From jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.eduWed Feb 1 17:36:38 1995 Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 17:24:42 -0600 (CST) From: "Lisa D. Jenkins" To: Babylon 5 Creative Subject: MiSTied: BACK AGAIN? pt 1/2 First, a little explanation and apology. In the *.mst3k newsgroups, "MiSTifications" (creative works based on MST3K -- or Mystery Science Theater 3000, much like these are works based on B5) are real hip. Most people strike the heels of the absolute drek of the USENET posts and other media. I have always chosen more palliatable articles to wrench simply because a MiSTification is only as funny as its originating author, and it has to be somewhat interesting to read in the first place. So I want to point out that in NO WAY is this a judgemental thing on my part of Alexei's work. For his age, he's pretty garsh darn good at it. Uh, generally. But this story's BEGGING me to do it! }B-D I couldn't help myself. I just had to! * * * BACK AGAIN? MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins part 1/2 [Satellite of Love] MIKE: [the human in the Navy green jumpsuit] Oh, hi there. I guess we've got ourselves a brand new audience today who might not all know who we are. Let me introduce ourselves. These are my two robot companions, Tom Servo-- SERVO: [the red robot who has a gumball machine head] Howdie! MIKE: And Crow-- CROW: [the gold robot who has tupperware for a body] How-diddly-do! MIKE: And I'm Mike Nelson. We're all trapped up here on the Satellite of Love. I'm a temp from Happy Temps, and I was sent to do a quick job for some mad scientists down in "Deep 13," and, well, seems something happened to their previous guinea pig, uh, employee, and, so, well, they shot me into space! SERVO: And what Mike and the rest of us here have to do is critique the most sought-after vintage films of old Earth. CROW: [sotto voce] NOT! SERVO: Just think of us as the Siskel and Ebert in space! CROW: I'm Siskel! SERVO: And I'm Ebert. MIKE: Hey! I wanted to be Ebert this time! SERVO: Face it, Mike, you just don't have the physique for it. [A light flashes on the console and over the back panel door.] MIKE: Hey, look! There's our evil overlord calling now! [Deep 13] [DR F, in day-glo green lab coat and matching glasses, looks glum. He sits alone in the middle of a virtually empty Deep 13. Even his usually gelled- up hair seems particularly droopy in clown-like sadness.] DR F: [somewhat reminiscently] It's my first time out without Frank.... I--I don't know what to do! [Satellite of Love] MIKE: Send us Citizen Kane! [SERVO whispers something to his ear.] MIKE: No, strike that. Send us Speed! [Deep 13] DR F: [grows angry as he rises from the chair and slowly approaches the camera] Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Hmmm?! Well! Dr. Steven, er, Clayton Forrester wasn't born yesterday! Oh no! I've got something MUCH more vile for YOU! [Satellite of Love] MIKE: [looks down on SERVO with dismay] Oh, you just had to suggest that movie, didn't you? SERVO: Hey, duffus, I wasn't the one who suggested it to Dr. Forrester! CROW: Yeah! [Deep 13] DR F: [totally in "mad scientist" mode now as he holds a CD-ROM] Ah, yes! BRUHAHAHAHA! This is it! This is the final post to end all posts! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! [grabs camera and thrusts his face in it, distorting the view of his face] You didn't think I could do it, could you, hmm? That's right! [thrusts CD-ROM in front of his face to show them] I'm taking something wonderful and lovable and twisting it into my own little demented reality! [Satellite of Love] MIKE: [non-pulsed and non-enthused] Oh, great. We never doubted you, Dr. F. [Deep 13] DR F: Don't thank me now, little menions! Just WAIT until you see what's in store for you in the theater! It ain't over 'til it's over, Mr. "Fat- lady-singeth" Nelson! [pushes button on his console] [Satellite of Love] [All the lights flash and the ship shudders.] MIKE: Whoa! We got mailing list re-post sign! [MIKE grabs SERVO and everyone EXITS.] [door sequence] [Satellite of Love theater] [MIKE ENTERS carrying SERVO. CROW follows. They sit.] > From owner-babylon5-creative@netcom.com Tue Jan 24 17:50:24 1995 SERVO: [astonished] Babylon 5! I LOVE that show! > Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 21:46:38 -0800 (PST) > From: Alexei Kosut > To: Babylon Five Creative MIKE: Uh, guys, I forgot -- did we decide if "creative" was in the header message, it was a good thing or bad? CROW: Uh, good. SERVO: Bad. CROW: I can't decide. > Subject: Story: "And Back to the Finish" Part One > Message-Id: nueva1.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us> > Sender: owner-babylon5-creative@netcom.com > > Hello: ALL: Hi! > > Well, here it is. The sequel to "From Finish to Start", one of my > previous B5 stories. SERVO: I don't like the look of this.... MIKE: Now, we DID decide that stories that are part of stories that are in creative groups are BAD, right? CROW: I said no such thing! > If you haven't read it, you can get it MIKE and SERVO: [sing] If you want it -- here it is, come an' get it, but you better hurry 'cause it's going fast! > via FTP at > ftp.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us:/pub/babylon5/stories/f2s.txt or via the WWW at > http://www.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us/~akosut/b5/f2s.txt, or just by mailing me > and asking. CROW: Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place! > > This is the first half of the new story, "And Back to the Finish". MIKE: Ah, I get it. He started at the end, and then he realized he was doing it backwards, so now he's doing it right. > The > second half will be posted whenever I finish writing it, possibly > tomorrow. CROW: Whenever. No rush. > > The introduction to this story I particularly like... it has nothing to > do with the rest of it, but heck, I thought it was funny. SERVO: Always the best reason for including a non-sequential continuity- breaking scene -- because it's funny. MIKE: Tom, don't be so critical! > > Oh, and "Lazer" rhymes with "faster" (without the 't'). It's *not* > pronounced like "laser", no matter the similarities. SERVO: Oooo, Mike, may I? MIKE: Oh, I dunno.... SERVO: [excited] Okay, okay. You see, in English there is this general rule-- MIKE: Hush! More story is coming through! > > I'd appreciate comments, if you have any. MIKE: Okay, you two. If you have anything to say, do it now or forever hold your peace. [MIKE waits a beat, but neither say anything.] MIKE: Okay, then. [SERVO starts making fart noises while CROW cackles with giggle fits.] MIKE: Hey, now. Quit it! > And now... SERVO: --a word from our sponsors! > > -- > Babylon 5: > > AND BACK TO THE FINISH CROW: Part IX in the "Back to the Future" trilogy! > > Copyright (c) 1995, Alexei Kosut . SERVO: You know those parentheses are not acceptable as proper copyright marks? CROW: [sarcastically] Oh, so like Mr. Literary would know.... > All rights > will be transferred to J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Productions > Inc., or the Prime Time Entertainment Network upon request. MIKE: I don't foresee any such requests coming soon, however. > This document > may be freely distributed. CROW: --by those men at airports who have shaved their heads and wear orange togas. > > > "I was there at the dawn of the third age of mankind. MIKE: Have you ever been there at a birthing? Ew! Pretty messy. I mean, the husband's flat on his back, and the doctor's gotta cover for him! CROW: Figures. > It began in the > Earth year 2257. It was the founding of the last of the Babylon stations, > located far into neutral space. SERVO: No, no! Put the station in 'drive,' darn it! > It was a port of call for smugglers, > diplomats, refugees, businessman, and travelers from a thousand worlds. It > was a dangerous place, but we accepted the risk, because that station was > our last, best hope for peace. ALL: Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men! > Under the leadership of its final > commander, Babylon 5 was a dream that was given form: CROW: Hubba! Hubba! SERVO: That station surely does have curves, doesn't it, Crow? > a galaxy with no > war, MIKE: --until 2259 when the Great War came upon us all. > species from different worlds living side by side in mutual respect. CROW: Except whenever I'm lunging at G'Kar's throat -- which I do often! > A dream that was in danger as never before, with the arrival of this one > man on his mission of destruction. SERVO: BOOM! MIKE: No boom today. Boom tomorrow. > Babylon 5 was the final Babylon > station. This is its-" > > "Aw, grandpa, we've heard this story a million times," whined one of the > young Centauri children. SERVO: Hey, waitaminute! Doesn't this put Londo off schedule for his 20 year plan? MIKE: What plan was that? SERVO: To die at G'Kar's hands with his own wrapped around the Narn's throat! MIKE: Oh yeah. > > One of the others chimed in. "Yeah. It was better last time, too." CROW: Yeah! 'Cause we had Stewart Copeland and that cute red-head and everything! > > The aging Londo Mollari pushed his glasses up onto his nose. "So you want > to hear a differnt story, eh?" > > The children all shouted, "Yes!" MIKE: We agree! > > "All right then. This was during the third year of my tenure on Babylon 5, > when it was under the command of Captain John Sheridan. SERVO: Who, by the way, may or may not be the last commanding officer for Babylon 5. > This was about > three weeks after that awful Roy Zimmerman affair. CROW: I can't believe it! Londo had an affair with Bobby Zimmerman? SERVO: That's ROY Zimmerman, Mike. MIKE: Oh, I get it. THIS is that never-ending debate about one of the characters possibly being gay.... > It all started with me > doing some important diplomatic business..." MIKE: Sure, Londo. Sure. > > *** > > "I'll see your bet, and I'll raise you five hundred," said Londo Mollari. MIKE: Told ya. > He took a drink from his glass and pushed five black chips into the > center of the table. CROW: Now, did he do that with his hands or his, uh...you know. SERVO: Uh hu. > > He leaned back, put his arms behind his head, and smiled. Then all hell > broke loose. SERVO: Stage walls fell down on the actors, light bulbs exploded, and the prop department went on strike! > Lights flashed, alarms sounded, the doors slammed shut and > locked. MIKE: [Scandinavian voice] Oh, you know, those nifty smart houses can be operated remotely. 'BOTS: [make agreeing noises in a Scandinavian way] Oh, yeah, yeah. For sure. > The atmospheric vents shut off and sealed. CROW: Can't...breathe! Must...find...Spock! > The emergency > bulkheads dropped down to block off the area. The Zocalo > had just been secured, at the level Londo recognized as an Ultra-violet > prority. MIKE: Oh, gee. And I thought it was due to faulty wiring in the station's systems. Damn lowest bidder regulations anyway. > > From the side entrance, a double-sealed door slid open to reveal security > chief Michael Garibaldi, followed by over a dozen armed and armoured > security troops. Garibaldi pointed his PPG rifle at the ceiling and > fired. MIKE: I HATE disco globes! > > "All right," he shouted to the suddenly quiet crowd. "Everyone lie down > on the ground. Now." CROW: I'm fed up with being over worked and under paid! I'm holding you hostage until the EA brings back my best buddy Jeffrey Sinclair and gives me a huge raise! > > As the mixed human and alien crowd lowered to the floor, Garibaldi > motioned to his troops to spread out. > > He turned back to address the people now lying flat on the ground. MIKE: Hey! You know you guys look like ants from way up here? > "We're > looking for a criminal, goes by the name of Lazer. We know he's here. SERVO: Note, this is a SMART MOVE on Garibaldi's part. After all, a security chief knows that by locking a bunch of people together in a room and forcing the criminal to come forward drives him to dire measures, including taking hostages and killing others. > He's > wanted for murder on fourteen systems. The Earth Alliance, the Centauri, > the Narn and three independents all have warrants out for his arrest. > We're going to find him, or no one leaves here alive." MIKE: The way Garibaldi's conducting this search and seizure, I'd say that's about right! CROW: Say goodbye to your commission and retirement pay, Garibaldi. > > The crowd began to whisper exitedly to each other. MIKE: Someone had spotted the Dayton's 13-hour sale down at the other end of the Zocalo, and they hoped Garibaldi hadn't taken notice yet. They knew how he gets with sporting equipment. > Garibaldi fired > another round into the ceiling. "Shut up! Now, my gaurds here are going > to search each and every one of you. CROW: Even if it means body cavity searches! > If you resist in any way, they have > orders to shoot you. Understood? CROW: [as Manuel from Fawlty Towers] "Que?" > Good." > > The security troops stepped into the crowd and started their search. > After about ten minutes, one of them turned to Garibaldi. "Hey, chief! I > got something." SERVO: [half singing] I got Cat Scratch Fever! > > Garibaldi walked over. "What is it?" > > The man motioned at the Centauri he was examining. "I found this in his > pocket," he said, pointing at a palm-sized device. MIKE: Uh oh. Is that what I think it is? SERVO: Uh hu. > > "A minature T-22," nodded Garibaldi. "The most lethal, painful weapon > known to the universe. CROW: What DOESN'T the universe know? > And the one Lazer has used seventy times." ALL: EWWWW! SERVO: For crying out loud, didn't anybody tell Lazer those things are meant to be used only ONCE?! > > Garibaldi used his food to rotate the Centauri suspect face-up, ALL: GROSS! MIKE: Hey, I'm sure that was just a typo. CROW: Speak for yourself, buddy! I've seen cud that could knock your boots off at 20 paces! > while > three security gaurds trained their PPGs at him. Garibaldi suddenly took > a deep intake of air. SERVO: He suddenly realized turning off the air recyclers was a really bad idea. > "Londo?" > > Indeed it was. Ambassador Londo Mollari stared up at the four grey-suited > Earth Forcers, and groaned. MIKE: You mean, he fell on his...? SERVO: Uh hu. > "What is this all about, Mister Garibaldi?" CROW: I've gone MAD! BRUHAHAHAHA! And nobody can stop me! > > Garibaldi swallowed. "You are under arrest." > > *** > > "This is an outrage, Captain!" shouted Londo from behind the > steel-reinfoced plexi-glass in the station's maximum security ward. > > "I'm sorry, Ambassador," explaned Sheridan, "There's nothing I can do. The > Centauri government has a warrent out for Lazer's arrest, and there's > enough evidence to say it was you." > > "What kind of evidence?" MIKE: Circumstantial. > > "The gun found in your posession, for example. It's the exact make and > model used by Lazer." > > "I was framed. It must have been planted on me." MIKE: Told ya. > > Sheridan activated his computer console. "According to this, you have > been off-station every time Lazer has striked." MIKE: Coincidence. > > "Let me see that," shouted Londo. CROW: Oh, I don't think you wanna do that.... > > Sheridan shrugged, and the screen in Londo's cell flickered on. SERVO: --to suddenly discover he was looking at an old Earth re-run of Scarecrow and Mrs. King! ALL: NOOOOO! > He > scanned the list rapidly, then turned back to Sheridan. "What are you > trying to pull, Captain? I was never at these places then. Take Argus > III. ALL: Please! > I've never even been there!" > > "Three witnesses say you were. There would be five, but two of them are > dead." MIKE: How convenient. > > "I don't believe this!" CROW: What? And we're supposed to? > yelled Londo, then threw his hands up in the air > and sat on the bed. "I have powerful friends, Captain. You haven't seen > the last of me." MIKE: As long as you remain in this cell, no, probably not. > > "Anything you say," SERVO: --can and will be used against you in a court of law. > said Sheridan. He then finished the sentance under > his breath. "Can and will be used against you in a court of law." SERVO: Wha--? MIKE: Hey, wow, Tom! You could be writing this! SERVO: Oh, gee, thanks. > Then he > left. > > *** > > "What???" exclaimed Garibaldi. CROW: We just covered that, thanks. > > "Ambassador Mollari is to be released." explained Captain Sheridan. MIKE: Well, finally someone's figured out this was all a waste of time. > > "I can't do that. He's under arrest. For murder, treason, and half a > dozen other crimes. None of them subject to bail, and half of them > punishable by spacing." SERVO: [dripping sarcasm] Oh, you'd LIKE that, wouldn't you? > > "I know," sighed Sheridan. "But I've just been told by the Centauri > government to release him." > > "The Earth Alliance will never stand for this, Captain. And neither will > the Narns. They want him, Captain." CROW: Ah, but the ladies want him more! > > "Michael, I know. But there's nothing I can do. He's a Centauri > diplomatic citizen, and subject to their laws. You have to release him." > > "All right, fine." > > Garibaldi stormed out of Sheridan's office to unlock Londo Mollari. CROW: --with a chainsaw! > > *** > > Talia Winters was lying in the operating chamber in Medlab. Doctor > Franklin emerged to find the expectant crowd consisting of Sheridan, > Garibaldi, and Ivanova. CROW: Hey! She's really pregnant! I KNEW it! MIKE: You never said that. > > "She's going to make it," Franklin said. "But just barely. If Mr. > Garibaldi had found her one minute later... CROW: --she probably WOULD be pregnant! > she would be dead." CROW: Oh. That, too. > > Commander Susan Ivanova turned to look at Garibaldi. "Good job, Mr. > Garibaldi. Tell me, how did you do it?" MIKE: Hey, Ivanova! I think Russians should have a LITTLE bit of tact, don't you? [then in hushed whisper] I'll tell you in the locker room.... > > Garibaldi shrugged. "I was patrolling Red 7, when I heard a scream. I > rushed towards it, and I found her." MIKE: Too bad she wasn't the one who was screaming. > > Sheridan stroked his chin. "You said you heard her scream... could you > make out any words?" SERVO: Yeah. She said, "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!" > > "Yeah... I think she said, 'It's you!'" MIKE: If she said that, wouldn't it have to be more of a shout than a scream? CROW: Shout, scream. What's the difference? > > Franklin nodded. "All right. Well, she'll probably wake up in about > twenty hours. ALL: TWENTY HOURS?! SERVO: Pumped her full of sleeping pills, I see, to prevent her from revealing Franklin's obvious guilt. > I had to give her some pretty heavy sedatives. Then we can > ask her." > > *** > > "All right, Londo, back in the cell." MIKE: In, out. What am I? A battery-powered sex toy? CROW: Oh, you stole that from Red Dwarf. > > Londo turned to see Garibaldi pointing a PPG at his head. SERVO: He was planning to give the ambassador a hair cut. > "What is it > this time?" > > "Oh, maybe you haven't heard," said Garibaldi sarcastically. "Talia > Winters just got shot. The murderer used a T-22. SERVO: What the--?! The word "murderer" implies she's DEAD! > And you never showed up > to a Council meeting scheduled for that time." CROW: Oh, but wait! YOU took the T-22 from him, MISTER Garibaldi! SERVO: If that's your REAL NAME! > > "I was late. Besides, it was probably just some lurker. I'd wager these > 'T-22's aren't that hard to find." > > Garibaldi sighed. "I might agree with you, but I heard her shout, 'I know > it was you'. CROW: Now, last time you said she said, "It's you." Why are you changing your story, MISTER Garibaldi? > She doesn't hang out with lurkers that much." He leaned in > closer. "She does hang out with you." SERVO: Hell, Garibaldi, she hangs out with YOU, too! > > *** > > With Londo back in the brig, Lou Welsh - assitant security cheif MIKE: --or chief. You decide. > - walked > out into the Zocalo with a smile. CROW: He'd just come from Quark's holosuite, you see. SERVO: Wrong show! CROW: Oh, sorry. > He walked through it in a hurry, as he > was on his way to a friends birthday party. He was working the graveyard > shift, so he was going to be a couple hours late, but he was looking > forward to it. MIKE: What? The party or being late? SERVO: Or the lovely slitted party dress he chose to appear in. > > He approached the conference room where the party was being held, Blue > 14, and pressed his palm to the door. It slid open, and Welsh walked > inside. CROW: --and promptly found himself sucking vacuum! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! > > He was greeted by someone falling onto him. MIKE: Women go nuts over Lou. > He looked at the face. It was > Bob Trentor, a friend of his. MIKE: Oops. Wrong gender. Oh well. CROW: WAIT! Maybe HE'S the homosexual character! MIKE: Give it up, Crow. > And he was dead. MIKE: Amazing. > He looked about the room. CROW: Wow! How did the dead guy do THAT?! > They were all dead. CROW: [as Holly from Red Dwarf] "He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave." MIKE: [as Dave Lister from Red Dwarf] "Wait! Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?" > > *** > > "Well, Mr. Garibaldi... Now, we have a problem," sighed Sheridan. CROW: We're stuck in the middle of a story that either makes no sense or is COMPLETELY obvious as to its outcome, and we've STILL got to keep the audience interested in the plot! > > Garibaldi nodded. "Londo was under constant surveilance the whole time. > It couldn't have been him. But the pattern of murder matched Lazer's > profile exactly." > > "That means Londo is innocent. And Laser is still loose on the station." CROW: Aha! NOW his name is "Laser" -- NOT "Lazer"! SERVO: I think he should spell it L-A-Z-A-R. And in three easy steps, I'll tell you why. You see, in English pronunciation and spelling-- MIKE: Can it. > > "Not so fast. The intelligence reports we have say that Lazer hasn't been > confirmed to be one person. It could be a group. CROW: It could be me! Er, I mean -- you! > And we have more than > enough evidence to hold Londo for the other two murders." MIKE: Oh, sure, they're circumstantial, but.... > > "I suppose you're right. All right Michael, keep him locked up. And start > looking for whomever killed those people." SERVO: Because we know YOU didn't! CROW: Nope. Not at all. > > "Aye, sir." > > *** > > Londo was sitting in his cell, staring at the wall, when the visitor > signal beeped. MIKE: When did the brig have visitor doorbells? SERVO: Since the person being locked up was an ambassador with full diplomatic immunity to continuity. > He glanced up to see G'Kar, the ambassador from the Narn > Regime, staring down at him. > > "So, Mollari, you finially found your home." > > "Shut up, G'Kar. I'm not in the mood." > > "Oh, but I am. I want you to know that this is but the least of your > worries. CROW: You see, I've rigged it so that your food tray only dispenses out grape jelly, and your shower? Raspberry jam! > When you are extradited to the Narn Regime for your crimes, we > will not be as lenient as the Earthers have been. You can quote me on > that." MIKE: Wait, wait. I need a pen. > > "I'll try and remember, G'Kar. Now go away." > > The Narn tilted his head and stood up to leave. "As you wish..." SERVO: Then he rolled down over the hillside, and as he did so, Londo realized G'Kar was his long-lost man-servant he had fallen in love with and had been looking for all these years.... CROW: I was RIGHT! It was Londo who is gay! SERVO: I give up! > > TO BE CONTINUED... MIKE: Gee, what an anti-climax. > > -- > Alexei Kosut Live, Londo and Prosper: /\/\/\\____-_____-- __.__.. > akosut@nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us |-|-----|:|:|:: ..| |...| ||=/ \ > Lefler on IRC |-|-----======____| |---| |-=\__/ > \/\/\/ - -- CROW: Uh oh. You know what this means, don't you? MIKE: What? CROW: WE GOTTA DO IT OVER AGAIN TOMORROW! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! [They EXIT the theater.] [door sequence] [Satellite of Love] [MIKE and CROW ENTER from stage left while SERVO is at center stage with charts and diagrams of the English language behind him. He "holds" a pointer.] MIKE: What's this, Tom? SERVO: Well, Mike, I put together a little presentation about English spelling and pronunciations, especially in regards to the spelling of "Lazer," which, by the way, is incorrect...since you two kept INTERRUPTING ME when I tried to explain it in the theater! MIKE: I see. SERVO: Now, if you would, Crow. Please pronounce this word for me. CROW: Which one? SERVO: THIS one--! D'oh! I don't have operable arms! Mike, would you? MIKE: Oh, sure. [MIKE manually moves SERVO'S slinky arms to make the pointer he's holding point to a word.] SERVO: THIS one. CROW: Uh, date. SERVO: Now THIS one...uh, Mike. [MIKE moves SERVO'S arm slightly until the pointer is on a different word.] CROW: Data. ["dahh tahh"] Or, er, data. ["dehh tahh"] SERVO: Exactly. MIKE: [lets go of SERVO'S arm] So what's your point? SERVO: My point is, Mike, that a vowel, followed by a consonant, followed by an "e" makes the previous vowel a "hard" sound. For instance, "date" has the "ehh" sound, while "data" ["dahh tahh"] has the "ahh" sound. MIKE: But, Tom, you can also say "data." ["dehh tahh"] SERVO: What's your point? [Yellow lights flash on the console and over the door behind them.] MIKE: We'll be right back. [hits light on control board] to be continued.... DISCLAIMER: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright 1995 Best Brains, Inc. _Babylon 5_, its characters and situations are copyright 1995 Babylonian Productions, Inc. "And Back to the Finish" (Part One) is copyright 1995 Alexei Kosut . This publication is not meant to infringe on any rights held by Babylonian Productions, Best Brains, Comedy Central, Alexei Kosut, Prime Time Entertainment Network or Warner Bros. This publication is free to distribute as long as its contents and this notice are intact. -- Lisa Jenkins "Garibaldi used his food to rotate the jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu Centauri suspect face-up, while three security gaurds [sic] trained their PPGs at him." --Alexei Kosut, "And Back to the Finish" (Part One) From jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.eduWed Feb 1 17:36:47 1995 Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 16:24:58 -0600 (CST) From: "Lisa D. Jenkins" To: Babylon 5 Creative Subject: MiSTied: BACK AGAIN? pt 2/2 What? You thought I WASN'T going to finish it? }B-D * * * BACK AGAIN? MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins part 2/2 [Satellite of Love] [MIKE ENTERS, glances both ways, and hunkers close to the camera.] MIKE: [stage whisper] Hi, everybody. Mike Nelson here. I've only got a few moments before the inevitable call from Itchy and Scratchy -- minus Scratchy, of course -- and I just have to warn you -- Dr. F hasn't been the same since our very own TV's Frank left.... [Lights flash on console and over the exit door.] MIKE: Well, you'll see what I mean.... [Deep 13] [DR. F, wearing what looks like the black assistant's uniform, carries a balloon bouquet and plays hop scotch, singing light-heartedly to himself. He notices the camera is on and skips over. As he approaches, it is apparent he also has a spit curl in his hair. We only see one side of his body during this whole sequence.] DR. F: [far too chipper for his own good] Oh, hi, Mr. Nelson! How are you today? Um, say, I haven't seen Dr. Forrester around today, have you? I was gonna play tiddly winks with him, but you know what a sore loser he is! Uh oh! I think I hear him coming now! Oh, poopie! [covers his mouth innocently] [DR F, releasing the balloons, suddenly hops around to show the other side of his body to the camera. Now we can see his regular lab coat -- obviously cut in half to achieve the two-sided illusion -- half of his green-rimmed glasses, and half of his hair spiked in every direction.] DR F: [in usual threatening-like voice as he appears to be looking after a non-existent figure running off] FRANK! Frank, stop running away from me! I know you're thinking I'm still out to get you for the last time you beat me at Twister! [cranes neck to look further, but after obviously seeing nothing, turns to face the camera] I am, of course! Heh heh heh! [Satellite of Love] [The 'bots, CROW and SERVO, have joined MIKE.] SERVO: [worried] Dr. F -- have you ever thought about therapy? [Deep 13] DR. F: [flies off the handle] Oh, so you think I'm crazy, eh?! Well, then, I'll show you! I AM! BRUHAHAHAHA! And just to prove it, I'm sending you the second half of that Babylon 5 Creative mailing list story you enjoyed so much the other day! [DR. F turns to look for "Frank" again.] DR. F: Oh, Frank! [DR. F walks off camera only to swivel around to have his body facing the other direction to show the camera his "Frank" side again.] DR. F: [as "Frank," he puts a finger to his mouth] Shh! Don't tell him I'm here! [Satellite of Love] [All the lights flicker, klaxons ring, and the ship shakes.] MIKE: [flailing about] AHHHH! We got sequel sign! [They EXIT.] [door sequence] [Satellite of Love theater] [MIKE, carrying SERVO, and CROW ENTER. They sit.] > From owner-babylon5-creative@netcom.com Thu Jan 26 23:41:41 1995 SERVO: The place that proves it CAN be a creative group and STILL be a hive of horrible fan fiction! > Date: Thu, 26 Jan 1995 18:41:53 -0800 (PST) > From: Alexei Kosut MIKE: The MURDERER! > To: Babylon Five Creative CROW: The MURDERED! > Subject: Story: "And Back to the Finish" Part Two > Message-Id: ace.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us> > Sender: owner-babylon5-creative@netcom.com > > Hello... [The following is done like the Three Stooges.] SERVO: Hello.... MIKE: Hello.... CROW: Hello.... ALL: Hello! > > Here's part two of my sequel to "From Finish to Start", MIKE: Because more than one story just isn't enough. > entitled "And Back > to the Finish." SERVO: [sings to the theme of Back to the Future] We gotta get back to the finish line! > Both are available via FTP at > ftp.nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us:/pub/babylon5/stories/ and via the WWW at > , or simply by > mailing me and asking. CROW: If we asked him not to, do you think it'd help? MIKE: Don't discourage a budding creator, Crow. He might turn out to be another Steven Spielberg! SERVO: And with seaQuest as one of HIS achievements, I can see why you'd say that, Mike.... > > I keep hoping the ending won't be too obvious... SERVO: Hell, I hope the PLOT won't be too obvious.... > well, we'll see. Please > let me know if you guessed what was happening before you were told. CROW: [raises arm] Ooo! Ooo! Me, me, me, me, me! MIKE: I hope that's not just a name you call yourself. CROW: And with a long, long way to go in this story, I predict the killer will be--! MIKE: [clamps down on CROW'S mouth] And now back to the show. > > I tried to keep this story in-joke-free, but failed... there's a Zima > scene, dialouge stolen from a JMS post... ignore it if you like. SERVO: I'll try. I will. Truly. > > I'd appreciate comments, if you have any. MIKE: Please write them in triplicate in the following box below...: [MIKE holds up the smallest square he can and still be seen by the camera.] MIKE: Thank you. [puts square back down] > And now... > > -- > Babylon 5: > > AND BACK TO THE FINISH SERVO: Because I messed it up the first time! > > Copyright (c) 1995, Alexei Kosut . All rights > will be transferred to J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Productions > Inc., or the Prime Time Entertainment Network upon request. This document > may be freely distributed. CROW: --on a street corner or subway system where litter is a way of life! > > > PART TWO MIKE: Because more than one part is too short. > > Susan Ivanova surveyed the Zocalo and winced. SERVO: The neon sign's were so bright, and she forgot to wear shades. > Garibali's security troops > were certainly not being friendly to the local residents and travelers. CROW: Please note, Garibaldi probably is smarter than to do this sort of police brutality. But then, we know this. > To > be certain, there was a mass murderer known to be on the loose, but surely > the heavy-handedness with which Garibaldi was treating the situation > wasn't warranted. CROW: Well! Finally someone agrees! > > She turned to see Garibaldi likewise looking at the area. He turned to > Ivanova and smiled. "A thing of beauty, isn't it?" MIKE: I thought he was a security officer, not a vigilante. CROW: Who says he's really the security officer? SERVO: Enough the hinting. Now the story. > > Raising an eyebrow, Ivanova turned back to the locked-down marketplace > area, with the heavily armed security troops forcibly interrogating > everyone in sight. SERVO: [as security guard] "What did you have for lunch? Eh?" CROW: [as interrogatee] "I--I--!" SERVO: [as security guard] "Let's stick a gun down your throat and see! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" > "Defenitly beautiful," she muttered sarcastically. MIKE: Or even definitely. You decide. > > *** > > "Look, Captain," exclaimed Garibaldi, "All the evidence points to him." MIKE: Granted, it's STILL circumstantial, but heck! I can put him away for life on this jaywalking violation alone! > > "Let me get this straight," sighed Sheridan. SERVO: It's so hard to draw lines without a straight edge. > "First you lock up Londo. > Now you want to put G'Kar behind bars too?" MIKE: Sure. Why not? They're going to war, aren't they? Stop it by locking 'em both up. > > Garibaldi nodded. "See, here," he said, pointing to the computer > terminal. "He had excused himself from the Council meeting at the exact > time Welsh's party last night was murdered." SERVO: Oh, that proves it alright! MIKE: Yeah, it proves Garibaldi is INSANE! CROW: What gave you the first clue? Him storming in the casino on the Zocalo? Making the market look like a chunk of swiss cheese? Locking Londo up on circumstantial evidence? MIKE: No. I noticed he's wearing his socks backwards. CROW: Oh. I see.... Huh? > > "Could be a coincindence," muttered Sheridan. SERVO: Please, Sheridan, be the voice of reason! > "Mister Garibaldi... > Michael, all the evidence you have is circumstancal, it'll never hold up > in court." SERVO: Darn it! At last SOMEBODY said it! MIKE: I said it. CROW: You don't count. MIKE: And you do? > > "Be that as it may, I have a signed order from the Attorney General of > Earth Force, warrenting the arrest of anyone I think could be Lazer." MIKE: Or warranting. You decide. > > Sheridan sighed, and rested his hands on his desk. "Will you be > releaseing Ambassador Mollari?" MIKE: Or releas-- SERVO: Oh, stop it, Mike. Nobody cares. > > "What?" replied Garibaldi on his way out, "Do you think I'm crazy?" ALL: YES! > > *** > > For the first time that week, Londo Mollari began to smile as he watched > security gaurds pushed G'Kar into the cell next to his. MIKE: I COULD point out that his verbiage here-- 'BOTS: NO! SERVO: That's IT, Mike! From now on, *I'M* the literary and grammatical reference critic. You got that? > Londo leaned back > and activated the intercom. > > "So, G'Kar, I see they found the real murderer. It's about time." > > G'Kar grimaced. "I am innocent. As are all Narn. We were a peaceful > people until you came along. You Centauri. You are the real murderers. > You, Mollari, and your race." MIKE: You know, this is something that's been bugging me for a while. I mean, if the Centauri and the Narn and humans and all are different RACES, that means they can interbred with each other, doesn't it? SERVO: Only you, Mike, would think of a thing like that. MIKE: No, wait. Think about it. Shouldn't they be different SPECIES? I mean, a dog and a cat look a lot alike, but they can't bred with each other! CROW: I don't want to think about it. And you've already spent too much time discussing it! > > "Oh," exclaimed Londo, grinning, "But that face, that clothing... You so > look the part." > > "That's not funny, Mollari." > > "Oh, but it is, G'Kar... it is." SERVO: It's so funny, I forgot to laugh. > > *** > > Now well into the second week of the chaos that was overtaking the > station, Susan Ivanova sidestepped her way into Sheridan's office, past > the two security gaurds that stopped her at the door and made her present > her ID. MIKE: Ever notice how an ID picture never really looks anything like you? SERVO: LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!!! > > She sat down at Sheridan's desk, and just as quickly stood up. MIKE: Sheridan had planted a whoopie cushion in the chair. > "This is > madness, Captain. Garibaldi's insane! CROW: You mean she's only NOW figuring this out? > He's got the entire station locked > down, a quarter of a million people confined to a limtied area... MIKE: Wait a minute. That's all the station holds at maximum capacity! > he's > not letting any ships in or out. SERVO: [as Ivanova] "And he's got his mitts all over my console on C and C!" MIKE: [as Garibaldi] "I don't see your name on it." SERVO: Shut up. > He's got forty people down in Security > under a charge of murder... this is getting out of hand." > > "Yet you can't deny that there have been fifty-six people killed in the > last ten days on this station. MIKE: Fifty-six?! Damn! I need a new security officer! > No matter how we may dislike his methods, > Mister Garibaldi has the authority to do what he's done. Nothing he's > done is inapproriate for the situation." CROW: Oh? Would you like me to count down the list? > > Ivanova sighed and got up to leave. "I guess not" > > She continuted out of Sheridan's office to the security office. Seeing > Lou Welsh there, she asked him, "Where's Garibaldi?" CROW: [as Welch] "Oh, killing somebod-- Er, I mean, arresting somebody." > > Welsh shrugged. "He left about half an our ago. I think he said he was > going to Earheart's. To get a beer or something." SERVO: You're right. It's too damned obvious. > > Ivanova almost left, then suddenly something clicked. "But Garibaldi > doesn't drink..." CROW: See? > > Welsh and Ivanova locked eyes for several seconds, then they started > running. MIKE: --for the bathroom 'cause there was only one on the station. > > *** > > Michael Garibaldi was sitting at the bar, slowly sipping a dark ale. Next > to him was a man, likewise drinking and talking at, if not to, Garibaldi. > He had been rambling on for some time now. > > He stopped to gulp down some more of the clear alcoholic beverage he was > drinking, then continued in the drawn-out slur of someone who's had a bit > to much to drink. "Zo then I zayz to him, nize ztation..." SERVO: [flatly] Ha ha ha. Kill him. > > Garibaldi, able to take no more, balled his hand into a fist and reached > down towards his belt. ALL: DO IT! DO IT! > > At that moment, Ivanova arrived at the doorway. grabbing her PPG, she > fired into the ceiling. "Everybody down," she shouted. SERVO: Bad timing, Ivanova! He was about to rid the world of the horror that *IS* Zima! > > Garibaldi spun around and grabbed his own weapon. He fired it at Ivanova, > knocking a support beam down almost on top of her. After several minutes > of this, MIKE: It took several minutes for the support beam to fall down on top of her? Or is he continually shooting down support beams on top of Ivanova? > he buryed the gun deep into the guy next to him's back. > > "You put that gun down," he yelled, "Or he gets shot." ALL: DO IT! DO IT! MIKE: It's still the Zima guy, right? > > Glancing about her, Ivanova slowly lowered the weapon. Taking a step back > from it, she watched in horror as Garbaldi fired the weapon he held in > his hand. The man screamed, then crumbled to the ground. ALL: YES! > > "You said you wouldn't hurt him!' she exclaimed. MIKE: Ivanova, the man just did the universe a great service. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. > > He cooly lifted his head. "I lied." He then fired a grazing shot across > the crowd, as Ivanova dove for her PPG and returned fire. > > One of Garibaldi's shots singed Ivanova's left arm, and she fell > unconcsious. CROW: This must be like the phenomenon where if you get hit in the ear by a snowball packed with ice, you limp. > At just that moment, Lou Welsh and two other security gaurds > arrived at the room with PPG rifles. SERVO: About time! > > Two of them began to fire streams of phased plasma at Garibaldi, MIKE: Who you gonna call? 'BOTS: Garibaldi busters! > while > the other tended to Ivanova. Unfortunatly, because the security men were > being careful not to hit innocent partrons of Earheart's who had the > misfortune of being there, and Garibaldi was not, he was nowhere near > being hit. CROW: Uh, you lost me there. The "partrons" are not lucky to be there. Okay, got that. But Garibaldi -- he was lucky? SERVO: Hey, he got the chance all of us dream about -- to blow away the Zima guy! CROW: Oh, yeah. > > Eventually, he obliterated the two gray-shirts, MIKE: What's somebody doing laundry out in the officer's bar, anyway? > and a shelf full of > plates had collapsed onto Welsh, CROW: Aw. Just couldn't keep them all spinning at once! > leaving Garibaldi unchallenged. MIKE: Jeopardy is far too easy. Maybe if I switched to Think Twice.... > > He raised his arms in victory, and leveled his weapon at the pinned > Welsh. SERVO: My God. He's just become the baboon in Every Which Way but Loose! > He never even saw the man that killed him. CROW: Who?! Who?! SERVO: Who killed who? MIKE: Somebody die? > From behind, a limping > figure in indescript, beige clothing fired a hand PPG pistol, hitting > Garibaldi square in the back. ALL: Oh. HIM! > > He moved closer to the body to examine it, and even though the face was > shrouded in dirt and shadows, he was recognizable. It was Michael > Garibaldi. MIKE: Okay, quick run down. Who's this? [points to dirty Garibaldi] SERVO: Uh, Garibaldi. MIKE: And who's this? [points to dead "Garibaldi"] CROW: Garibaldi's obvious double since the beginning of part one of this entire story! MIKE: Thank you. > > He reached down to other man, with his face and his uniform, and fumbled > about until he located a small device and flicked a switch. MIKE: I'm just guessing -- changeling net? CROW: Yep. > The face and > body of Garibaldi faded into something else, someone unknown. The > onlooking crowd gasped. CROW: Oh my God! It's--! It's--! ALL: BARNEY THE DINOSAUR! > > Garibaldi propped the dead figure up against a table, and spoke. MIKE: I'll move the mouth. You do the funny voice. > "This, > my friends, is the real Lazer." Turning to the dead man, he said, "You're > under arrest." MIKE: Yeah, that's Garibaldi, all right. SERVO: Oh, the man cracks me up. > > *** > > "So, Captain, that's it. Lazer broke into my quarters, and locked me into > my bathroom. MIKE: How humiliating! CROw: Well, as an officer, he had a water shower! MIKE: Still.... > He put a static-field around it, so I couldn't call for > help, MIKE: The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as x-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field, so although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you, time itself does not exist. You see, although you are still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero. SERVO: It's as simple as stealing it line-by-line from Red Dwarf! Geez! > and he put some sort of defense system up so if I tried to escape, > it gave me a shock. SERVO: The first shock was the amazing ability Lazer had to freely walk around the section of the officer's quarters, break into Garibaldi's cabin, and lock the poor sap up in the BATHROOM, fer crying out loud! MIKE: It would have been easier just to kill him. Actually, I'd prefer it over being locked up in a bathroom. > I had water from the sink, but nothing to eat... I > tell you, after two weeks with no food, you get pretty hungry." MIKE: Two weeks?! CROW: Man, Doc Franklin's food plan really works wonders! > > "I imagine," replied Sheridan. "So how did you escape?" CROW: I used my handy-dandy hair barrette--! SERVO: No, that's Mary Sue creative stories from Star Trek. > > "I swam. I managed to rip the toilet off of the floor, MIKE: Shit! Don't get that man mad! > then went down > that opening until I got to a ventilation system, and came out. MIKE: How did the water get connected to the air? CROW: How else you gonna carbonate it? > You'd be > surprised how many air pockets there are in our water reclimation > system." SERVO: And you'd be surprised how much of that soot and muck on Garibaldi right now ISN'T dirt.... MIKE and CROW: EWWWW! > > "We'll have to have that fixed," Sheridan said dryly. CROW: Yeah! Disconnect the water from the air lines right away! > "But moving to > another subject, you've identified this man as being the real Lazer?" > > "We're pretty sure. His records identify him as a Leslie Zefram, > convicted twice for third-degree homicide, and his travel plans fit > Lazer's hits exactly. MIKE: Uh oh. More circumstantial evidence. > He used a changeling net to make himself look like > me, and it appears to be that Centauri net we never found with the > Zimmerman affair." CROW: Oh. So now you're telling me Lazer is the gay character? SERVO: Please. > > "Hmm... Does that mean that this Zefram is assocaited with Homegaurd?" SERVO: Hey, where did THAT come from? MIKE: The previous story? CROW: Damn! Now we gotta download the previous story JUST to understand this reference! SERVO: [dripping sarcasm] I don't think so! > > "Not that we can tell. He was in Paris at the time of that big Homegaurd > rally a couple weeks ago. CROW: A couple of weeks ago, he was locking down the Zocalo and harassing the patrons! > Most likely he stole the changeling let from a > bona fine Homegaurder then, after killing him." MIKE: Which do you think is easier -- killing him and then taking the net, or taking the net and then killing him? SERVO: Let's try it and find out! > > Sheridan sighed. "Well, I'm glad that's taken care of. We've released the > people your imposter arrested, and formally, none of their governments > are going to press charges, but I've a good feeling I'm going to get a > lot of complains on this desk real soon." CROW: Captain? You first report is-- ALL: --from US! > > Garibaldi opened his mouth to say something when Sheridan's link beeped. > He tapped it, and lifted it to his mouth. "Sheridan here." > > "This is Ivanova. You'd better get up to C&C right away..." MIKE: Please tell me that isn't a prelude to another sequel! > > THE END ALL: THANK GOD! > > > -- > Alexei Kosut Live, Londo and Prosper: /\/\/\\____-_____-- __.__.. > akosut@nueva.pvt.k12.ca.us |-|-----|:|:|:: ..| |...| ||=/ \ > Lefler on IRC |-|-----======____| |---| |-=\__/ > \/\/\/ - -- CROW: [cutsy voice] Aw. Look at de purty ship.... [They EXIT.] [door sequence] [Satellite of Love] [CROW and SERVO debate the story.] CROW: I can't BELIEVE you fell for that plot ploy! What? You saying that all security guards should go around thinking with their guns just because the action sequence was COOL?! SERVO: Oh, no! I'm not saying that at all, Crow! I just think that under SOME circumstances -- admittedly, very strange, bizarre, convoluted ones -- Garibaldi MAY have acted in that manner! For instance, Garibaldi may have returned to alcoholism perhaps because of the killing spree on the station -- totalling a sum of 57 people -- along with the assult on his wannabe girlfriend Talia Winters-- CROW: Nu uh. No way. A sophisticated woman like Talia Winters would NEVER go for a guy like Garibaldi! He's too rude and crude. [During this exchange, MIKE ENTERS.] SERVO: So who WOULD she go for? CROW: Someone like me, of course! SERVO: Oh, geez! MIKE: Boys, boys. We can clear this all up in a second. CROW: Oh? MIKE: Yeah. I happen to have a friend who's a friend of a neighbor of the barber who does Alexei's hair! We can call him up right now! CROW: Cool! [MIKE drags out phone from off screen. He puts it on speaker and dials. The phone rings. ALEXEI answers.] ALEXEI: Hello? MIKE: Hi. Is this Alexei, the guy who wrote "And Back to the Finish"? ALEXEI: [suspiciously] Yeah.... MIKE: Do you mind if we put this call on hexifield view screen? ALEXEI: Uh, sure, go ahead. [MIKE hits another button, and the hexifield view screen opens to reveal a very young teen-aged ALEXEI. The 'bots do a double take.] SERVO: Wha--? But you're a kid! ALEXEI: I know! Don't remind me! CROW: Say, kid, what were you THINKING when you thought you could fool us that Garibaldi's behavior was NORMAL for the whole part of the story?! MIKE: Hey, Crow, give the kid a break! ALEXEI: No, he's right. I just thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be cool if Garibaldi went bonkers and used his authority to lock everybody up, and it turned out to be him who was the killer?" CROW: Uh hu. ALEXEI: Actually, I really do appreciate your comments. If you have any advice for me, I would love to hear it. SERVO: Yes. Alexei -- just one word of advice -- spellchecker. MIKE: Yeah. Remember -- "guard" -- G-U-A-R-D. "Guard." ALEXEI: Oh, thanks. Uh, just one thing. You didn't think the plot was too obvious, did you? ALL: [shake heads; each takes various lines] Oh, no. Nope. Not at all. Very realistic. ALEXEI: You wouldn't just be saying that to shield me from any undue affects of emotional scarring it may have on me later in life? ALL: [as before, taking different lines] Oh, no! Not us! Not at all. ALEXEI: Well, good. Anyway, I gotta go -- Star Trek: The Next Generation is on. Which gives me a great idea for my NEXT Babylon 5 mailing list sequel! [The hexifield viewer closes and the others face each other.] MIKE: You think we should have told him the truth? [They take a beat to think about it.] ALL: Naaaaahhh! MIKE: Hey, Dr. F, whadda you think? [Deep 13] [DR. F is now completely decked out like "Frank," including hair and mannerisms.] DR. F: Oh, I'm sorry, Nelson, but Dr. F isn't here. If you'd like, I'll take a message and make sure Steven gets it.... [Satellite of Love] ALL: [taking various lines again as they back away from the camera] Oh, er, no. Nah. Thanks. [Deep 13] DR. F: [shrugs] Okay. [DR. F pauses for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then he shakes out a handkerchief from back pocket to scarcely cover his mouth with it and shouts behind it.] DR. F: Push the button, Frank! [DR. F puts the handkerchief down. He smiles apologetically like "Frank" and pushes the button on the console.] \ / -*POOF!*- / \ DISCLAIMER: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright 1995 Best Brains, Inc. _Babylon 5_, its characters and situations are copyright 1995 Babylonian Productions, Inc. "And Back to the Finish" (Part Two) is copyright 1995 Alexei Kosut . This publication is not meant to infringe on any rights held by Babylonian Productions, Best Brains, Comedy Central, Alexei Kosut, Prime Time Entertainment Network or Warner Bros. This publication is free to distribute as long as its contents and this notice are intact. -- Lisa Jenkins "'What?' replied Garibaldi on his way out, jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu 'Do you think I'm crazy?'" --Alexei Kosut, "And Back to the Finish" (Part Two)