From fn62@dial.pipex.comFri Mar 22 12:42:44 1996 Date: Thu, 29 Feb 96 20:56:20 GMT From: Alison Hopkins Reply to: b5-creative@blob.best.net To: b5-creative@blob.best.net Subject: The Way of the Warrior Well, I keep picking at this, and if I do any more, I'll go crazy! I think the end is a little rushed.......but, Oh blow it. This was started before I saw MfE and has spoilers. It has also part of a sort-of-arc on the other list. If anyone is interested there is a follow up, which I could edit and post the first part of? It does stand alone...... Enough! *************************************************************************T he Way of the Warrior ..................................................................................................... "This is the Way of the Warrior.....when you fight, fight without fear, when you love, love without reservation." ....................................................................................................... And so, this time they had returned safely to the place that was fast becoming their only home. He had not been forced to destroy those he had once worked with, those whom he had counted friends. There was an awful certainty in his mind that time was running out for all of them and that some momentous decision was very close now. He could see only an uncertain future, one which was bleak and without hope. Sheridan was beginning to understand how Garibaldi had found forgetfulness in a bottle for all those years. The temptation to lose himself somewhere, anywhere, was stronger than any other thought. The past reverberated in his mind, offering little comfort. It had all seemed so simple once. Command a space station, become President Santiago's epitaph. Oh, and by the way, when he had a little free time, just check out the loyalties of a few people. Easy. A fool's job. And he was the fool, trapped somewhere between anger and despair. His mind was spinning as he turned over the threads of the past months. The images were spiralling through his soul, threatening to overwhelm him alone in the dark. *Z'Ha'Dum.* The Icarus had awakened something, an ancient evil which destroyed them. Death was the only desirable option, preferable to life as an abomination. *Sebastian.* A younger evil, but the Shadows' inheritance reborn. He wondered whether the inquisitor was dead now, finally absolved of the wickedness once done in the name of right. *Shadows* The evil was touching far too close to home. Mars, Ganymede, and where next? How much farther would it reach? He rubbed one hand over his eyes, too weary to sleep, and thought of asking Franklin to supply his own particular brand of chemical oblivion. Somehow, though, he doubted whether even sleeper drugs would stop the voices in his head. Theo had been right. Some belief, no matter how illogical or tenuous would have been a comfort. He walked across the room to sit on the couch, scooping up bottle and glass as he went. Setting both carefully down, he poured a neat inch in to the glass and sat, staring at it. There was only one person whose presence he wanted right now. The one who had been there, who knew what had happened, and who would understand. He stirred and pushed the call button on the comm unit "Ambassador Delenn." It was not her face that responded, but Lennier's. Sheridan could almost touch the disappointment he felt. Delenn's aide spoke before he could get the words out. "She is on her way to see you, Captain." He was taken aback by that. Was he really that transparent? He nodded thanks, hitting the cut off button, and sat, waiting. When the door chime sounded at last, he was on his feet, speaking before it finished. "Come. If it's you, Delenn?" Anyone else could go to hell. He knew that he was being unjust. Susan, and for that matter, Michael, had been frantic for his safety, but he was way past caring about fairness. She came through the door, a little warily. Her voice was uncertain, questioning. "I just wanted to see if you were alright?" She already knew that he was not. Delenn had used those words once before, after his rescue by Kosh. Then, he had felt hope and a glorious sense of having been offered a second chance. Now there was only darkness. "No. I'm not. I am not alright. It's all getting away from us, Delenn." He wanted to punch something, hard. Instead, he sat back down on the couch, body slumped. She came to sit next to him, hesitated for a moment, and then placed one gentle hand over his. "Where the hell is this all going to end? I nearly had to take out an Earth Alliance ship, today. *My* ship." Strange how Agamemnon still felt like his. He wondered whether that sense of ownership ever quite disappeared. "But you did not. You found the other way this time. You destroyed the Shadow ship." He nodded wearily and took a gulp of the brandy. It wasn't going to help. "This time. But what happens next time, Delenn? We've got lucky twice, but we don't know what the real answer is. Even you don't know enough about the Shadows. And if the Minbari, who fought them and beat them once, can't help, then who the hell can? A damned Vorlon who only talks nonsense?" He put the glass down and rested his head back, eyes closed. She was letting him talk, saying nothing, but simply soothing by her presence. "We don't know enough about them. Where they come from, why they attack, what they want. Nothing. How the hell do you fight an enemy you don't understand?" Delenn shivered suddenly, comparing his words with that other's. "You said that they were almost invincible. And then, today, that the Shadow ships are crewed by living beings, who can't escape. But they can become insane." It was a statement not a question. He was still trying to be the good soldier. "Why didn't you tell me *that* before, Delenn?" He was beginning to think this through, and his next words held a sudden horror. "Where do they get the crews? " It was like being kicked in the stomach. She moved her eyes away from his as the realisation hit. He let out a sound that was pure pain and got to his feet, stumbling blindly away from her. She came to stand behind him, not daring to touch now. "Anna. She could be one of them. And I may have to destroy her. It." He would not have believed that this could get worse, but it was. The fabric of the universe was slowly unravelling around him. "When you first told me about the Shadows, about Z'Ha'Dum. There was a chance that she might somehow be alive. And then, later, I really thought about what that would mean. That if Anna were alive, it would mean she was Shadow. Up until then, I don't think I'd really let go of the hope, even though I think I always knew it was hopeless. And then, at that point , I finally said goodbye. And I wanted her dead, Delenn, because it was the best option. I wanted her dead." He dropped his head. "And I still do. Because if she's alive I may have to kill her, either because she's like Morden, or because she's some trapped mad thing that could destroy us all. " Now, he was angry with her, turning to interrogate, the words coming faster. "What the hell else aren't you telling me? You didn't tell me about the Shadow ships, Delenn, what else are you leaving out?" She wouldn't answer him. A dreadful suspicion was building in his mind. She'd spoken, after Sebastian, of prophecy and fate. Of the doom and destiny that awaited all of them. Never of specifics, only of being Chosen. He had asked her a question, then, but she had never answered. He remembered his words to her, in the dark after Sebastian had left them there. She had smiled up at him, and reached out a hand to touch his face lightly, just as she had when seeking his permission to enter the Markab quarantine. Now, he put out both hands and grasped her shoulders, holding tight. His fingers were digging in, but she would not move away from him. "What else, Delenn? Why aren't you telling me the whole truth? " She was avoiding his eyes again. Delenn wouldn't look at him. For no reason that he could fathom, Sebastian's words came back to him, unbidden. "How far are you prepared to go ? How many people are you prepared to sacrifice for victory, Captain?" And again. "This is hell, Captain, and you are its chief damned soul." He understood, now, the truth of those words. This was truly hell. "You think you're going to die." His voice was without any emotion. She looked at him steadily, then laid her hands on his chest, palms flat, and turned her head down. "That's what that goddamn prophecy says, isn't it, Delenn, ISN'T IT?" There was an illogical fury building in him. He wanted to shake her into denying it. And then, finally, she answered, still unable to face him. "I have never lied to you and I never will. There have been times when I have not told you the whole truth, because I thought it best for you. It has been a habit built in me over too many years of secrecy. I was wrong and I am sorry. " She was going to tell him all of it, even though it deepened the pain. It was his right. "There is a part of the prophecy, which............" She stopped, took a deep breath and looked straight into his eyes. "There is a part which deals with a willing victim who gives their life to die in another's stead." "And you think that's you." She looked back at her hands. There was no comfort to offer him for this, no easy phrase about faith or hope. "It sometimes has seemed.........." She raised her head to meet him. "It has seemed arrogant to imagine that I could be the one the prophecy dealt with. But, there are too many coincidences. And similarities. The prophecy speaks of change, and of sacrifice. And, then. " She almost smiled. "Draal taught me that the most important principle was that of sacrifice. For a cause, a loved one or a friend. " She was answering the question he had asked long before. Why she had been willing to sacrifice herself, alone in the dark, with no banners, no armies. Just for him. He was all three for her. Sheridan felt it somehow unworthy to compare what he was feeling with that agony, but he was beginning to have an inkling of how Edward had felt. That, too, had been another test. First, Sebastian had tested both his and Delenn's motives, and the strength of whatever bond was building between them. Edward's ordeal by fire had been to face his own doom without flinching, knowing what must come, but accepting it willingly. And Sheridan had been forced not to take revenge for that death. Another bitter lesson. He wanted desperately to turn his own fate away and let the cup pass. "Great. I am probably going to have to destroy my past, and my future......." He stopped. "I was beginning to believe that you were a part of my future. I can't do this, Delenn, I know how it feels to lose someone I care for and I can't do it again." As he spoke he knew it was already too late. She was entwined so deep in his being that her death would tear him apart. "I failed the test." He was whispering now. "I'll give my life, Delenn, but I can't give yours. " She stirred and spoke at last, determined to shake him free from the shadow in his mind. He had never heard her so angry. "Then what would you wish? You can give all this up now, go back to being a simple starship commander and wait for the universe to end, let others sacrifice what you are unwilling to give. " He winced, hating the truth in her words, then released her and looked away, so that he did not have to see her eyes. "Then I am a coward, aren't I Delenn? Is that what you think? " "No. Never. You are not." She was becoming as hopelessly lost in this maze of confusion as he was. "But, I do not understand why you are so angry. And, I do not know what to say to you." She hated feeling so helpless. "John, do you wish me to go? " She was terrified he would say yes. Instead, he turned back to her and grabbed her hand, prepared to stop her from leaving if he had to. "No. I'm sorry. Stay, please." He took a deep breath, fighting to be rational. "I am angry because for years I knew exactly what my life was, and where it was going, and who I was. Now I don't anymore. And I am angry because I am afraid of losing you." Another gulp of air, and then he went on. " When Anna .......died........ I was so furious with her. I was supposed to be the one with the dangerous job, not her, not a fragging survey ship. So, I'm angry with you, because I can't face being without you. And now I'm mad at me for being selfish. " This was her death they were debating, and not his. He had no right to feel this way but there it was. Delenn moved her free hand to cover his, understanding him finally, but still not knowing what to say. "I always thought I could take anything, Delenn. Fighting wars is easy, when all you kill is a nameless, faceless enemy. But how do I destroy someone I once loved, even if all that is left is only a shell? How do I make the decisions I have to take, knowing they could result in your death? If there is one thing I've learned lately, it's that I can't do this without you." His face was wet with unnoticed tears. It was becoming increasingly difficult to get the words out. "I don't have your faith in the universe, and that there is something beyond the end of time. And how the hell do I wait that long? How do we go on, knowing?" He was remembering all that she had done for him to make this latest small victory possible. " If you aren't there, who will catch me when I fall?" His voice was shaking. "Who will make it rain for me?" Delenn was searching for a way to comfort him but without success. At last, she did the only thing she could think of, and moved her hands up to cup his face, fingers stroking gently. He buried his mouth in the palm of one small hand, eyes closed, struggling desperately for control. "John? " He was listening hard, hoping for a miracle. "You told me once of something your father said. That you should fight without fear, love without reservation. Do you still believe that? " He thought about that for a long while, then lifted his head slowly, and nodded. "I suppose I have to, don't I. Or, I give up now and betray all that he taught me to believe in, and everything I've learned from you. I guess I have to go on, even if it's alone. " She spoke with more vehemence than he had ever heard her use to him, trying to make him believe in what she said. "I will not leave you willingly, or easily. You are not alone, you are never alone. I will always be here, somehow. I promise. " He half fell against her, arms closing tightly around her. She returned the embrace, burying her face in his chest. There was no easy solution to this. Only the small consolation to be found in knowing that they were alive for the moment. They held for a long time while the world slowly turned to madness around them. ************************************************* "Oh, to shoot my soul's full meaning into future years That they may lend it utterance, And salute love that endures >From life that disappears." ************************************************** Ali "I will watch, and catch you if you should fall." Delenn, Messages from Earth