From: Siobhan Gormley Subject: "A Little Pieced of My Soul" (G) by Siobhan Gormley Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 18:27:13 The idea for this story came to me after originally seeing the final four eps of season 4 oh so many months ago, and I've only now taken the time to write it up. From what I've decided to do, it may be considered slightly alternate universe. I hope this to be the first in a series of short pieces, but it may take me a while to write the others up. A Little Piece of My Soul (G) by Siobhan Gormley (siobhan@nbnet.nb.ca) SPOILERS: Final four eps of season 4 DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, JMS has created them all and I'm just playing with them for a little while. I promise to return them in relatively good shape, so please don't sue me. Susan Ivanova sat in her quarters, staring at the latest bottle of vodka she had consumed. She was past remembering, or caring, how many litres she had downed in the past week or so since his death. Well, if you could call it 'death'. Some of the others had thought of it as if he was still alive in some way, while others talked about him in the past tense. Susan had tried to think positively for a while, that he was in cryo and that Stephen would find a way to bring him back. But that hadn't lasted long. She no longer thought there was any hope. She no longer felt that he would just wake up and make some silly joke about everyone making long faces for nothing. Hell, she no longer felt much of anything. She had begun to numb herself, separate herself emotionally from the rest of the people on Babylon 5. She didn't want their pity, or their sympathetic looks. She just wanted the awful feeling in her gut to go away. In a way, she wished she was dead also, then she definitely wouldn't have to feel anymore. The chime from the Babcom sounded, and Ivanova looked at the screen across the room. She sighed, not really in the mood to talk with anyone right now, but as the chime continued to sound insistently, she decided she might as well take it, if only to get rid of whomever it was. "Initiate Babcom, audio only," she stressed. No point in letting whomever it was see the state of her and her quarters. It would only give them all another reason to look piteously upon her. "Commander Ivanova," Delenn's all too familiar voice rang out from the speakers, "I was hoping I could speak with you." Susan let out a sigh. She liked Delenn and she enjoyed talking with her whenever they had the chance, but right now she didn't want to be around anyone, especially not someone who knew all she did about her current...situation, for lack of a better word. "Ambassador, I'm really not in the mood..." "I think what I have to say will interest you," Delenn cut in, acting as if Susan had said nothing. Ivanova let out another sigh. As much as Delenn knew her, she knew Delenn, and she knew for certain that once this particular Minbari decided on something, she held on for dear life until her goal was achieved. "Alright, I'll meet you in the Zocalo in half an hour." "I will see you there, Commander." The chime sounded once again, indicating the end of the conversation. Susan pulled herself off her seat, heading to the shower so as to make herself more presentable for the population at large. **** Delenn had tried not to pace as she waited for Ivanova to show up, but after a few minutes she couldn't help but have to move around. It seemed almost funny to her that she was pacing, she certainly had never felt the need before when she was solely Minbari. Perhaps this was one of the 'side-effects' of becoming half-human. "Okay, I'm here," Susan stated simply, coming up behind Delenn. Delenn looked at the her friend, a feeling of pain washing over her as she observed how worn out Ivanova appeared, despite her attempts to hide it. It was all too obvious by the bags under her eyes and the extreme weight loss that the normally robust woman had been getting little sleep and even less food. It made Delenn feel even more determined to convince Ivanova to go along with her offer. "Let us sit down," Delenn replied, indicating with her hand that Susan should precede her. Once they were both seated, even though Ivanova went to object, Delenn ordered food for them both, and then continued speaking. "I know that since the d...since Marcus' passing," she amended, "that you have been keeping to yourself. And I know also that John has offered you the command of Babylon 5, but that you had chosen instead to take on the command of a ship." Ivanova said nothing, just allowed Delenn to talk. She had a feeling she knew where this was going, but she wanted to be sure before she interrupted. "I had noticed, when we returned, that you were hurting emotionally, but I haven't said anything until now because I thought you would pull yourself out of your pain. But I fear that you have been...how would you put it? Oh yes, you have been 'wallowing in it'." Susan now began to feel a little irked. This was beginning to feel like one of those interventions. "Delenn, I understand that you feel the need to intervene..." Susan was cut off by a wave of Delenn's hand. "I do not 'feel the need', as you put it. I *know* I must. You are allowing yourself to slowly fall in to a pit of emotional pain and despair, and you are hiding not only in your quarters, but within a bottle of alcohol, and I'm sure soon enough, behind your duty as the captain of a ship. I can not stand by and watch you do this to yourself." "Then what do you want me to do? Sit around and cry all the time, until I feel that I can't cry anymore, but somehow I find more tears to push out?" Ivanova questioned angrily, her voice raising in volume. A few people looked their way, but quickly looked away when Susan glared at them. "If this was what you thought would interest me, then think again," Ivanova finished curtly and rose out of her chair, ready to leave. Delenn, instead of reacting with equal anger, reached out her hand and took a hold of Susan's arm in gentle firmness. "No, that is not all that I have to say." Susan decided to wait to see what else Delenn could possibly say. She sat back down and Delenn let go of her arm. "You have been through a great deal over the past four years, a lot more than most beings have to deal with in a whole lifetime. You have dealt with it well enough, considering how much time you've been given to deal with it, but I believe that you have buried most of your feelings deeply, and they are finally coming to the surface. But, you are still trying to bury your feelings, whether it be with a bottle or with work, and I see that you have been losing that battle." She paused, taking a breath, then continued. "What I wanted to offer you is a chance to come to terms with all those feelings you have buried for so long. To cleanse your soul, so to speak." Ivanova now looked cautiously curious. "And how would I go about this?" "You would go to Minbar and take some time, now that you have the chance, to meditate." Susan tried not to laugh, but she couldn't stop it from happening. "I do not see what is so funny," Delenn commented, calmly perplexed as Susan always knew her to be when it came to human reactions to situations. "I..Well, just the idea of *me* meditating..." Delenn finally understood, a small smile appearing on her face. "Yes, I suppose it does seem like an odd thought. But you would not be meditating in the traditional sense, unless you so wished. I simply meant that you could go to Minbar and be allowed to truly think things through, before you made any final decisions. You would be attended to by my fellow Religious Caste members and left to do what you wished." "So, that's it?" "Yes, that is it." "Do you mind if I think about it for a while?" "Of course, take all the time you need," Delenn replied, getting up from the table. She left Susan sitting there, mulling over her offer. **** Susan wandered in to the quiet medlab, heading in the direction of the cryo area. No one stopped her, knowing that this was now a ritual of hers, whether drunk or sober. She had originally started coming to see that he truly was in there, and eventually it had become so that when she needed to talk about something, she would discuss it with him. It was kind of funny, considering if he were still up and around he most likely would have been the last person she would have talked to about anything personal. But she had been doing that a lot in the last couple of weeks. She found his compartment easily, since she had been there a few times already since his...'passing', as Delenn had put it. She reached out her hand, touching the compartment door gently, feeling tears prickling her eyes. She wiped angrily with her other hand at the offending liquid. She let out a sigh, letting her thoughts flow easily through her mind. Then she began to speak. "Delenn has offered to let me go to Minbar. I know, I've already told Sheridan that I'd take the captaincy on the ship, but she's given me something to think about." She paused, collecting her thoughts again. "She told me that I've been burying my feelings, that it's not going to get any better if I keep trying to do that. She says it'll be good for my soul if I deal with all that's happened to me. Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm very good at hiding my feelings," she paused again, feeling like she could hear a familiar voice telling her that that wasn't news. She chuckled to herself, shaking her head. "Why is it that I feel like I've got a piece of you inside me, a piece of your soul? What happened when you made that incredibly noble and immensely *stupid* sacrifice?" The voice seemed to say to her 'What do *you* think?' "Oh, I think I've gotten delusional over the past week, hearing voices. No, hearing *your* voice. I've fought to push down the reality of your death, and maybe this is just another way of me avoiding it." She sighed, pulling her hand away from the cryo door. Like every time before, she felt as if she were cutting herself off from him, not just physically, but psychically. "I think it's time I made a decision," she stated, moving away from the cryo area and back towards her quarters to get some sleep in hopes that it would clear her mind and help her come to a decision. **** Delenn reacted to the sound of the door chime. She knew that she was not expecting anyone to visit, and John very rarely, if ever, bothered with the chime these days since their marriage. "Yes?" "It's Susan," Ivanova's voice came over the comm system. Delenn was pleasantly surprised to hear her voice. She hadn't heard from her for a few days since they had last talked about her offer. "Come in." The door wheeled open and Susan stepped in to Delenn's quarters. Delenn was happy to see that Ivanova looked more rested, but still on the slim side. Delenn invited Susan to sit, which she did. Once Delenn was seated, Susan spoke. "I've thought over your offer. I wasn't sure whether I should take it or not, since I had already accepted John's offer. But, as I've thought about it, thought about what you said to me, about hiding my feelings, hiding behind duty, I..I've begun to realize that you may have some things right." She sighed. "I'm not the type to easily admit when I have a problem or when something is wrong. I suppose I just didn't want to show weakness, which I suppose, in itself is a weakness." She looked at Delenn who gave her a friendly smile, but said nothing. She wanted to allow Susan to say what she needed without interruption. "I'm going to take you up on your offer. I don't know how long I'll stay, I don't want to lose the chance either of commanding a ship, but I think I do need the time to straighten things out in my head before I try to keep things straight on a ship." They both grinned, knowing just how well she could 'keep things straight'. "I am glad you have decided to do this. When will you be leaving?" "On the first transport I can get to Minbar." "You are wasting no time," Delenn observed. "I've already wasted a lot of time," Susan stated. They sat in silence for a moment before either spoke or moved. Susan was the first to get up, Delenn following her as she walked to the door. "I better get back to my quarters and finish packing. There's supposed to be a transport to Minbar tomorrow morning." "I will inform the necessary people that you are coming." Susan smiled her thanks, then went through the now open door. Once the door closed, Delenn let out a happy sigh. She was quite contented that her friend had come to this decision. She truly did hope that going to Minbar would bring Susan the internal peace she so desperately needed. **** The next morning, Susan Ivanova walked up to the exit to be greeted with the sight of her friends waiting for her. She hated goodbyes and she had hoped to slip out, having left them all messages that they would get once the transport was gone. She spoke briefly with each person, received the odd hug, surprising her. Finally she came to Delenn. "So I guess I have you to thank for telling them I was going?" she asked saracastically. Delenn smiled. "Yes, I felt that they deserved to know since you neglected to inform them." "Oh, they were going to be informed..." "Let me guess, by a Babcom message the next day?" "Not *exactly*," Susan replied, smirking. "Thanks anyway." "You're welcome. Have a safe journey, and may you find what you need on Minbar." Susan smiled her thanks this time, then turned to leave, but Delenn stopped her with a hand on her arm. Ivanova looked back at her. "I almost forgot. Take this with you." Delenn placed a roundish object in her hand, and Susan was surprised to see it was a Ranger pin, the Izil'zha stone shining in the artificial light. "Delenn, what...?" she asked, unsure what to say. "I think he would have wanted you to have it, if only to hold on to until there is need of it again," Delenn answered cryptically. It finally dawned on Ivanova whose pin it was. Ivanova went to give it back to Delenn, but Delenn shook her head. "I can't take this..." "Yes, you can, and you must. I will not take it back. You both have a bond that will survive long after death, and it is only right that you should have his Ranger pin." Ivanova didn't know what to say. She looked away briefly as the captain of the ship called to her to come on board, then she looked back, but Delenn was gone, walking away with everyone else. Susan looked at the pin once again, a thought nagging at her, something about the stone 'crying' when the wearer died. Yet the stone was intact, not a single crack marred its surface. A hopeful thought crossed her mind as she looked back up, but they were all gone now. Could it be, could he really be alive, somehow? The captain interrrupted her thoughts, calling her name. Susan slipped the pin in to her pocket, turning to head inside the transport. Thoughts raced through her mind as she entered, taking her seat. Once they were departing, she gazed out at the stars, then took out the pin. She looked over the pin, making sure that it was indeed intact and that the colour of the stone was that which she remembered from the ones she had seen. It truly was unaltered, a beautiful gem that, for the first time in a long while, gave her a small piece of hope, held a little piece of her soul. She felt the tears come, but this time she didn't fight them. She had lost so much hope over the last four years, so much of herself, and now she was being given the chance to regain it. And it felt great. THE END (kind of =) -- Siobhan (pixie73@geocities.com): Proud Member of Buffy, Eh?, Buffyatric, GASPer, Keeper of Giles' sense of style (or lack thereof) Siobhan's Virtual Home: http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~aq806/ Siobhan's TV Land: http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/4610/ ************************************************************************* "You're born and you die and you make a lot of mistakes in between." --Joey, "Dawson's Creek"