought against the Shadows and then against President Clark and I doubt myself." Fleeting images of friends and comrades who had fallen in battle crossed her mind and the guilt burned her insides. "Why me? Why me," she let the thought trail off as another occurred to her. "Oh God, how can I ever face him again? There's nothing I can say, nothing I can do that will even begin to repay him." "First off, you need to let the guilt go," Stephen replied. "Maybe it's not for you and me to rationalize why you've survived and others haven't. I can't think of a more nobler sacrifice than one made out of love for another person. I can understand why that might be a little humbling, but don't ever question the value of your life. Second, I don't think Marcus wants to be "repaid". It was a selfless act. "I think what you really need to decide now is how you feel about Marcus. He's made his feelings more than obvious. He's a good man, Susan. You could do a lot worse. Take some time alone and really think about that. The two of you have been friends for some time and you've grown to trust and respect him. But whatever you decide, don't confuse gratitude with love- Marcus deserves a lot better than that." Susan nodded silently in agreement and gently squeezed the doctor's hand. "Thank you for your advice. Who knew you were so wise?" A hint of a smile crossed between them. "So, when are you going to let me out of here? You're right: I've got a lot of thinking to do. I'd really prefer to do that somewhere less...sterile." Her emotions were still in turmoil but Stephen had at least given her some comfort and a starting point. "Are you sure you feel strong enough to make it back to your quarters?" "Yes." "All right then, I'll release you. But I'm walking you there myself, no arguments." ******* The shrill bleat of the door chime startled Susan from her light slumber. She hadn't even had the energy to make it to her bedroom. Instead she had dozed off curled up in a ball at one end of her couch. Sleep had been a welcome relief from the nightmarish memory playing nonstop in her mind. Susan glanced apprehensively at the door. She knew instinctively that it was Marcus. Eerily, she could almost sense his heartbeat pulsing just beyond her quarters. Reluctant at seeing him in the flesh, she made her way across the room and opened the door just as the chime sounded a second time. Marcus Cole stood propped against the doorway as though he did not yet have the strength to stand for long on his own. "I was beginning to think you weren't going to answer. May we talk, please?" The hesitation in Susan's eyes was apparent and she made no move to allow him in. "I've spent the last several hours debating whether or not I should come here so soon after...," he let the final words trail off awkwardly. For the first time that she could remember, Marcus wasn't wearing his normal Ranger uniform. He was dressed simply in a white t shirt and black sweat pants, clothing that seemed grossly out of place against his classic, angular features. The boyish sparkle that usually alighted his face was gone. Every ounce of grief, loss and pain he ever suffered stared out at her wearily from his green eyes. Susan bit down the sudden urge to take him in her arms. Instead she moved out of the doorway to allow him inside. He immediately headed to the couch in the living area and sat down. Following his lead, the Commander took a seat on the opposite end and looked at him expectantly. She assumed he would start up the conversation right away. His apparent loss for words surprised her. The Ranger could sense her intense gaze boring into him. He was starting to question whether the visit had been such a good idea after all. She knew everything now, he had no more secrets left. In addition, his seemingly reckless actions had surprised everyone who knew him. He had so far been successful in eluding Delenn and Sheridan knowing they would both have choice words over his decision to abandon the fleet in the heat of battle. Regardless of the consequences, seeing her alive again, whole and free of pain only served to confirm that he had made the right decision. "I thought I knew what I wanted to say to you," he finally began. "I actually rehearsed an entire speech on my way over here. Now I can't remember a damn word. All I can say is that I'm not sorry for what I did back there". "I think that's part of the problem," Susan countered. "Part of the problem," Marcus repeated. "What would be the other part, then?" "Oh gee, I don't know Marcus. The 'I love you' part, maybe!" The words were bitter and Susan felt anger begin to build in her chest. Marcus was so stunned he forgot to breath for several moments. He assumed that his actions alone had betrayed his feelings for her. He didn't realize that she had heard him. Susan continued to stare at him, awaiting a response. When none appeared to be forthcoming, she plowed ahead with the question she had wanted to ask him since he walked in the door. "Did you mean it?" she demanded, the tone almost accusatory. "Yes." There seemed little sense in denying it now. It felt good to have her know the truth at last. He took his confession a step further. "I've loved you for some time. I always told myself the time would come for me to tell you. I wanted you to get to know me first, to trust me." He shook his head bitterly, his long dark hair falling forward to shade his face. "When I thought I would lose you forever a part of me went numb. The other part went insane. I know you're angry with me for what I was willing to do but you have to understand: I couldn't lose you too." Susan didn't respond at all. She couldn't find the right words to say. A part of her was elated at his words, another part terrified. She rubbed her temple wearily to counter the dull ache throbbing in her head. It was all so much to deal with. The awkward silence weighed heavily on the two of them. A few more moments passed before Susan got up from the couch and began to pace the room. She wished Marcus had given her more time to be by herself. She was also irritated that he didn't seem bothered that the two of them were now station-wide celebrities. News of what had occurred had spread throughout the station in a matter of hours despite Doctor Franklin's best attempts to keep the incident quiet. The war weary inhabitants of the station clung in desperation to the events that had played out like legend. When she demanded to be released from Medlab hours earlier, it had taken an armed escort to navigate her through the mass of people still crowding the hallway. Susan resented that the most intimate moments she had ever known, both the experience of her body dying and then Marcus's desperate measures to save her had now become almost mythical within the span of a few days. Marcus thought the silence would suffocate the both of them. Any chance of a beginning with Susan would live or die before the night ended. Clearing his throat slightly, he took a deep breath and spoke. "Susan, you know now how I feel about you." The words sounded strange as they left his lips. "I've faced death so many times, thrown myself into the thick of battle more often than I care to remember. And yet I never found the courage to tell you I loved you." "That's just it! You never told me, Marcus." Susan could feel her face begin to flush in anger and she lashed out at the Ranger with all of the emotion trapped inside her chest. "Not directly. For all the time I've known you, you've either danced around a deeper involvement with your bizarre sense of humor or voiced your deeper feelings in a language you knew I wouldn't understand! I deserved to know, whether you thought I was ready to or not! That part should have been my decision!" Her pacing quickened as she passed time and again in front of him, her agitation rising. Marcus sat silently, his head slightly bowed but his eyes following every movement she made. She looked like a cornered animal and he wasn't sure whether she would burst into tears or claw him to pieces. "You want to know what I really think? I think there's a part of you that wanted to die strapped to that goddamned machine. Without ever having to confront your feelings, never having to try and love me. So damn you for what you've done!" Tears of rage poured hot down her cheeks. She had become completely unglued. All the rage, the humility at the magnitude of his would-be sacrifice, his deathbed confession that he loved her, all the emotion was breaking over her in waves. Of all the tragedy she had endured, the intensity of this moment was unrivaled. Susan sensed Marcus shifting uncomfortably at her words and seized on it. Turning slowly to face him once more, she was rewarded by Marcus immediately staring at the floor after her eyes met his. "You know I'm right. I can see it in your eyes." She moved to stand a few inches away from the tall Ranger, willing his gaze to hers. "Why don't you just admit it?" She punctuated her words by pointing her finger at his chest. "My fucking hero." At her words, Marcus's tenuous grip on the situation was completely broken. With one quick motion he stood, grabbed Susan's hand and pulled her body tight to his. "I think," he hissed softly. "That I have had about enough of this tirade Susan." He had known this confrontation was coming, but had underestimated the intensity the moment would bring. To a large extent, Susan was right. He had grown accustomed to solitude since his brother's death at the hands of the Shadows. As if the loss of his last surviving familial tie had not been traumatic enough, the Arisia colony and his career had been wiped out in an instant. His subsequent training as a Ranger had at least given him a purpose, a cause bigger than himself and a chance to keep the memory of William burning but he still hesitated to form any personal relationships. Although he often joked and shared in conversation throughout his time on Minbar and subsequently on Babylon 5, he always kept his emotional distance. It was simpler that way. No more ties, no more bonds, no more anguish. "Let go." The words were barely a whisper. Broken from his reverie, he loosened his grip on her, surprised at his action. Humiliated by his momentary loss of control he turned his back to Susan and strode to the opposite end of the room. Broken by the emotional exhaustion he sat down numbly on the couch and dropped his face into his hands. Marcus had believed that his heart could not have borne the grief of her dying but it seemed equally as wrenching to think that they would both survive, yet end up apart after all. "Love shouldn't be this hard, Marcus." The rage had subsided leaving only the revelation that maybe they weren't so different after all. If they could only let down their guards, Susan was beginning to wonder if they could really be soulmates after all. He couldn't bring himself to look at her staring instead at the floor until his vision blurred. "I know." Susan studied Marcus intently as she tried to sort though the tumult in her heart. What had hurt the most, what she hated to admit was that somewhere along the way Marcus had won her over. She suspected that it would not have taken much for her to begin to love him. As much as she craved a soulmate, one who would defend and stand by her, so too was she terrified of letting anyone that close to her. The tough-as-nails, no- nonsense Susan Ivanova that she projected to all those around her was but a shell protecting the broken heart beneath. She had lost so much and so many she sometimes found it simpler to pretend to not care, to pretend that she was content being alone. As she studied the Ranger's profile, she knew she wasn't willing to hide behind the fear any longer. She wanted to try and build a relationship with Marcus. "Then let's do something about it. I mean, I think I might be willing to try." There was no turning back now, no more running away. "What are you saying, Susan? Please, tell me," he pleaded. Marcus desperately needed some sign that despite all they had endured, there was still a chance for them to be happy. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Marcus Cole." The words sounded alien as they left her lips, it had been such a painfully long time since she had felt this way. In her heart, Susan knew that with Marcus, things would never fall apart the way they had in every other relationship she had been in. He would never betray her, lie to her, deceive her. He simply wanted her to share her life with him. She wondered for a moment if that was the underlying reason why she had been so cold to his advances. "You have no idea what it means to hear you say that to me," he replied huskily. "I only wish we could have both looked past our fears and reached this moment a little sooner." Susan nodded in agreement. They had let so much time slip past them. "I know, but at least we made it to this moment." "Then we'll have to start making up for lost time." He paused to gather his thoughts. "You'll never regret loving me." "I know." A comfortable silence passed between them as they studied one another in a new light. Always before, there had been so much pretense between them. All that remained now as they stood on the cusp of becoming lovers was the power of the bond connecting them. Susan was the first to speak again. "So, are you going to kiss me or what? After all, you're never going to be able to shake that unicorn of yours if you don't even try for first base." She arched an eyebrow at him and waited expectantly for his reply. He was so obviously nervous that Susan had to bite her lip to keep from breaking into gales of laughter. The Ranger reached out a hand that slightly trembled as his traced his fingers down the side of her face. "You are so beautiful, Susan" he said in a hushed voice. Susan blushed at the sincerity carried within those words. "You don't have to do that, you know," she replied. "Do what?" He grinned mischievously at her discomfort as he leaned his face closer to hers. "Throw compliments out like that all the time. This chivalrous, Arthurian streak of yours can get, well, embarrassing!" She returned his smile. "Really? Here I thought you liked it!" A dazzling grin lit up his face. Marcus scrunched up his face in mock concentration. "Aha! I've got it. How about if I promise to only compliment you on say, Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays?" In the back of his mind he knew full well he intended to indulge her at every possible opportunity. "So, do we have a deal then?" he finished softly, desire welling up to fill the depths of his spirit, rapidly replacing any other thought. "It's a deal." Susan closed the distance remaining between them hungrily to finally feel his lips against hers. As their bodies met in passion, Susan was momentarily astonished to discover that her heart immediately sped up ever so slightly to match perfect time with his. End.