Disclaimer: Ever since I heard that Captain Lochley was Sheridan's ex 
wife, I've been thinking about just how Delenn reacted when *she* found 
out about it. I know *I* would be pissed, but we didn't get to see that 
much of it in "Learning Curve", so I decided to - once again - write my 
very own gap filler... These characters aren't mine, but I guess you 
already knew that. I wish they were. Don't get too angry, JMS, I'm only 
using your fab characters because I love them so much...

PAST AND FUTURE
by miramurr@hotmail.com

Delenn was sitting in bed, her feet curled up under her. 

"I'm just thinking..." Uh-oh, was the first thought that flashed 
through her husband's brain. She has *that* tone in her voice. That 
little catch, one that was virtually impossible to detect unless you 
knew what it was; unless you'd heard it before. He *had* heard it 
before, on a few occasions. Unfortunately. An angry Minbari woman is a 
formidable opponent, that was something he'd learned long ago.

"About what ?"

"I spoke to the Captain today. At one point, she said she couldn't 
believe that you would authorize the mora'dum. She said; 'It's not like 
you.' What did she mean by that, John ?" Not daring to face her quite 
yet, Sheridan slowly closed the half-transparent sliding doors to his - 
their - bedroom. He took a deep breath, turning to face her, sitting 
down on the bed.

Delenn's eyes were piercing, it was as if she was seeing all the way 
through him. He couldn't hide his real feelings for her in the longer 
run, and they both knew it. She knew him too well, and she sensed that 
something was going on. When he didn't reply, she continued: 

"I have always been wondering why you chose Captain Lochley as the 
station's new commander..." Her voice trailed off, observing his every 
reaction closely. He felt like a bug under a microscope.

"However,  I never questioned your decision. She seems competent, 
reliable - even though she is no Susan Ivanova. We both know that, and 
it is not fair of us to expect Captain Lochley to fill Susan's place." 

Where is she going with this, Sheridan silently wondered, contemplating 
what to do next. Delenn deserved to know the truth. In fact, he 
should've told her a long time ago, if he had, it would've been easier 
for both of them.

But Delenn wasn't one to tip-toe around a subject for too long. She had 
an amazing ability to get to the core of things, and that was just what 
she was doing now. "It almost seems as if... you two know each other 
better than any of you have given any indication of, to me or to anyone 
else." 

Sheridan sighed, running his hand through his hair. Delenn was just 
looking at him, her big green eyes questioning and slightly concerned. 
She frowned as the silence in the room sank in, realizing that he really 
*was* hiding something from her, something bigger than she'd thought --

"Yeah. We do know each other."

"Oh ? Since when ?" This is beginning to sound like an interrogation, 
she thought, becoming increasingly alarmed as her husband's eyes began 
to wander instead of meeting hers. His hands were playing with the 
blanket, nervously. Reaching out to him, she took his hands in her own, 
forcing him to look at her.

"Elizabeth and I go way back." Elizabeth. He'd called her Elizabeth. 
What in Valen's name was going on here ? They were both military, 
perhaps they'd served on the same ship or something before -- but his 
next words threw her in for a loop.

"In fact we ... er ... we used to be ... kind of ... married." Her eyes 
widened, her body suddenly stiffening. She let go of his hands, as if he 
was on fire and she was getting burned. She inhaled sharply, not saying 
anything, just slowly rising up, getting out of bed, walking over to a 
pyramid of crystals she'd built in a corner not too long ago. He 
remembered what she'd called them when she'd insisted she did something 
to alter the "energy balance" in his quarters. "Pyramid of calm, of 
reality, of truth." The Minbari had a ritual for anything, it seemed, 
even for invisible and undetectable energy fields which he didn't really 
believe in, anyway. She just stared at the crystal pyramid, as if 
studying the way the light was reflected and shining through it, but he 
knew that her mind was focused on something else, something entirely 
different. Her silence was forcing him to tell, try to explain.

"It happened many years ago - before I met Anna." He could see her 
shoulders tensing, just briefly, when he mentioned his late wife's name. 
He knew how deeply Anna's sudden and unexpected arrival had hurt and 
shocked Delenn, and that was one of the reasons why he hadn't managed to 
find the nerve to tell his wife who this new captain on Babylon 5 really 
was.

"We were both so young ... I was 25, she was perhaps a few years 
younger. We met at an army party just after we'd graduated from officer 
training school... you know what it's like at those parties ..." Not for 
one moment did he think about the fact that she didn't, but she didn't 
say anything, so he continued, talking a bit too fast, his voice 
betraying his nervousness -- "Too much booze, too much loud music, too 
much fooling around ..." When he heard himself saying that, he could've 
slapped himself in the face, it didn't come out at all the way he'd 
wanted it. Great. Now what did she think of him.

"So -- you got perhaps a bit too drunk and married her, then ? And 
divorced her when you woke up the next day ?" Her voice was strangely 
distant, she was standing just a few meters away from him, but her voice 
sounded like it was miles away. 

"Well ... no." Oh God, how do I explain this one, he thought, cursing 
himself for not telling her about this before Captain Lochley came on 
the station. If he had, he might have been able to give Delenn a 
somewhat censored version of the truth. He wouldn't lie to her, but 
certainly there were parts of the truth that could have been left out 
without actually lying ? As it was now, he'd have to tell her 
everything, because she would never believe him if he told her only half 
the truth. 

"We ..." He closed his eyes. Get on with it, John, he thought. Nothing 
can make this any worse than it already is. "We... fell in love."

Slowly, Delenn turned around, not wanting to believe what she had just 
heard, but knowing that it was true. His wandering eyes and insecure 
body language were proof enough. Tears threatened to fill her eyes, but 
she held them back with an effort of pure will. For reasons she couldn't 
explain, not even to herself, she didn't want him to see her tears, not 
now.

Visions flashed before her eyes, like nightmares. Of John and ... 
Elizabeth. She saw them, twenty years younger, making love. She could've 
been able to stand that, if it had *only* been about making love once or 
twice. She knew that John wasn't a saint, and she didn't care about the 
fact that he had a history, even before meeting Anna. She had accepted 
that, as long as he didn't bring his past onto the station, into their 
lives. And that was just what he had done. 

She saw Sheridan and Lochley kissing each other, a long, thorough kiss, 
Elizabeth running her hands over the tense muscles in his back, then 
moving on to slowly unbuttoning his shirt, while he pushed her dress out 
of the way ... Shaking her head, she forced the visions away, out of her 
head. If it had only been about making love, having sex once or twice, 
then she could've handled it. Because then she'd have known that it had 
never meant anything more. But this apparently had. 'We ... fell in 
love.' I'm so naive, she thought, her body swaying dangerously as she 
was standing by the crystal pyramid, her eyes empty, looking at 
something that wasn't really there. John got up, afraid that she'd fall, 
and took a few steps towards her - but she stepped away, holding her 
hands up. Shaking her head, she whispered:

"Not now, John." 

Hesitatingly, he sat back down. "We were both young, and pretty 
immature, I think." He tried to explain, tell her what he should've told 
her a long time ago. "It was like ... we fell madly in love. Then we 
fell out of love again just as quickly." He laughed, but his laughter 
sounded hard, strained. "We were a disaster together. We were both too 
selfish, too stubborn, refusing to admit our mistakes and faults. 
Reaching a compromise was impossible, or so it quickly turned out. When 
there was no love left - and that didn't take long, believe me - there 
was *nothing* left. Nothing. Only a friendship that wasn't so close 
after all. Mutual respect, yes, but you can't base a marriage on respect 
only. So we decided to just end it, as quickly and painlessly as 
possible. We moved on to different lives. It was simply - over."

"And now ? Do you still have feelings for her ? Is that why you brought 
her to the station ? Am I not enough for you, do you want someone else 
?" She was provoking him now, deliberatly hurting him, twisting his 
answers to make him spill out the whole truth, without any reservations. 

"God Delenn, no !" He almost screamed. "Are you insane ? Don't you have 
any idea how much I love you ? There's no woman in my life but you, and 
there never will be !"

Stepping even further away from him, she said harshly: "I am sure you 
thought the same with Anna and Captain Lochley, didn't you ?"

"Yeah, but I was wrong."

"Then you can be wrong again, can you not ?"

He was starting to become angry now, but mostly with himself, for being 
so stupid as to not having told her before. 

"No, I can't. This is different. When I died ... at Z'Ha'Dum ..." She 
closed her eyes briefly, taking a deep breath as she heard him talking 
about Z'Ha'Dum. The one single place in the universe which she truly 
hated and feared. "... I saw you, Delenn. You were the only person who 
could bring me back. You were the only person who could make *me* bring 
myself back. It was like - there was this bond between us. You Minbari 
say that some souls travel together - and I think that it might ... be 
true. Because of what you've shown me. And because of the way you looked 
at me when I was in between tick - and tock. I could almost hear the 
clock being about to go on to tock, and then - you were there. And that 
was when I realized that I *did* in fact have a reason to live." He 
paused. "I knew who I was. Perhaps for the first time in my life."

Her knees shaking, she walked towards the bed and lay down. She could 
sense his relief when she didn't refuse him to lie down next to her, 
perhaps he'd expected to have to sleep on the couch tonight - but she 
could also sense his apprehension when she bluntly removed his 
hesitating hand from her naked shoulder. 

"I'm going to pretend that you were going to tell me this sooner or 
later."

"I was just ... looking for the right time."

"Ten seconds after you thought of it would have been good."

John turned towards her, almost opening his mouth to say something, but 
realized he didn't quite know what to say. Especially when she moved 
even further away from him, basically just lying on the edge of the bed.

"Are you all right ?"

"I think so. It will just ... take some getting used to."

She turned off her bedside light, almost demonstratively. As she closed 
her eyes, she realized that she'd have to draw upon all her training as 
a Minbari religious caste to be able to fall asleep tonight. 

Next to her, John also turned off his light. A few minutes later, she 
could hear by his gentle snoring that he'd fallen asleep, an uneasy, 
disturbed rest. 

END