From: "procaid@hotmaiI.com ." Subject: Story: Londo La Mancha Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 11:07:20 PST Warning: This is a parody, and is silly. Those without senses of humor should stop here. I'm making no money of this. And I'm bitter about that... Londo La Mancha Background: This is set as if the psicorp has, over the years after the alliance was formed, been driven out by honest Teeps and Teeks until they are little more than an underground syndicate. To regain power, they have formed an Inquisition. On the remote colony of Spana II, legends of Sheridan and Delenn never traveled. People only know they became part of an Alliance. Scene: A room. It's a big room. There are people in it. It is two stories tall, with platforms in many places, and a staircase leading up to the only door, which is set into the wall. It opens, and two psi-cops walk in dragging a prisoner. They throw him down the stairs and stalk out. The Governor: And who are you? Another political prisoner? Someone who called Bester "Alfy", perhaps? Nathan: I am Nathan de Cervantes. Governor: And why are you here? What did you do to get the Psicorps angry with you? Nathan: I was, until recently, a tax inspector in addition to being a playwright. I was sent to put a note of past due on the PsiCorps head office. [Laughter, clearly at Cervantes] Governor: Well, taxman let me explain how things go here: You will be tried. If you are guilty, you will lose all your possessions. Nathan: All of them? Governor: It's not practical to take more, is it? [Turns to the many other prisoners] And who wishes to be the prosecutor? Duke: [Stands] I will. Nathan de Cervantes, I accuse you of being an idealist, a bad poet, and an honest man. How do you plead? Nathan: Guilty. [Prisoners cheer] Wait! I admitted my guilt! The court is required to hear my defense! Governor: Well... I suppose we have nothing else to bide our time... Very well. Nathan: I will defend myself with... A play! About heroes who fought to enter Earth into the Alliance hundreds of years ago! [Strides to his pack, and begins to dress. He dons a fine jacket] The story of a man. Or rather, a man and many aliens. Who fought bravely on the side of one sentient who united them all in their cause. [Gives a suit to his servant. Takes out a wig] An alien who, over the years, saw the world degrading, and all the other worlds. His sanity left him as he became more depressed. When it was too late, he became a hero, rather than a mere bureaucrat. No longer was he Londo Mollari from Centuari Prime! He is... [Dramatic pause as music begins to swell] Londo La Mancha! With his faithful servant Vir, who while not mad is too spineless to go against his master! And so they travel, trying to do good! [Breaks into song] Londo: Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable Worlds! Thou art base and debauched as can be; And a Centauri with his banners all bravely unfurled Now hurls down his velvet gloves at thee! I am Londo Mollari, The man of Centauri My destiny calls and I go; The gravities of Hyperspace will carry me onward, Oh, withersoever the blow! For the glory of Centauri Prime I go! Vir: I am Vir Cotto! Yes I am Vir Cotto, I'll follow my master till the end! I'll tell all the worlds proudly I'm his aide; I'm his friend! Londo: Hear me heathens and Technomages and first ones of sin, All your dastardly doings are past! For a holy endeavor is now to begin, The Maker shall triumph at last! [They board a diplomatic shuttle and sing together] Londo: Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable Worlds! Vir: I am Vir Cotto! Yes I am Vir Cotto, Thou art base and debauched as can be; I'll follow my master till the end! And a Centauri with his banners all bravely unfurled I'll tell all the worlds proudly Now hurls down his velvet gloves at thee! I'm his aide, I'm his friend! I am Londo Mollari, The man of Centauri My destiny calls and I go; The gravities of Hyperspace will carry me onward, Oh, withersoever the blow! For the glory of Centauri Prime I go! [The shuttle is flying through hyperspace. A Thirdspace portal occasionally passes by] Londo: Well Vir, how do you like adventuring? Vir: Well, to tell you the truth Londo, I'm a bit worried. The Emperor isn't going to like this, and- Londo: [Does not seem to have been listening] Good, Good! [Takes a swig from a bottle of Brivare] The sooner we get where we are going, the better. Vir: Where are we going? Londo: Uh, well, you see Vir... Hum... Well... Here, have some food! Vir: Londo! We can't eat fast food! Eating at Mcbari's is like beeping a Narn on the nose, I always say. Londo: Do you never run out of proverbs? Vir: No. I was born full of them. I always say... Londo: Vir! By the Great Maker! Look! A massive fleet from all the worlds! Vir: [Looking] Londo, all I see is a big space station. Primitive. Looks like it spins to maintain gravity. Londo: You need your eyes checked, Vir. We shall dock with the fleet! [Scene fades as Nathan takes off his wig and steps out of character] Nathan: Reality is a subjective thing, after all. To Londo, a massive fleet. To Vir, a simple space station. But for the sake of argument, let us use Vir's interpretation... A station from a primitive race. Still without gravimetrics... A station called... Babylon 5! [Meanwhile, in C&C] Sheridan: [Standing, starring out the viewports] Look Delenn! The Shadows have massed in orbit of Epsilon 3! Delenn: John, that's not the Shadow Fleet. It's empty space! Sheridan: No, Delenn! Look! Shadow vessels are black! That's them, right there! [Turns to Ivonnova] Launch WhiteStar Fleet! Delenn: [Yelling over the noise] John! The first ones are all gone! Call back the ships before it's too- [A massive crash sounds and little pieces of Vorlon technology float past] late... Sheridan: They vanished at the last second, and moved the planet there! Cunning monsters... Well, the fleet will have armor adapted to that now. What now? Corwyn: The Centauri ambassador arrived today. Sheridan: Ahh. Excellent! Call a meeting of the Non-Aligned worlds! Corwyn: Why, sir? Sheridan: I want to meet the ambassador alone. If the league is in the meeting room, I can meet the ambassador in his quarters. [Time passes. Back on Centauri prime, the royal court has noticed Londo's absence, since his assignment had been to be ambassador of the Republic to a black hole] Cartagia: You fools. Where's Mollari? Why isn't anyone doing anything? [Turns to Prime-Minister] Do Something! Prime Minister: [turns to Refa] Do something! Refa: [Turns to wall] Do something! Oh, my, no one there. Well, never fear my lord, I've got a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a... What are those Earth creatures called? Very sneaky? Aide: Politicians, lord? Refa: No, an animal... Ah, yes, a "weasel". [Turns to wall again] You thought I would say "cats", didn't you? Admit it! Don't you start with me! [Looks around, and regains his composure] Anyway, I have sent out a team to take care of things, and I will go to Babylon 5 personally. This fulfills all he requirements of your request, Emperor. We must do something, this is something, and therefore we must do this. Cartagia: Excellent, Refa. I knew I wouldn't regret not adding you to my shadow council. They only ever think with their heads.... [Music rises] We must help Londo for his own good! [Begins to sing] I'm only thinking of him, I'm only thinking of him, Whatever else I may say or do, I'm only thinking of him! In my body, it's well known, there is not a single selfish bone, I'm only thinking and worrying about him. I'm told he's chasing aliens and I fear it may be true, If the shadows hear about it I don't know what they'll do, I deeply care for Londo but for what he's done to me, I would like to lock him up and throw away the key! But if I do... But if I do... There is one thing that I swear will be true, I'm only thinking of him, Refa: I know, I know, my lord Cartagia: I'm only thinking of him, Refa: Of course you are, my lord. Cartagia: Whatever else I may say or do, Refa: I understand, my lord. Cartagia: I'm only thinking of him! Refa: He's only thinking of him Cartagia: Oh, woe, oh woe... Refa: He's only thinking of him Cartagia: Oh, woe, oh woe... Refa: How saintly is his plaintive plea Cartagia: Oh, woe, oh woe... Refa: When Londo dies, I'll be glad that it's not me! Cartagia: Oh, woe, oh woe... [Fade to black, and back to Babylon 5. Londo and Vir stand in a hallway as a cadre of Centauri soldiers come up without warning from both ends. Each holds a full-length mirror, and a man in completely reflective armor leads them. Even his hair is silver.] Centauri of the Mirrors: Londo La Mancha, I challenge you to a duel. Londo: I'd love to, but I'm busy now. Here, have some bravare. [Gives the Centauri a glass. Both drink] Centauri of the Mirrors: [Holds up his mirror] Look, Londo La Mancha, at yourself. No hero, naught but an overweight diplomat. Londo: [Not at all bothered, and suddenly sounding very lucid] ah, yes, the Knight of the Mirrors routine. I thought someone might try that. I am faking my madness, of course. That is you in there, isn't it Refa? I think now would be a good time to take your leave. Refa: [removes helmet] Londo, you fool! Why should I leave? I can tell Cartagia that I was forced to kill you! Guards! [Nothing happens] Londo: Here are three reasons, Refa: Because I made sure the guards you brought were loyal to me. Because I would have let you leave alive. And because I have poisoned your drink. Yes, it is a very interesting poison. When the first half enters the body, it goes into the intestinal tract and waits. Days, moths, years... I could introduce the second half at any time. I intend to let you suffer, never knowing... Ah, what the hell... G'Kar! [A group of angry narns comes down one end of the hallway as Londo, Vir, and his guards go down the other. Refa: Of S--t, not again... [He turns to run down the other way, only to find the Centauri are gone and more narn are there] What follows is not fit to put in this story as we are trying for a PG rating] [Londo returns to his quarters] Vir: I'm glad you're okay Londo. Londo: Me too, Vir. And thank you for sticking by me back there. But we are not finished yet. With Refa gone, the last impediment to my power is gone as well! We shall rule the galaxy! Because... [Music] I am Londo Mollari the man of Centauri Far smarter than Cartagia guessed, I never liked Refa, which is just as well, Since he's now just a stain on a vest! I am Londo Mollari the man of Centauri Destined to rule all I see, And maybe when I'm done I'll sell it all, And buy a planet for my friends and me! I am Londo! [Scene shifts back to the prison. Nathan is in his regular clothes again] Nathan: Or at least, that's what would have happened, if the writer didn't have a sudden bout of good taste and decide to stop the story as fast as possible. And so, I leave you with the moral of the story, never ea The end This latest go into the silly side of Fan fiction is brought to you by the Other Procrastinator's Aid, and also by the letters E and L, and by the number 3.14159265359...