From: watkins julia k <julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>
Subject: What They Didn't See - 1/1
Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 22:17:43 -0500 (CDT)


"Moments of Transition" is being rerun on Tuesday, so this seems an
appropriate time to post this. When I first rewatched the episode, 
I wanted to know the contents of the tube Delenn gave Lennier, but
Delenn is not one of "my" characters. It is often a struggle for me 
to get into her mind, and there are many places she will not let me
enter. The eve of her sacrifice was one such place. 
   Her thoughts hidden, I could not write the gapfiller I intended.
She would only show me her words once removed, through John's eyes.
:(

Tissue warning. This is a short scene, an AU, excessively sad. These
are the words I believe Delenn left for John as her last testament, or
close to it. Thankfully, in the True Arc the file remained unopened.

Many thanks to Ellen and Morag who commented on an earlier version of
this and helped me smooth things out.

*******
Standard disclaimers.
*******

"What They Didn't See"
     by Julie Watkins.
     julifolo@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu

They didn't want to see this, but they didn't want him to be alone. 
He didn't want to be alone.
   Sheridan swallowed and forced out the order, "Play."

"I love you, John. Please forgive me. I must do this. I do not want 
to leave you. I do not want to hurt you. I can see no other way."

She had recorded the message on Minbar, shortly before leaving for 
the temple of Varenni, where she had died. Her surroundings were
indistinct, dark masses of crystal and stone. She had shone a light
upon her so he could see, and the face he saw was haggard, hurting,
her eyes filled with the horrors she had seen. Her voice was strong 
in the determination to end what should have never been.

"I have spoken to Neroon," she said. "He agrees to my proposal.
'Shakiri is a fool,' he says, 'You can endure the fire long enough,'
he says. 'You can prove yourself stronger,' he says. He says that he
is outside of his caste in this, that it is the Religious Caste that
is right, but his words are the words of a warrior. He speaks of
victory."

Her next words were minbari, difficult to hear. Sheridan paused the
message and looked up to Marcus to translate.
   The ranger struggled to comply. "Those were the opening words of a
prayer. I'm not sure which one. 'Out of darkness--' No. 'Despair'?" 
He struggled out a few half sentences of ritual words, hands pulling
nervously at his cloak. "She asks for strength," he concluded, his
voice no more than a whisper. "In her heart she was not yet reconciled
to what she knows she must do."
   "'Must.'" Ivanova repeated in an angry mutter. "This didn't have to
happen."
   Sheridan didn't hear her words. He was still in shock, barely able
to feel. He touched his hand to the screen. He wanted to wipe away his
love's tears, to hold her and give comfort. 
   Had he been there for her? What had he been doing when she said
these words? So many times these last five days, since the message she
was planetside, he had stopped, silent, lost in worry. Had his spirit
been drawn to hers? She was speaking to him as if he where there.
   He removed his hand, unlocked the embrace. "Resume."

Delenn drew in a breath, continuing her explanation.
   "I agreed I would step out of the circle after Shakiri proves his
cowardice." In the temple she would refuse Neroon's pleas, standing
firm until the end. "I would claim victory--" She shook her head in 
denial. "It would be only for a little while. Shakiri and his caste would 
hate me for tricking them, and their hate would fester and there would be
war again and more death." The words were so fast they tumbled one
over the other, her accent thick. "More innocents killed while we the
leaders stood by each blaming the other." Her voice softly quivered;
she was trying to find her center, trying to steady her words. "I
could not live, not even in your love, if that is the price of living.
   "John, John. Forgive me. I need you. When I left, I never 
thought--" A wave of sorrow crossed her face that quickly changed to
resolution. "I, too, was a fool, to think I had power enough to solve
this, selfish enough to be certain I would return. I could leave the
fire--prove Shakiri the coward--I could live."

Sheridan felt Ivanova digging her fingers into his shoulders, her
breath was loud, near sobbing.

"No one would know," Delenn's image continued. "What would I prove?
Only that I am more reckless, ready to dance closer to death before I
run away. I cannot prove I am willing to die without dying. To give my
people peace I can keep nothing for myself."
   There was a long pause. In the distance there was the sound of
distant explosions. It seemed another war battled behind her eyes: the
walls were locking around her and there was no way out. She wanted to
be with him longer, and could not. She did not want his last sight of
her to be of tears.

The image shifted. She had been gone for a time; the battle sounds
behind her had stilled.
   Her face was calm; she was ready to die. In that stillness,
Sheridan saw the same feeling of numbed exultation he had felt when 
he called down the fire at Z'ha'dum. But this time there would be no
Lorien waiting to return her life to her. The Gods had gone beyond.
   
"I have left instructions for Lennier." There were political notes,
her summaries and plans for the work they had been doing before the
crisis on Minbar had called her away. The contents of those data
crystals could not be transmitted, but would be brought directly. 
"Do not let him take the blame for this. He will obey. Then he will
curse himself for obeying. I did not know what to say to him. No
words. 'Understanding is not required--'" 
   Her head tilted and the thought ended. Having no solution, she
moved on. There was so little time left. Precious seconds, she fought
to hold them, all they had left of their time together. Sheridan, too,
wanted to hold time motionless. The message was nearing its end.

"John. Holder of my love, holder of my dreams. Soulmate." Her voice
fell into a melancholy cadence; fierce longing threatened to break her
control.
   "What we have achieved, what we have left to do-- I am sorry. I
must give it all to you alone to build, to guard, to see. I will wait
for you -- these memories, this love, this promise -- in the place
where no shadows fall. My spirit will stay near to you all the days 
of your life.
   "Farewell, my beloved."

The words stopped; it was done. The pain had not yet begun, but he
knew what was to come. Sheridan placed his hand to the stilled image
and likewise gave his pledge.

===end===