From: "Analise Hairabedian" Subject: Wasted Time Part 1 Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 16:17:05 +0000 Hey all, Here is yet another S/D story...to add to the recent flood of them lately...a flood *I* personally hope continues. I'm as bad as Ali! Many thanks to Mary..who found lots of errors...and thanks to Becky and Ali who didn't tell me to throw it into the circular file. Analise Wasted Time The Universe trundled along. It took little notice of its denizens. Time was irrelevant to it. It simply was. Stars, people, worlds..they came and went. Things changed, died out, were reborn, and still...the Universe spun. It manifested itself in its children, their lives..their deaths...this was how it was..how it had always been. An indifferent creature with Fate as its minion, not its partner. Love, tragedy, hate, pain, fear, joy and victory...the Universe doled these things out in unequal measure and an uncaring fashion. Some learned, some did not...and the Universe trundled on. ************************** La'Shan watched. She had watched for almost 7 months now, and still, she did not tire of her duty. Entil'Zha would come here every day and stand on the very brink of the Crystal Cliff's...just stand..and stare at the roaring waters of the Waterfalls that surrounded the Temple below. La'Shan guessed that she was meditating..a difficult place to do such an activity, but then, Ranger One was an extraordinary person. The wind was very strong here, strong enough..sometimes..to throw a person back from the edge, but Entil'Zha never wavered. It was as if she gained something from the knife-edged cold wind off the mountains, something she would never share..for she rarely spoke. Not since the Shadow War. Not since she had returned to Minbar. It had been soon after that return, that Marcus had come to La'Shan and asked her to watch Ranger One when he was not able to..when he was not on Minbar. This was more and more the case lately, as he was spending a great deal of his time on Babylon 5 with the Second in Command there, Susan Ivanova. La'Shan did not begrudge him this, she was happy to take his place at Entil'Zha's side. She had worshiped the woman silently, ever since she had heard of the sacrifice that she had made...becoming what she was...for the Prophecy. Her respect had only grown as she had volunteered to serve as crew on the WhiteStar and witnessed personally the actions that had won the War. She watched her now, alert, ready to move if need be. In tune with the slightest movement the woman on the edge of the cliffs made. Marcus had expressed concern for her health...her welfare ...and La'Shan herself had felt the same concern, but she did not really believe that Entil'Zha could be...sick or unhealthy in any way. But .. she kept her eye on Ranger One, never tiring of looking at her exotic alien beauty. Many on Minbar considered her a freak..regardless of her actions during the war, but not La'Shan.The wind whipped the long, dark, mahogany hair back from Ranger One's face in living tendrils, exposing high cheekbones and thick-lashed green eyes, it swirled around her feet, lifting and snapping her white robes around her body. For a few moments, the outline of her swollen belly was visible and then it was obscured again. La'Shan was glad that she was not close enough to see her eyes. She knew what lived there...hurt, regret, self-hatred....things that were painful enough to view, much less live through. She blinked. The figure had turned from the view of the Temple and its surrounding tempest of falling water, and she was moving slowly down the path towards the young Ranger. La'Shan snapped to attention. The white robes were flowing around her form like shifting light in the last of the Star's rays. As Delenn drew abreast of the youth, La' Shan bowed deeply and took up at her side. "Were your meditations this evening successful, Entil'Zha?" La'Shan asked respectfully. The green eyes did not waver from the path in front of them as they both made their way down the mountainside. "As well as could be expected, La'Shan. I am sorry you had to wait so long. I told you that you did not have to join me" La'Shan bowed her head again. " I too, enjoy the sunset on the Crystal Cliffs, Entil'Zha. It is a sight that is designed to bring peace to the viewer." She stopped there, knowing that it would take far more than the simple diffusion of light waves in the atmosphere to appease the hurt in Delenn's soul. The last of the Star's light was reflecting off of the spires of the structure below them as they made their way down the well used, winding path towards the Temple that the Rangers had made their own during the War. Delenn did not speak. La'Shan did not expect her to. She had become used to the silence that accompanied Ranger One since she had returned to Minbar permanently. Instead ,she took Entil'Zha's elbow on the steeper parts of the path and helped her without comment when her swollen form would not allow her to navigate easily. Delenn did not look up, nor acknowledge this aid...she seemed not to notice those around her most of the time. La'Shan did not deny her this..she was one of the few who knew Delenn well enough to know that she was suffering. Most just found her distant and indifferent. La'Shan had been a member of the White Star's crew during the War..she had seen how different Delenn had been...with him. After about fifteen minutes on the steep path, they made their way across the bridge towards the Temple. Waterfalls roared around them, torrents of water pounding down off the thousand foot Crystal Cliffs. Spray filled the air, dampening their clothing and moistening their skin, collecting in Delenn's hair in tiny beads that glittered in the remaining light. They both stopped momentarily to watch the small flock of white Ezan that lived in the heights of the Temple, burst as one from the spires and dwindle into specks against the froth of the waterfall. A single feather floated down from their passing and both women watched it, respecting the silent moment of beauty they had just been given. Then they both continued on, coming to the great main doors of the Temple. An exiting Ranger saw Delenn and bowed deeply, holding the door open for both of them. Delenn nodded her thanks almost absently, missing the silent look of concern that La'Shan and the other shared briefly. Delenn seemed to be getting paler and more drawn every day as her pregnancy matured, paradoxically getting thinner as her belly grew. She should have looked the bloom of health, instead she had become a shadow of her former self. La'Shan spotted Rathenn moving purposefully towards them, his footsteps silent in the echoing, vaulted main chamber. He drew abreast of them and bowed his head. "Entil'Zha...if I might have a word?" he asked quietly. La'Shan noticed the slight wrinkling around Delenn's mouth that always accompanied Rathenn's use of her title. She did not like to be revered by those at whose feet she had once sat. But try as she might, she could not get Rathenn, or any of the others to refer to her simply as Delenn anymore. La'Shan bowed to both of them, and retreated out of hearing range so they could talk. "What is it Rathenn?" Delenn asked quietly, one small hand coming to rest on the bulge of her stomach. "I am quite tired after the climb." Rathenn frowned ever so gently. "You should not be making that climb at all." he said admonishing. "I do not see why you will not listen to reason--" Delenn held up a hand. "If all you wish is to harangue me, then I shall retire..." she said tiredly, making as if to move past him. He shook his head. "No...there is something more." He guided her over to one of the long benches that lined the main hall and helped her to sit. When she was settled, he moved next to her and took a deep breath. "I have just finished speaking to Marcus.." he began. She nodded tightly, knowing that a report from Babylon 5 would follow..schooling her features in preparation. It didn't help. "Hedronn...is in a bad state. Marcus says that he is dying." Delenn's hand flew to her mouth in shock. "We warned him...I *told* him not to make the journey..that he was too old." she was stone still. "This is my fault." she whispered, her eyes wide in that hollow face. Rathenn had known she would say that. He was shaking his head. "Delenn.." She cut him off. "No, it is true Rathenn. He went to Babylon 5 because *someone* needed to go. Entil'Zha..specifically. He took my place at the ceremony because *I* was too much of a coward to go myself. It was my duty to go, to stand at Lavenn's funeral as Ranger One. I was selfish...he was too old to make the journey." Her fists were clenched in tight balls. "If there is blame, it lies with me." Rathenn said firmly. "Neither of you should have gone. Not Hedronn..and not you.." he gestured towards her belly. " I was the most suitable...and while I do not have the prestige of Entil'Zha or Satai, it would have been satisfactory." He sighed then. "Delenn, it is past. It is done. We cannot take it back. It only remains now to do something about the present. Marcus says that Hedronn will not survive the return journey...and he has requested your presence at his deathbed." Delenn was too upset to notice that Rathenn had finally used her name instead of her title. She sat there, pale as a ghost, her eyes fixed on a distant point. She had known that someday she would not be able to avoid Babylon 5 ..that she would have to face it ...and it's Captain ,again. She had hoped...that it would not have to be so soon. Her eyes fell to the swell of her belly, and she swallowed. There was no way out, he would know as soon as he saw her...that she had lied, again. That she had kept this from him...this, her greatest secret. Her eyes closed, shutting out the sight of their child growing inside her. After Z'Ha'Dum, he had turned from her...tolerating her only out of necessity through the rest of the War. When it was over..she had returned to Minbar, carrying new life...and a new secret. She had known what would happen if she had told him. He would have felt obligated towards her, responsible...and the resentment would have grown. He would eventually transfer that resentment to their son..it was better this way. He was not chained to her, and she still had something of him that was hers.It was wrong, and it was selfish.....and she could have done nothing differently. That would all change as soon as he saw her. He could count as well as she, he would know that their last sweet union had sparked life. She could not restrain a small smile at that memory, at least she had that. Her memories. The way that it was between them before he found out about her greatest half-truth. The information that she had kept from him, from them all, simply to ensure that they fight the Shadows. He couldn't know how much it had hurt to hold back that information..how it kept her awake at nights, hovered over her shoulder like a specter, and colored every aspect of her life with guilt. The Vorlons had insisted, and she had reluctantly agreed that it was the only way...even if it was against everything she had been raised to believe. He hadn't asked why she had done what she had done. He had been too angry...too torn apart by the "second" death he had to endure of his wife. The war had ended soon after, and he had avoided her like the plague during that last month. She hadn't started to show yet when she had left for Minbar...and he hadn't paid enough attention to her to notice the early signs. It hurt. It hurt every waking minute of every day. She still loved him just as much as she had before he had turned away. It was like half of her had been ripped away by the look of betrayal in his eyes on Z'Ha'Dum. She had moved through life since, a ghost of her self, barely interested in life, self-hatred her constant companion. The Rangers had remained active after the Shadow War, helping, cleaning up and gathering information. She had retained her position as Ranger One only because they all insisted, but she was little more than a figurehead. Rathenn did most of the work that was required. It wasn't fair to him, she knew, with the students he still taught plus the added workload of organizing the Ranger's activities in the Galaxy. But it was necessary, and Rathenn understood necessity. She suspected that they thought she would return to herself once the child was born, that it was all a case of human emotions. She knew better. It was true that the pregnancy had made her more...vulnerable, but John's rejection and Lennier's death had done more to her state of mind than her condition had. She became aware of Rathenn, still sitting quietly, waiting for her to say something. She knew what she had to do. "I will go to Babylon 5, Rathenn. I have no choice." ********************* ___________________________________________________________________ Dear Earthforce, Hate you, hate the Alliance, taking B4..... --The One --------------- MESSAGE b5-creative.v001.n177.6 --------------- From: "Analise Hairabedian" Subject: Wasted Time Part 2 Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 16:19:14 +0000 It was the WhiteStar itself that carried Ranger One away from Minbar. She did not captain it, that fell to a human Ranger named Kelcey. He had been one of the very first to join the Rangers, one of the first to believe in the Prophecy that she and Sinclair had followed so diligently. He sat his chair, trying not to stare at Entil'Zha. He had forgotten how beautiful she was ...and her pregnancy (he hadn't known about that!) seemed only to enhance that beauty. Her hair was much, much longer than the last time he had seen her, and it streamed freely down and across her shoulders falling just short of her waist. She seemed so sad, so wistful...it made him want to protect her, to guard her from harm. Her current state must be why she was rarely seen in public these days...he never would have guessed that *this* was the reason for her withdrawal from society. He had heard that she never left the Temple at all. John Sheridan, that fool...he must be the father. Kelcey spent a great deal of time on B5, and the man had never even mentioned Delenn in passing. The Captain of Babylon 5 was branded worse than an idiot in Kelcey's eyes...for discarding Delenn, and now..seeing her like this..for letting her bear this burden alone. He did not know the whole story, he warned himself. One should not make judgements with half-facts...but that aside, he still found himself fully in Delenn's camp. That pretty little Minbari, La'Shan, was at Delenn's elbow now, leaning over and whispering something to her. Delenn seemed a million miles away, her green eyes distant..but she nodded. And then La'Shan was helping Delenn up, and they both walked out. He sighed and returned his attention to the ship. The only other human on the bridge looked over at him with raised brows, but said nothing. The Minbari did not gossip, it was considered petty and dishonorable...but humans..no matter how much time they spent among their alien comrades..couldn't help themselves. Alan looked like he was dying to talk about Ranger One's surprising condition. Kelcey knew he would not oblige him. He returned to his thoughts. Delenn had not been back to B5 since the War had ended over seven months ago. When asked, Marcus was reticent on the subject..responding in vagaries fit for a vorlon. He would only say that he highly doubted that anything short of the end of the Universe would get Ranger One back on the Station. No one would speak of what had happened between the Captain and the Minbari Ambassador..whether that was because no one knew, or because no one was saying..he couldn't tell. She had disappeared into the Temple soon after her return to her home world..seen only by the few she allowed near her. When he had heard about this voyage, he had volunteered immediately...though he still did not know what had happened to make her suddenly want to return to B5. He glanced at the panel to his left. 12 hours to go before they reached Babylon 5 space. He had a feeling that it was going to be a notable visit, no matter what happened. Delenn lay back on the bed, cradling her stomach with both hands. It was causing her undue discomfort lately, she noted as another lance of pain shot through her. She closed her eyes and attempted to concentrate on meditation. It was nearly impossible to calm her mind. Soon now she would be back on the Station. She would have to deal not only with Hedronn's condition...but also John Sheridan...and his reaction to*her* condition. She felt unwelcome tears well up under her eyelids and she tried, unsuccessfully, to stem them. Why had things turned out this way? She had known from the beginning that the Prophecy and the War would probably make things difficult for the delicate thing that was growing between her and the Captain..but she had always retained the small hope that it would all work out. Foolishly naive. That's what she was. She had set herself up for the fall, as they said on Earth. She pushed herself up on her elbows as another pain snaked up her abdomen . When it was over, she let out her breath..wondering briefly if it was normal as she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks.. Her Healer had not mentioned anything like this...and she knew that she still had a little under a month before she could expect to give birth. She lay back again and tried once more to meditate. Again, she failed. Images of John's face when he had found out ...the betrayal in his eyes..it still cut her to the bone. The dream replaying that awful, awful moment had become an almost constant nighttime visitor..and it had reached the point where she was afraid to sleep. She stared up at the vaulted ceiling, a memory of another time on this ship returning unbidden to the forefront of her mind. John on the bunk next to her, worried, upset, afraid..letting her see who he was..letting down his barriers, telling her his secrets. Telling her about the things that made him who he was. She had loved him so much in that moment, she would have done anything for him, followed him anywhere. Thankfully, the pains seemed to have faded, and she was able to finally slip into a light meditative trance..calming her mind. Hedronn. She wondered briefly if he was doing this on purpose to get her to return to Babylon 5. He had been one of the most vocally against her self imposed exile at the Temple. He had told her more than once that she should simply return to B5, confront the Captain and work it out. If you give him a chance to hear you, for you to hear him'..he had said forcefully, you could both be happy again..the Universe will not do this for you..it will not wait forever, Delenn'. You did not see his eyes, she had thought silently each time he had tried to convince her to face John. Eventually, she had had enough...and after a particularly icy rage she had flown into, no one had brought up the idea again. Her mind carefully closed itself to any thoughts of the Captain at all, and she slipped into a light doze...unconsciously guarding herself against any unwanted dreams. Soon enough, she would have to face him again..and then she wouldn't need the dream to remember the look in his eyes, it would be right in front of her. ****************************** Marcus stood at the Com in Susan's rooms, staring at the afterimage of Rathenn on the screen. He had signed off well over 5 minutes ago, but Marcus had not moved. He continued to gaze at the screen without seeing it. So, she was finally coming here. He had no doubt that whatever happened in the next few days would either heal them both...or widen the gap between them beyond any hope of repair. He snapped out of it, and glanced at the chrono. Time to visit Hedronn and tell him that Delenn was coming. The sly old fox had managed to get Delenn to return to B5 after all. It was just unfortunately ironic that his methods were so tragic. Marcus shook his head as he left Susan's quarters. Hedronn was of the belief that if John and Delenn just talked...everything would work out. He wasn't so sure about that, personally. He had spent a great deal more time with Sheridan than Hedronn ever had..and the man *never* mentioned Delenn's name. He refused to let others mention it either. The one time Marcus had tried to bring it up, Sheridan had stormed out of the room. But even so, it was clear that the Captain was suffering as well. He hid it better than Delenn, but he was definitely thinner...and completely humorless. Something had died in his eyes after the War...especially after Z'Ha'Dum. Marcus himself had only barely survived..and poor Lennier...well, that still hurt. The lift doors opened and he stepped inside, barely noticing his surroundings. He wondered how Sheridan was going to react to Delenn's ..condition. That made him wince internally....not good...definitely not good, he thought. No one had thought it was a good idea for her to hide her pregnancy from him...but Marcus thought he could understand. Delenn had been feeling very vulnerable and alone....she didn't trust herself or John to deal rationally with the fact of her pregnancy at that time. But a lie was a lie...and while she had not directly lied about her state, neither had she volunteered the information..and that was near to the same thing. The doors slid open and Marcus headed for Medlab. He paused in the doorway as he saw Sheridan himself standing next to Hedronn's bedside. He considered waiting in the hallway..for Sheridan didn't seem to take kindly to Marcus's presence these days for some reason..but John half turned, noticing him. He waved him inside and the tall Ranger moved to stand on the other side of the bed. Hedronn's normally pudgy figure was gaunt and thin now, his complexion sallow and bruised-looking. Marcus took up his hand and squeezed it. He would wait until Sheridan left before he informed the old Satai about Delenn. "Well, I'll leave you two alone. I have work to do.." Sheridan's rough velvet voice sounded tired. Marcus looked up at him and nodded. The Captain looked down at Hedronn then. "I hope you feel better soon, sir. And I appreciate your concern...but, no disrespect intended..its none of your business.." he said. Then, looking up briefly at Marcus again, he spun and walked out..but not before Marcus had seen the flash of pain in his gaze. "Marcus" Hedronn's voice was so soft, he had to lean down slightly. "Is she coming?" The Ranger nodded. "Yes Satai. She'll be here in about 12 hours." He looked up in the direction Sheridan had gone. "What was he doing here?" "I asked him to come.." Hedronn chuckled weakly. "I may just be a romantic old fool, but I want to see Delenn smile again before I die. I thought..perhaps..I could talk to him..find out what happened...but he is young and stubborn..as bad as she is." Marcus smiled gently. "Youth and stubbornness are hardly exclusive of each other.." He said, looking pointedly at the old Minbari. Hedronn wheezed out a laugh that left him momentarily breathless. "Point taken Marcus...why else would I be burying myself so deeply into...as the good Captain says..something that's not "my business"?" "Because you care?" Marcus smiled. "*And* because you're even more stubborn than either one of them?" "Hmmmph..you should show more respect for your elders ..boy." Hedronn was slipping into sleep before his eyes. "I hope Delenn hurries..." he whispered as he closed his eyes in exhaustion. "I would like to see her ....and there's not much time left..." his last word faded into deep breathing and Marcus gently released his hand and quietly left the room. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. It was inevitable, he supposed. After all, Hedronn was nearly 200 years old..but it still hurt. He left Medlab, debating whether or not he should tell the Captain about Delenn's visit at all. He would find out soon enough, and perhaps silence on the matter would delay events. Then again, it might also make things worse to have him think of her sneaking onto the station. It was a toss up, he figured. He would ask Susan her opinion. She was sure to have one. ****************************** John Sheridan left Medlab, his thoughts quietly furious. Why everyone and their brother felt it necessary to interfere in his life, he just didn't know. Perhaps he wore a sign on his back asking for unwanted advice. Now even people he barely knew were bothering him. He had been surprised when the old Minbari Satai had asked to see him, but he hadn't guessed that the man would tell him to talk with....her. He took a deep breath as the pain lanced through his heart again. He could still see every detail of her face, her form..he could hear her voice if he closed his eyes, ..smell her scent without trying. Many months had passed and still the pain was as fresh and ever-present as it had been when she had vanished from the Station. She lied to you, she didn't trust you..he told himself again...the litany he used whenever he missed her so deeply it hurt. He had trusted *her*..with his life, he had said. To find out that she had known..that she had been keeping the information a secret so that they would fight the Shadows...no, it was too much. With hindsight..he could understand it, and strategically, it was the only thing that she could have done..but she had not trusted him with the information. That was what hurt. She betrayed him..and Anna....that had been too much. He paused in the hall and leaned against the wall briefly, hoping no one saw. God, why did it have to hurt so badly? Swallowing, he pulled himself together and moved on. He knew he still loved her more than anything...a fact he admitted to himself only late in the night, in the darkness. He knew that he only wanted her to come back...to explain to him..to make it all alright. But he had sealed that door himself with his treatment of her during the last month of the War. She would not return to the Station. He had told himself clever lies..that she had only used him to fight for her, that it had all been deceit...but he never really believed himself. He relived the pain in her gaze when he had refused to talk to her after Z'Ha'Dum....relived it every time he closed his eyes, every time he passed the gardens...every time he looked at a Ranger uniform. He gritted his teeth. Get over it once and for all, John. With luck, you will never see her again, and eventually the pain will fade. He moved on down the hall, his heart not believing a word of what he told himself. ************************** La'Shan watched the 5 mile long station spin slowly in place over Epsilon III. It had been a long time since she had been here. She glanced impassively at the Captain of the WhiteStar as he relayed the orders putting them in a holding pattern around Babylon 5. He mooned after Entil'Zha, she knew, but it was harmless. La'Shan had little patience for such nonsense, the man should know better. Her gaze returned to the Station, noting that all the damage it had sustained during the War had been repaired. When she had last seen it, there had been large portions of it missing..now it looked normal again. She spun from her place at the viewport and headed across the floor towards the door. Time to inform Delenn that they had arrived. She was glad for it. Entil'Zha had not looked well at all during the trip..and she was concerned that the woman was hiding something from her. A few minutes later, La'Shan entered the rooms that Delenn had been given. The Captain's own quarters. The Minbari Healer had told Delenn that a regular bed was better for her condition..and so Kelcey had loaned her his rooms. As she walked into the main room, she caught a glimpse of Ranger One standing at the viewport, clutching her swollen belly, a look of discomfort on her face. As soon as she saw La'Shan, she straightened, her face smoothed ..but the Ranger knew what she had seen. "Entil'Zha!"She exclaimed, moving to Delenn's side. "Are you alright?" She guided her to a chair and forced her to sit. "I am fine, La'Shan" she said tightly, white lines of pain around her mouth. "He was kicking..that's all" . She would not meet La'Shan's blue eyes. The young Ranger sighed inwardly. The woman was stubborn. There was nothing she could do short of watching her every second. "We have arrived at Babylon 5.." she said finally, noting the fear that passed over Ranger One's face..watching as it was replaced by determination. "A shuttle is being prepared for you. We can go anytime you wish." "Of course, thank you La'Shan. In a moment." She sighed softly and stood, rubbing her lower back as she did so. La'Shan was stuck by her exotic beauty again...even through the pale, hollow cheeked exhaustion that the woman wore like a cloak..she was still stunning. A fierce wave of protectiveness swept the young Ranger again. She would see to it that Delenn was safe, and if she could..that Delenn was happy. "Alright...I'm ready." she said, her voice giving lie the statement. La'Shan nodded, and they left the room together. Seeing the Station again as the shuttle expelled itself from the WhiteStar's bay, was more of a shock than she had thought it would be. The sight of it spinning silently in its orbit around the rust colored planet below brought back every memory of every time she had seen it such. She remembered her first arrival here so many years ago..its similarity to the mysterious Station that had appeared with Valen in the old records..and the implications of that fact. She had been a different person then. If that Delenn could see her now..what would she say? She would probably be horrified that she could ever show such frailty and weakness as to be pining over a human Captain, that she could be regretting actions that had been necessary to the survival of the Galaxy. She had been so wrapped in her pride then, so determined to do what was expected regardless of the price. Such arrogance..such blind presumption. Delenn would give anything the be that person again. It might not hurt so much then. She noticed La'Shan looking at her with concern in her eyes, and she mustered a smile. The young Ranger had been a rock, an anchor in the tossing sea of her self-doubt. She never really showed her appreciation properly. Delenn reached out and squeezed La'Shan's hand, noting the brief surprise in the pretty face. And then La'Shan squeezed back, reaching out with her other hand the enfold Delenn's warmly with both. Her eyes spoke of compassion and fierce loyalty. A devotion that bolstered Delenn's flagging spirit. Without words, La'Shan told her that she would remain with her..no matter what came, Delenn would not have to face her trials alone. Commander Ivanova watched with more than a little trepidation as the shuttle maneuvered into position to dock. Marcus had told her that Delenn was going to be arriving and they had discussed what to do about it until late last night. In the end, they determined that they would keep it quiet. If Sheridan ran into her...he ran into her..and they would face the consequences then. When it came right down to it, they were both cowards, Susan thought disgustedly to herself. It was the right thing to do to let the Captain know what was taking place on his Station..but he was so hard to communicate with anymore...and the subject of Delenn was something no one wanted to broach. Delenn's condition made things even more difficult. She hadn't known about that until last night..and it had shocked her to the core. What the Captain would do if he found out...well, that fact had been the deciding one for her. *She* wasn't going to be the one to tell him. She hadn't even berated Marcus for not telling her earlier. That was just something she didn't want to know about, and she understood why he had kept it quiet. The shuttle disappeared under her through the docking bay doors, and she switched to internal monitors...watching it carefully as it moved into position to dock. The next few days were going to be very touchy..she hoped that they hadn't just lit a fuse by not telling the Captain. If that particular bomb went off..she feared that the rifts it caused would never heal. ************************ Marcus was waiting when Delenn disembarked. He swallowed when he saw her. She looked so thin...regardless of her state. Even the petite La'Shan looked large next to her. She walked slowly, the hood of her robe hiding her features, the fall of the fabric doing little to disguise her state. Two more Rangers followed Delenn and La'Shan, their eyes scanning the room. He moved forward and pulled Delenn into an embrace without speaking, shocked to feel the bones of her shoulders through the robes she wore. His eyes met La'Shan's over the top of Delenn's head and he didn't like the concern he read there. Something was wrong..above and beyond the obvious. He pulled back and looked down into her hollow eyes. She tried to smile at him. "Marcus, it is good to see you again." he lifted the hood away from her face and stared at her. "You don't look well, Delenn. Perhaps you should visit the doctor when you go to see Hedronn." he suggested hopefully. She ignored the remark. "How is he?" she asked. Marcus shook his head sadly. "Not good, I'm afraid. I think you may have arrived just in time." "Well, then lets not dawdle." she said, stepping away and around him. La'Shan followed her and with a sigh, Marcus did the same. She hadn't asked about Sheridan, he hadn't thought she would. Well, it was in the hands of fate now...if only fate cared. "He looks so...pale." Delenn whispered. She had taken a seat at Hedronn's bedside and pulled his thin hand into hers. The old Satai was sleeping, and she hadn't wanted to wake him. She stared at him for a long while and then shook her head in shame. "I am sorry old friend. This was not your place to end..so far from your home. You are paying the price for my cowardice." "It is not your place to take the troubles of the world onto your shoulders, Delenn." his thin voice rasped out. She blinked as he opened his eyes and looked at her. He smiled weakly and lifted his free hand to touch her cheek.She pressed her face into his caress, not caring that tears were spilling across his fingers. "I should never have allowed you to make this journey Hedronn. It was my place, not yours." "I knew the consequences of my actions Delenn. Do not presume to take responsibility for my decisions." he said, frowning admonishingly. She shook her head. "That won't work, old friend. I know what I have done." She dashed the tears from her cheeks angrily. "I do not think you do, Delenn." he said, looking her in the eye. "You are suffering needlessly...and so is he." Delenn frowned. "That is not the topic of discussion here. I do not see how it is any of your business." she said tightly. Hedronn shook his head against the pillows. "No Delenn. You will not intimidate me into silence. I am dying, I will say what I wish to say." She drew herself up then, her lips pressed together in a thin line. He did not let go of her hand when she tried to draw it away. "You hurt yourself, you hurt him and you hurt the child. If you do not try the mend that which is torn...you do the Universe a disservice. Those around you are all affected by your actions...*both* of your actions. You and the Captain should be together, not just for yourselves..but for your child and your friends who cannot bear to see you suffer." "Hedronn..." Delenn said harshly.. "*I* do not wish to ....be apart from him...but he wishes it...and no matter how much I might want it otherwise..that is a truth." One small hand had come to rest on the top of her stomach..almost protectively. "You have done nothing to mend the rift between you. It is still salvageable, Delenn. If it were not, then Sheridan would not be walking about like a condemned man as he has been since you returned to Minbar." Marcus spoke up for the first time since they had entered the room. Her gaze snapped up to the dark-haired Ranger's face...eyes wide. "You do not understand.." she whispered harshly. She wrenched her hand from Hedronn's grasp and stood. "You...*cannot* understand.... neither of you saw his face. *I* did. It was directed at me..the hatred, the mistrust. That is not something that fades. I betrayed him..and he will never forgive me." "Talk to him, explain....I think he will listen, Delenn.." Marcus pleaded. She was no longer hearing. Hedronn tried again. "Please Delenn. Go to him...before it is too late. I would like the see you happy again before I die..." She was already gone. Hedronn's weak gaze moved to Marcus who could only shake his head in despair. "Perhaps it was not meant to be, Satai." Marcus said quietly. Hedronn could only sigh. "There is no "meant to be", Marcus. There only *is*.Delenn has forgotten that." She forced leaden limbs to carry her out of the room, through the main Lab and out into the hall. As soon as the doors slid shut behind her, she took a deep breath, bringing up her hands to clutch her belly and shutting her eyes briefly. Something, some instinct..made her open them again. He was standing there, in the hall. She froze, her heart leaping to her throat. He was so...beautiful to her. Every muscle in her body tensed in its desire to throw itself into his arms. His gaze raked her figure from head to toe, lingering on the swell of her abdomen, and then back to her eyes. Slowly, she let her hands fall to her side...letting him look at her clearly. Her chin rose a bit and through sheer will, she kept her gaze steady. They stood there, several paces apart, a chill silence hanging between them that could have frozen a man. His mouth opened, then shut with a snap. He spun and stalked off without a word. As soon as he was out of sight, all the strength seemed to leak out of her and she slumped back against the wall. One hand came up to stifle the wrenching sob that threatened to burst from her lips. Somehow, it had been even worse than the worst scenario she had played in her mind. The silence had been as sharp as a knife, and it had stabbed her cleanly in the heart. She pushed herself away from the wall, and stumbled blindly off in the opposite direction. Everything she had feared about visiting B5 had just come to pass in the span of a moment. ********************************* From: "Analise Hairabedian" Subject: Wasted Time Part 3 Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 16:20:38 +0000 When Delenn had hurried out of Medlab, La'Shan had not followed her, thinking that she needed to be alone. She had taken the opportunity to approach Marcus instead. Hedronn had slipped back into sleep and Marcus gestured her out of the room before they started talking. "She doesn't look well..is she alright?" he asked her once they were in the main room. La'Shan sighed. "I don't know. She is experiencing some pain, but she has told me that it is just the child kicking. I am not sure I believe her..there is something about her....I don't know." La'Shan spread her hands helplessly. Marcus looked about. "Where did she go?" he asked. "Out into the hall. She looked like she wanted to be alone. What did Hedronn say to her?" "Nothing that shouldn't have been said a long time ago." he sighed again. "Sometimes I wonder if the rest of us are not as much to blame as they are for this mess. If we hadn't walked around them on eggshells, maybe it wouldn't have gotten this out of hand.Its like we're all expecting the Universe to just...works things out for them.."" "We can't make that kind of decision."the small Ranger said firmly. " After all, only they can heal themselves..its not our place." Marcus had peeked out into the hall while she was talking. He looked back at her with a frown. "Maybe not..." he said, and then: "She's not out here.." La'Shan's eyes widened and she hurried out into the hall, checking down and around each corner. Delenn was gone. "By Valen!" La'Shan cursed. "I should have known better..." Marcus was already moving down the hall, his cloak swirling around him in his haste. "Come on!" he snapped. "We have to find her." Delenn still remembered every last nook and cranny of the Station like she had just been here yesterday. She knew she was running away, acting the coward again...but it seemed all she could do. She was unconsciously heading towards the Zen garden..a place that had always soothed her She gritted her teeth as another pain tore through her. Not again. She endured it, still moving..until the next one stopped her dead..doubling her over with its intensity. She was left gasping, tears of pain on her cheeks. She had to get away from ...him..his hatred..from them all. Their expectations. Hedronn telling her that she was responsible for the pain of those around her...John's contemptuous gaze....it was too much. She was dizzy as the pain receded again, leaving her blinking at her surroundings. So far, she had not been spotted...she was keeping to side corridors..avoiding any chance of a second encounter with the Captain of Babylon 5. The smell of green, growing things reached her flaring nostrils as she gulped for air. The garden. Iron claws tore though her soft insides again as she stumbled though the entrance. She forced herself to stay on her feet, reason dulling with the agony. A small part of her, the part that was still rational, was telling her that she needed a doctor. That she needed help...this wasn't normal. But the tiny voice was overwhelmed by the roar of the pain in her ears. She tripped over the hem of her robes and lurched into the bench that sat on the edge of the sand pool.The stone was cool under her hands ...and then she was falling..past the bench...landing in the grass and gravel of the Garden path. Dimly, she felt a wetness on her thighs a heaviness in her limbs and she crawled further into the shelter of the hedges lining the garden. She could move no further, the pain was one steady scream now. Collapsing, she let the darkness overwhelm her. Medlab, Ivanova thought, as she walked out of the lift. Why would the Captain have returned to see Hedronn? He had already visited the old Minbari once..and the conversation they had apparently had made Sheridan furious for hours. Odd that he would want to see him again. Bad timing too, surely if Delenn was anywhere on the Station, it would be there. If she had known that the Captain was going to go down there, she would have at least gone with him. She rounded the last corner in time the see La'Shan and Marcus speaking urgently with another Ranger she didn't recognize. She approached them, a slight frown on her face. "Has the Captain been here?" She asked. All three Rangers looked worried. She looked at Marcus. "Whats wrong?" Marcus opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped, his brows coming down as he took in what she had just said. "The Captain? Was he coming here?" he asked a little apprehensively. "That's what Corwin said.." she folded her arms against herself. "Why? Whats going on?" Marcus spun to exchange looks with La'Shan. Silence filled the hall. "Marcus!" Susan said sharply. "Delenn is gone..she was in the hall....and now..." he lifted his hands helplessly. "You think she ran into John?" Susan asked. She looked down the corridor. "Maybe they went somewhere to talk?" there was hope in her voice. Marcus stared at her. "Do you really believe that? I've gotten the impression from him that if he saw Delenn again ..they wouldn't head to the nearest cafe to chat." Susan's expression fell. "No.." she said softly, "I haven't gotten that impression either." La'Shan was paying no attention to their conversation. She cast her head about, and then trotted off down one direction of the hall. "La'Shan! Wait!" Susan called as Marcus and Kelcey moved off in the opposite direction. She sped after the petite Minbari...lifting her link to call the Captain. Maybe they *were* together. There was no response...he had taken the thing off. That was a bad sign. She caught up with the young Ranger. "I think I know where she might have gone.." she said. "Then take me there.." came the soft accented voice. Delenn was drifting in and out of consciousness, the ripping pain her only companion in the little niche she had curled herself into. She was so cold...so tired. The only warmth was the pool of blood she lay in. Voices swirled around her, faces, events...past, present and future seemed to be merging. John's face over hers, looking down on her with such love. It had seemed the only constant in the Universe...his love. Who would have thought it so fragile? She could feel the pounding of her heart, throbbing in her ears...pumping her life out on to the grass with each new beat. It was well, she thought. The pain would end. The life inside her...if they found her soon, they could save it. John would have his son without having the burden of her to go along with him. It was one way to atone for her deceit. Martyr, a voice hissed in her head. Self-sacrificing...self-pitying fool! Stand up! Be strong! Stop being a victim of your own cowardice! You did what you had the do, be proud, not ashamed! She wanted to press her hands to her ears, but that would not keep the accusing voice out. It was all within. "No" she moaned aloud. "It is better this way.." her voice was a ragged whisper with no one the hear. The pain was becoming distant...she was starting to feel disconnected from her body. If she tried, she felt like she could push away from her flesh and look down on herself. She was close, so close. Voices again..unintelligible, muttering...swirling in eddies around her. A touch on her face, on her arm..exclamations...someone was yelling something...Hands on her, lifting, soothing, stroking her hair back from her face. And then she slipped away. Ivanova's lips were white from pressing together so hard. How anyone could lose that much blood and still live...she didn't know. Delenn looked like a figure straight out of a horror vid. Her white robes were soaked in scarlet, her skin bone pale. Where were those medics? Damn! It wasn't like Medlab was that far away! La'Shan was bending over the unconscious woman, trying to make her more comfortable, whispering something to her in Minbari, stroking sweat-soaked strands of hair out of her pale face. And then the medics burst through the entrance to the garden and swarmed around Delenn. La'Shan was pushed to the side as the Doctor tried to stabilize his new patient. "She's hemorrhaging.." he muttered to himself.."We need to get her some blood, NOW!" As one, the medics lifted Delenn onto a stretcher ..just as Marcus and Kelcey came skidding to a stop at the doorway. Marcus went pale when he saw the blood. "Oh God, Delenn!" he exclaimed. The medics shoved him aside as they rushed her unconscious form back to the Medlab. In a moment, the garden was silent again..leaving four stunned people standing there. La'Shan was covered in Delenn's blood, her eyes were filled with tears. Like a sleepwalker, she trailed after the medics, Kelcey moving to her side. Marcus and Susan were left standing alone on the bloody grass. "This is my fault.." Marcus whispered. "I should have told him...I should have done *something*....not just hoped that everything would be alright.." his eyes narrowed then. "Where is he?" his voice had dropped an octave lower..threateningly. Susan snapped her head around and stared at the dark-haired Ranger. "You're blaming this on *him*?" she asked, shocked. Marcus only spun and strode out of the garden, his cloak billowing behind him. Susan caught him before he could leave, the fury in her gaze matching his as she caught his arm and spun him around. "He was devastated by Delenn's actions...he trusted her with his *life*, and she still kept information from him...information that could have saved lives!" she hissed, her brown eyes boiling. "And then...and then, she gets pregnant..with *his* child, and keeps *that* from him too?!" She held up one furious finger as Marcus opened his mouth to defend Delenn, he shut it again. "I can see why she did it. I can see it objectively enough to know that she did what she did during the War because she believed she *had-no-choice* ...AND I can see why she kept the pregnancy a secret afterwards...after the way he treated her after Z'Ha'Dum..." She stopped then, taking a deep breath, her eyes still glowing with anger. "But ..if *I* can see both sides...can see that they are *both* suffering...that they *both* made mistakes...so can YOU." she emphasized the last word by poking her finger into his chest. "This whole thing has gone on long enough! You don't know John as well as I do, and I can see that he has suffered the past months every bit as much as Delenn has...but he's a *man*" her eyes narrowed at Marcus as she said the last word..putting him in the same category. "And he refuses to admit to himself that he still loves her...his pride won't let him...not after she just took off back to Minbar without even *trying* the explain herself..." Marcus finally cut her off, his own temper rising the match hers. They stood chest the chest in the small, blood soaked garden, their eyes spitting fire at each other. "Enough! You can defend him all you want! Delenn has suffered like no one I've ever seen since she left Babylon 5! Carrying that secret during the War was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do..keeping that information to herself..it ate at her *every damn day*." He was shouting, not caring who heard. "He wouldn't even *look* at her after Z'Ha'Dum....do you know what that did to her? Do you? Finding out she was pregnant was the icing on the cake! She couldn't tell him and watch his face fall at the thought of the responsibility she was handing him. Shackled to someone he didn't love anymore..in fact *hated* now. THAT'S how she felt. You'd bloody well run away too!" There were angry tears in his eyes. He stopped then, took a deep breath to calm himself. Ivanova was shaking her head. "Marcus" she began, "fighting with each other about who was right and who was wrong..its pointless. They were both right, and they were both wrong. And now its all too late, because Delenn is..."she trailed off, her voice sounded tired and defeated. She folded her arms across her chest and looked at her feet..immediately regretting the action as she saw the blood on the grass and was reminded of just how much blood the small woman had lost. Delenn was in all probability, dying...and they were arguing uselessly. She looked back up at him, wincing at the grief and sense of helplessness in his eyes. She had forgotten that Hedronn too, was dying. Marcus loved that old Minbari..and he loved Delenn...it was unlikely that either of them would last the next 12 hours. She curled her arms around him, burying her face into his chest and fighting tears. Where had everything gone so wrong? John Sheridan stood in the doorway of the garden, unnoticed by either of them. He had come back looking for Delenn, and had instead come across Marcus and Susan, arguing loudly enough the bring half the Station down around their heads. At first, he had wanted to go in there and defend himself.....and then....Susan had said something that tore him to his soul. They were both right, and they were both wrong'. God. It was true. Both he and Delenn had been waiting for the other to come forward and apologize first...and then it had become a matter of pride and self-defense. The only way they could deal with their own broken hearts was to close themselves off...and it had made matters worse.....and worse. Seeing Delenn in the hallway outside Medlab had been similar to having his lungs ripped out and stuffed down his throat. At first all he had seen was her...so beautiful..he hadn't forgotten. So beautiful he could hardly stand it. Her hair was longer, he noticed almost offhandedly. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright from grief..she must have come to see Hedronn. He hadn't even thought about that...but it made sense. And then his eyes had seen the unmistakable bulge of her stomach under the white robes she wore. Her previous betrayal was suddenly...nothing. So she had kept this from him too? He had been unable to speak...could barely think. Instead, he had run. Just turned and left her standing there. He had walked and walked. Not seeing anyone he passed in the halls, not noticing anything beyond the small tunnel his vision had receded into. He was too shocked for tears, too stunned for temper...instead he just walked and walked. When he'd finally stopped, he found himself back where he started..in front of Medlab. She wasn't here any longer, of course...but the fact that he'd wanted her to be...that he knew that he couldn't discover what he had discovered, and just ignore it...told him he *needed* to find her. He'd headed off towards the garden, a place that he'd usually been able to find her in the past when she was upset. And he had no doubt in his mind that she was upset, the look in her eyes when she'd seen him had spoken volumes. He'd only just now started to decipher those volumes. He turned the corner out of sight, just as the Med team rushed Delenn into the Medlab. Now he stood at the entrance to the garden and stared at Marcus and Ivanova embracing without even seeing them. He was seeing the blood on the grass ....hearing Susan's words.. ..... seeing Marcus's concern. It clicked. He ran. "Godamnit!" Stephan yelled, "get that IV over here NOW. We're losing her!" People were scrambling everywhere. La'Shan and Kelcey just tried to stay out of the way so they wouldn't be made to leave. La'Shan noticed Hedronn through the glass of Intensive. He'd been watching the goings on with tears in his eyes. She'd been torn between being near Delenn and being near the old Satai. After a moment, she went inside the small glass room. Wordlessly, she took his hand in hers. She clung to him like a lifeline, praying silently, her eyes glued to Delenn as if staring at her hard enough would keep her alive. "I tried to tell her.." Hedronn whispered, his voice weak and sad...so sad. "The Universe would not wait for her...for either of them. They wasted their chance. Both of them."" La'Shan had to bend to hear him and his words made her throat close. "Delenn's road led here...to this end. She forgot something important when she fell in love with him....that the Universe does nothing for you...you must do it yourself. We..*are*..the Universe made manifest..." his voice was getting softer and softer. Voices were floating into the small room from the main lab. "We need to get the baby out of there.." " She's not going to make it...we have to save the child.." "Dammit NO! We have to save *both*..." "Pulse rate is dropping...she's going, doctor.." "WHERE is that blood coming from! She's got different arteries...." " The baby is coming, doctor!" "If it comes now...she WILL die! Give me 20cc's of Metazine...STAT!" "Doctor! That might kill them *both*!" The hectic conversation drifted into an incoherent buzz. La'Shan watched. She watched Delenn's eyes open slightly through the crowd of medics. The green gaze seemed to go right through the people around her. It was cloudy, faded...loosing its light. La'Shan pressed her fist to her mouth, holding back a sob. She had seen that look before in the eyes of the dying. The look of someone seeing the Last Path opening for them. Delenn was seeing that Path...and something else. La'Shan shifted her eyes and followed Delenn's stare. John Sheridan stood stone still in the doorway. His eyes caught in Delenn's gaze. There were tears running down his cheeks. He didn't even seem to know that he was crying. He too, recognized the look of the dying in Delenn's eyes. She was bleeding the last of her life out onto the table. It was as if everything was frozen in place. He wasn't even aware of the doctors' frazzled communication anymore..it was as if they were in a vacuum. Sheridan walked across the room and even through the flurry of activity, people moved out of his way. He stood next to Delenn and took her hand. Their eyes met in that vacuum of silence and nothing mattered anymore. Not the past..not the present. John raised her hand to his lips, not breaking their gaze, and she moved a finger to touch the tears on his cheeks. And then her eyes faded...her fingers went slack. John closed his eyes tightly, still holding her hand to his face. He pressed his cheek into her lifeless palm and just stood there. Unaware of anything else...not even the weak squalls of his newborn son...not of the new flurry surrounding the next room as well where Hedronn had just passed away. No one touched him. Stephen laid a clean sheet over Delenn's ravaged body and gently closed her now dim emerald eyes. And still, he stood there. ******************* The Universe trundled on. Sheridan stood staring out at the stars, looking at the ship that would carry the bodies of Ranger One and Satai Hedronn back to Minbar. All had decided that both of them were heroes and should be given appropriate burial on their home world. Sheridan had agreed through his haze of grief. A touch on his arm. La'Shan. That was her name, he remembered..looking down on the pretty little Minbari ranger. She looked as grief stricken as he felt. She held a tiny blanket wrapped bundle in her arms. Wordless, she handed it to him, and he took it gently..reverently. She backed away a step, her eyes still on his, and then bowed. Then she turned slowly....moving like an old woman....and left him. But not alone. Time wasted. Those words kept rolling through his brain. It was amazing how little it mattered...the reasons they had been apart all this time. And the Universe trundled on. It took something like this to realize that more often than not, the Universe would not give you a second chance. They had both been stubborn...they had loved each other *too* much. Pride...pride and fear had kept them apart... and now it was too late. It helped that they had made silent amends. He had seen everything in her eyes at the last. She had loved him, always had. And it helped his grief to know that she had learned the same thing from him. He looked down. But this helped the most. David Sheridan lay sleeping in the crook of his arm. She had not left him alone, she had brought him this..this miracle. Even premature, David was strong. Stronger than any purely human child would be. Delenn had given him that. A human child would not have survived the violent birth that David had. And John was relieved the see that the baby had the beginnings of a tiny Minbari bonecrest on the back of his skull. Another gift from Delenn...and a reminder of her every time he saw it. He felt the tears burn in his eyes again as he looked at his son...their son. Delenn had never gotten to see him. That was the worst part. Worse than her death alone. He touched David's cheek gently, still amazed that part of him was inside this tiny creature. Comforted that part of Delenn was too. Star stuff, she had said so long ago. She had gone back to the stars, leaving a little bit of her behind. He managed a smile as David awoke and blinked up at him. Green eyes. Delenn's eyes. He hugged the baby gently the him. And the Universe trundled on. END ___________________________________________________________________ Dear Earthforce, Hate you, hate the Alliance, taking B4..... --The One